Archive for November 11th, 2006

Does my bum look big in this?

Grandad November 11th, 2006

Some time ago, Herself decided to order some - what shall we call them? - intimate undergarments. She chose a company in the UK and asked me to order them on-line for her.

I had no problem with this. I do most of the on-line buying anyway. Even the groceries.

So I duly filled out the order form, and was very careful to enter her name and our address.

The company was very efficient. The order arrived swiftly, and it was precisely what Herself wanted. It came in a nice package with a friendly letter inside. The package was even nicely decorated so that, while being discreet, it left no doubt as to the contents.

And here is where the problem started.

You see, I had used my own credit card which [of course] had my name on it. I had also used my own e-mail address. Now they obviously took the credit card name as being the customer. A reasonable assumption. So the parcel arrived addressed to me. I also received an email saying they hoped the garments fitted all right.

My mother always taught me to reply to letters, so I wrote back to the nice lady, thanking her for the order and her nice e-mail. I told her that I hadn’t actually tried the garments on yet as I was the wrong shape. I did tell her though that Herself was wearing them and was delighted. She apologised. She said they would change the name in their computer. She never did though.

Since then Herself has ordered a lot more “items” from the same place. They always come addressed to me. I get nice brochures from them too, in clear plastic envelopes. I also get e-mails from them with nice pictures of pretty ladies wearing nearly nothing.

I hope the police don’t raid my computer, or I’ll be down as a sex offender. And the postman gives me very strange looks. In fact he has taken to throwing our post through the letterbox and running away. And I can’t go into the Post Office at all.

It has its upside though. I’ve just received a lovely e-mail from them advertising “The Trinny and Susannah Magic Knickers” with before and after photographs. I’ve a choice of “The Tummy Flattner Thong”, “The Bum Lifter” or “The Bum, Tum and Thigh Reducer”. I can’t decide which would suit me best…..

Nearly underwear

kick it on kick.ie

Does my bum look big in this? [part 2]

Grandad November 11th, 2006

Herself has just read my last post [Does my bum look big in this?] God help me.

She is now standing behind me with a nasty looking carving knife and is insisting that I take dictation, as she wishes to say something here. I take no responsibility whatsoever. If there are spelling mistakes, it’s because the knife looks damn sharp and I’m nervous.

Don’t be fooled by Himself - The Blacky Lacey bit was for him.

I blame myself really. He has been acting strangely for the past few months. As it happened I had just read an article claiming that men over a certain age had symptoms of the menopause. I thought back to Coronation Street a while ago [for those of you who have a life and don't follow the serial, it was about the death of Fred the Butcher, who on his wedding morning and while visiting his bit on the side, went and had a heart attack and died]. Himself cried himself to sleep that night.

I took action. When I was making the porridge next morning I ground up my H.R.T. and stirred it in his bowl. I added brewers yeast for the nerves. A good spoonful of brown sugar and he was none the wiser. After a few weeks he was a new man! In fact we watched the new adaptation of Jane Eyre and he didn’t shed a tear when Jane’s only friend at the orphanage died of pneumonia!

Unfortunately he has developed a lovely little pair. Hence the lingerie.

I think it is for the greater good.

She is gone now, so I can deny it all. It is a pack of lies and I will swear on the Bible that I never cried at Coronation Street. I mean, would I? You all know me now. I may be old, but I’m still a man. But she is right about the boobs. I did wonder where they came from….