Head Rambles

Grandad October 27th, 2006

This is on the theme of road safety, but it is purely a rant. There are times when I have to let off steam and this is one of them.

What am I on about?

4 Wheel Drives, SUVs, call ‘em what you like. They are a menace and a waste of space and resources.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the vehicles per se. They are only machines. When they are sitting in the showroom they look very nice [well, most of them]. Please, please please just leave them in the showroom. It’s when they get out on the roads that the problem starts.

It’s the prats who drive them that get me going. Almost without exception, the drivers are all the same. They are impressed with themselves. They are total egotists. They are arrogant mindless morons who think that because they can splash out ridiculous sums of money that they have “made it” and that the rest of us will be impressed.

Do you drive one and are you offended? Good. I haven’t even started yet….

4WDs were invented to allow for the driving across rough terrain. You know - getting the feed up to the sheep on the side of a mountain type of thing. They are great for that.

But then they became the Status Symbol.

Now you are no one unless you can drive little Samantha down to the playschool in the latest, biggest, most expensive vehicle.

4WDs are a disaster on the roads. They hog space. They burn fuel like it is a limitless resource. They are dangerous because they are so heavy. They serve no function except to feed the ego of the driver.

It is said that the size of a car is inversely proportional to the size of the drivers private parts. This must make all male 4WD drivers complete eunuchs. [What is the female equivalent to this? Are they commenting on the size of their partner's equipment???]

Ireland has an incredibly high rate of 4WD ownership. I have driven in other countries, including the North, and they are a rarity there. Here, every second vehicle is a 4WD.

As I said yesterday, I was parked in our local village. When Herself goes shopping [yesterday, it was just for a cigarette lighter] I know I am in for a long wait, so I sit and watch the world go by.

In the space of half an hour [yes, Herself is a slow shopper] I saw some incredible things. 4WDs were the cause of 90% of traffic disruption. They parked on double yellow lines. They parked at bus stops. They double parked. They brought the village to a complete standstill at one stage [because, of course a 4WD will never reverse out of a situation that they themselves have caused]. And to cap it all, one reversed into me.

Aha, I hear you say. I am jealous of the big cars and I’m annoyed at being bumped?

Yes, I am annoyed at being bumped. But that was a trivial issue compared to the mayhem.

And no. I am not jealous. I had the opportunity to buy one recently. But I am happy with myself. I am confident enough in myself that I don’t have to bolster my ego. And I’m happy with the size of my manhood [can't speak for Herself, but she's never said anything derogatory]. I didn’t see the point in buying myself something that is going to cost a fortune in petrol, tax and insurance just to prove a point that doesn’t need proving. I got myself a Focus and I’m very happy with the choice.

I have two friends who drive 4WDs. They are excluded from the above. Why? Because they both drive 4WD trucks. One owns a shop and has to carry heavy produce around. The other is a landscape gardener and has to carry around gravel and the like [at 3 tons a go]. They are the people that 4WDs are designed for. They are ordinary nice people who have nothing to prove except that they have a business to run.

As for the rest of you - you are a waste of space.

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Grandad October 26th, 2006

I’m a bit late in posting today. For reasons, see my previous entry
Following on from my rant yesterday, I’ve been thinking a bit further on the subject.

Reading back, you’d think that I put all accidents down to inexperience. I don’t. There are many reasons for the carnage on our roads.

The first is the roads themselves and signposting. The roads have improved a lot over the last few years but still leave a lot to be desired.
Signposting is a laugh. Again, I mention my experiences in France. There you don’t really need maps. Everywhere is clearly signposted with advance warnings of all junctions. They warn you when speed limits are about to happen, so you don’t whack around a bend at 90 and suddenly find you are in a 50 limit. Here everything is confusing, and a confused driver is a dangerous driver.

There are also several classes of driver in this country.

The first is the Ego driver.
These are the ponces and gobshites who drive around usually in 4 wheel drives, but occasionally in company provided executive cars. They think because they have a few bob that they own the place. They think that being behind an “ordinary” car makes them somehow inferior. If they want to double park outside the newsagents, then that is their right. Speed restrictions don’t really apply to them, only to the common people [i.e. the rest of us]. They are a very dangerous crowd as their vehicles tend to be big and strong. Therefore they are unlikely to come out of an accident badly. I can’t say the same for their victims.
They tend to drive in the fast lane all the time because, of course they do own the road.

The next is the “it-doesn’t-apply-to-me” brigade.
We see them all the time. Mostly motor cyclists and pedal cyclists. They think that rules of the road apply only to cars.
Pedal cyclists are particularly bad and they are the most vulnerable. Traffic lights mean nothing, especially pedestrian lights. Lights are for wimps [both traffic lights and the kind that shows you exist in the dark]. One way streets? What are they? Cycle lanes? Fancy bits of paintwork on the roads, but they aren’t for real cyclists.
Motor cyclists are in it for the speed. A real motor cyclist has to travel at maximum throttle at all times. If there are cars ahead in several lanes, then just weave through them without slowing. It’s clever, and you make the motorists jealous. And the louder your bike, then the better.
They tend to drive in any old lane that suits them, and that will change from second to second.

Then there’s the Doddery Driver.
They used to drive Morris Minors in the good old days. That was good because you could spot them a mile off. Now they tend to drive any car of the small variety. This is confusing because there are a lot of good drivers driving small cars too.
The Doddery Driver does not know what other people are doing. They don’t know what they are doing. They pootle along in the hope that they will get there in the end. They are not sure what Stop signs mean, and are likely to stop suddenly in the middle of the road, because they have just seen Grace from the hairdressers.
They tend to drive in the fast lane all the time because they don’t know the difference. They will stay in the fast lane until the very last second before cutting across the other lanes to their exit.

The Boy Racer.
We all know them. They drive souped up VW Golfs and the like, with “go faster” stripes, wind spoilers, purple lights underneath [are they for catching insects?] and of course the mandatory loud thumping music. Tinted windows are preferred.
They think that because they have these cars, that that makes them brilliant fast drivers. Wrong. That makes them stupid drivers in stupid looking [and sounding] cars. They are probably the most likely to end up wrapped around a tree trunk. [And who says Darwin is wrong?].
They always drive in the fast lane because they think they are faster than everyone else. Wrong again. Everyone else is just driving at a sensible speed.

There are a few other categories [such as the dreaded Tractor Driver, the Trucker and the Taxi Driver] but I don’t want to bore you.

I’m not offering any solutions to the above. However, if you read the above and recognise yourself, then please do yourself a favour. Please think hard. Is your life that worthless?

Footnote to the above…..

I was a refugee for the day [thanks, E.S.B.!!] and did a fair bit of driving. I met ALL the above, and all were true to form.
I was parked at one stage and a bitch in a 4WD reversed into me. Bang. I went and knocked on her window.
“Oh, don’t tell me I hit your car?” says she.
“Yes you did hit my car you moronic bitch. Have you a clue how to drive? Are you so unaware of what you are doing that you can hit someone and not know it?”
Well, actually I didn’t say that. What I said was “Yes, you did hit my car, as if you didn’t know. Luckily there is no damage. Now can you move forward so I can get out?”.
She didn’t….

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Grandad October 25th, 2006

There is a new push on the Internet here to try to do something about the state of driving on Irish roads.

The cynic in me says it’s a waste of time.

Irish drivers must be among the worst in Europe. I don’t know why. The main causes of it seems to be that drivers think that a) they are more important than anyone else on the road or b) that they can impress people by they way they drive or c) they are totally unaware that there are other cars on the road.

I was in France recently. I was horrified. Not horrified by the bad driving in France, because there wasn’t any, but by the way it showed up just how bad Irish driving is. French drivers drive fast. But they rigidly stick to lanes. They keep to speed limits [but then the speed limits in France are very sensible. They only place a limit if there is an absolute need for it]. They indicate to overtake, and indicate to pull back in again. They keep out of the fast lane unless they are overtaking. In fact, their lane discipline is fantastic.

I drove a total of 2,250 kilometers when I was there. I never had one moment when I cursed another driver. Not one heart stopping moment. It was a real pleasure to drive. I felt safe.

In the relatively short trip from Rosslare to home, I had several near accidents. They ranged from people overtaking as they came towards me, forcing me onto the hard shoulder, to people suddenly braking [without indicating] to turn off the main road.

The Irish government has got it into its collective thick head that speed kills. They stick signs up everywhere telling us this. They introduce draconian and stupid speed limits. They penalise us for any infringement. Here is a bit of news for them - speed does not kill. Very few people have died from speeding. What kills is bad driving. What kills is inexperience. What kills is people driving beyond their own limits.

I have had a full licence for the last 35 years. I could drive safely beyond most speed limits as could the majority of Irish drivers. We know our limits. We slow down if the road is wet or if there is a bend. We don’t overtake if it isn’t safe to. We are patient because we know we will get there.

The answer to all of this is not new laws, penalty points, speed limits or speed ramps. The answer to this is training, and a stiff assessment system.

At the moment, a kid can go out on a sunny summer’s day, and drive around a town with an inspector. If they can do that properly, they are told they are proficient to drive. Hah! What about driving in rain? Or snow? Or on a motorway? Or fog? Or in the city at half five in the afternoon?

And what about that insane rule that says that you can have an unlimited number of provisional licences? If a person can’t pass the test on their second or third attempt then they are not fit to drive. End of story. Some people just aren’t cut out to drive, just as some people aren’t cut out to fly a plane.

So what I would suggest to the government is this.

First of all, introduce a proper driving test. Use simulators as well as practical driving. You wasted enough of our money on a crazy e-voting system that no one wanted, so don’t claim lack of cash.

Next, have a simple rule - if you caught breaking the law twice [everyone deserves a second chance] you lose your licence. Full stop. Not for six months or a year or two. It is gone.

However, you can apply for a new one, but you have to go through the whole testing process again.

Now you can remove all those speed ramps, and stupid speed limits. Keep the sensible ones all right, if you must. You have cut out the minority who shouldn’t be behind the wheel, so the rest of us can drive around without having a coronary every five minutes.

I think you’d be surprised how the accident rate drops, not to mention the hundreds of lives that would be saved.

A couple of links….
Michele Neylon’s Blog
Cllr Damien Blake
RoadsafetyBlog

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Grandad October 24th, 2006

The scene: An interview room in a large state company. There is a bored looking interviewer waiting for the candidate.

The candidate enters. He has a shaved head, and is wearing an Ireland football shirt, tattered jeans and scruffy runners. He has tattoos on both arms that nearly hide the needle marks. He farts loudly, sits down and starts to pick his nose. A distinct smell of alcohol and old socks begins to fill the room.

The interviewer sighs, but protocol says he has to complete the interview.

Interviewer: “This interview is for a top position in a prestigious State company that has a considerable influence on the fiscal situation pertaining at the moment. Could you elaborate on your suitability for this position?”

Candidate: “Wha?”

Interviewer: “Why did you apply for the job?”

Candidate: “Me Mate told me to”

The interviewer sighs again.

Interviewer: “What educational qualifications do you have?”

Candidate: “I have me Junior Cert. I done the Group Cert when I was in the Joy but didn’t get that”

Interviewer: “And why were you in Mountjoy Prison?”

Candidate: “I done three years for the joyridin’ and another eight for sellin’ H down Pearse Street Flats. Dey let me out early cause dey were overcrowded. But me Mate might have had sumpthin to do with that too”.

Interviewer: “And what employment experience do you have?”

Candidate: “Employment? Ah jayzus deres no need to work. I have de dole and the micky money from the ten kids, and I send de mot Jacinta out to do de cleaning. It pays for de chips and de Budweiser”.

Interviewer: “And passtimes?”

Candidate: “Ah, I back a few horses and hang around. I have a load af pints with me Mate over in Drumcondra”

Interviewer: “Who is this ‘Mate’ you keep on about?”

Candidate: “Me Mate Bertie. Great fella. Has The Big Job in de government. I loaned him a few quid a while ago, and he said he owed me one. He told me to go for this job”

Interviewer: “Welcome to the board sir. We are currently redecorating your executive suite so there is no need to start immediately. Is 300 grand a year enough or would you like more?”

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Grandad October 23rd, 2006

I bought a car last year.  It’s a second hand Focus that was two years old but in pristine condition.  I got a Focus because Herself wanted one.  It wouldn’t have been my first choice, but I’m glad I got it.

Earlier this year, I was pootling along the motorway when I checked my speed.  I like to try to keep within the speed limits.  To my amazement I was doing 0.  And my rev-counter said 0 too.  And I was apparently out of petrol [having filled up the previous day].  Something wrong here thinks I.  Then I realised all the instruments had failed [I can be slow on the uptake sometimes].

It is tricky driving when you don’t know what speed you are doing.  Too slow, and you run the risk of road rage from the trucker behind you.  Too fast, and it’s a few more points on the old licence.  I found the best answer was to tuck in behind the slowest driver I could find.  Then I could explain to the trucker that it was them that was holding us up.

I got it fixed a few days later.  It cost a fortune as the whole unit had to be replaced.  Funny how they can never “fix” things these days - they always “have to replace the unit”.  It cost me an arm and a leg despite my protests that it was only just out of warrenty.  However I was glad to get the car back and paid up.  They pointed out that I now had a metric speedometer, as if this was some kind of consolation.

Actually it was.  I can now legally overtake a lot of cars.  Because people are driving with speedometers showing in m.p.h. and they have to mentally convert from the old money to new, they tend to err on the side of caution.

The other side effect of the repair is that the garage forgot to reset my milage counter.  When I collected it, it was at zero.  As the Americans would say - Yeeehawww! [I don't know why that they say that, but in this case it seems appropriate].

Anyone like to buy a three year old car with a genuine 3000 on the clock?

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Grandad October 22nd, 2006

I don’t believe it. I really don’t believe it.

This country is in a mess. At least it is as far as the health service, education and welfare go. We have hospitals that remain closed because they can’t afford to run ‘em. We have people lying in trollies in emergency departments. We have people dying because their nearest hospital doesn’t have the facilities. We have an almost non-existant support for people with special needs. We have the elderly being abused in homes. We have schools falling down around the kids’ ears. And all because we don’t have the money to spend.

Then I pick up the paper today, and what do I see?

“Dublin to spend €1bn in North”

And a lot of that is going to healthcare and provision of facilities in a Derry hospital.

Now, I’m all for good relations with the North. I have the greatest respect for the people there. I like holidaying there. I would ultimately like to see a [peaceful] complete integration. I’m a supporter of the latest initiatives. But the fact remains; they are still technically a foreign country. They still are a monarchy, use Sterling and have their own laws. And we are paying for their health and the upgrading of their roads?

Or is the government just trying to look good, and they are hoping the cheque will be refused because it’s in Euro?

What is going on here? I must be misunderstanding something. Will someone please explain?

Is the whole world going mad or is it just me?

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