Head Rambles

Grandad November 28th, 2006

I have a couple of problems. You know that by now. But my psychiatrist is helping me with most of them.

There is one problem though that you, dear reader, might be able to help me with.

I am new to all this blogging business. It’s been seven weeks since I started [God! It seems like seven years!] and I still have a lot to learn. I am doing most of it by trial and error. Mostly error. The trial bit comes up in January, in the Four Courts. But that’s another story.

I found a site called Kick.ie. I understood that I can post a posting on that site, to let people vote for it. I have been doing that for a while and everyone is kicking me. That sounds sore, but after thirty five years of marriage, I’m used to it.

Now, I received a mail from someone who complained that I was posting every blog I wrote on Kick and that a) that was unfair and b) that I was hogging the Kick site. In fact, I don’t. Just most of ‘em. But that’s beside the point.

Actually, what he/she said was “Seriously dude, must you submit EVERY post you make to kick.ie? take it easy!”.

I will overlook the “dude” bit. If you knew me, so would you.

I checked the Kick site and there is no area that tells me the rules. It seems to be a sort of “come in and help yourself” type of policy.

In fact there is one blogger who seems to post all his writings/blogs, and then post some of his old ones again, just for good measure [good idea, that - I must try it].

I know that etiquette is very important on the Internet. This is strange because there is no such thing as etiquette in the Real World any more. Try opening a door for a feminist [or for anyone, for that matter] and you’ll see what I mean. Maybe all the etiquette has been sucked into the Internet?

So help me please… Am I overusing Kick? Am I abusing Kick? Should I be Kicked off or Kicked up?

I’ll add this post to Kick and see who complains.

You’ll see the “Kick” button below

• Internet
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Grandad November 27th, 2006

I don’t know if any of you are following this saga, but there has been an interesting development.

The company rang me [and I'm still not going to say who they are. Yet....].

The engineer was extremely nice to me. He was nearly in tears at the upset they have caused me.

I cannot, for the life of me fathom what brought about this change of heart.
Maybe they read my blog and feel sorry for me? I doubt it.
Maybe it was the letter I sent threatening legal action and massive media coverage? Could be.
Maybe it was my daughters boyfriend and his “friends” rolling up to their head office on the motorbikes, smashing all the windows and daubing “Save Grandad” all over the walls? Another possibility.
Divine intervention [see this morning's blog]? God knows.

Anyway…..

They are apparently calling out on Wednesday. They are going to send “their” engineers [as distinct from fellas who haven't a clue?] who, I am promised, will speak fluent English. They are going to sort me out if it kills them. Or maybe they are going to sort me out and kill me. One or the other. They are going to be in constant touch with the Head Office Engineer [Hey!! Maybe they are sending Jack Bauer????].

They are going to try everything to get me a decent signal to my existing mast. If they can’t do that, they’ll try a different mast.

The fella who rang me actually got quite excited. He thinks I’m going to be OK. Not only that but they are going to try to give me faster speeds than I had before.

So tune in on Wednesday, but I’ll be late blogging as they are coming first thing in the morning. It looks like they are going to make a day of it, so I am laying in plenty of beer and sandwiches. [For me, you fool. Not them.]

No. Scrap the last paragraph. Tune in tomorrow. I might have something interesting to say for a change.

• Internet
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Grandad November 27th, 2006

I had a dream last night. I think it was a dream. Maybe it really happened.

I died and went up to the Pearly Gates.

“Howya Grandad” said Peter.

“Howya Pete” says I.

“Now what makes you think you are entitled to come in here?”

“I don’t know. I’m a nice bloke and can be the life and soul [if you'll pardon the expression] of a party?”

“We need more than that” says he. “Have you done any good works?”

“Like what?”

“Have you donated your entire income to the Third World?”

“No”

“Have you laid down your life to save another?”

“No”

“Have you contributed anything to life to make the world a better place?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Aw come on” says he, “you must have done something good?”

“Listen” says I, “I am, or rather was, just an ordinary bloke. I lived my life. I kept my head down. I’m a nonentity in the grand scheme of things. I’m just an ordinary Joe Soap.”

Just then he cocked his head to one side, and I realised he had one of those earpiece thingies.

“Himself wants to know if you are the bloke behind HeadRambles?” says Pete.

“Yeah. Sorry about that. I suppose that means the Big Trip Downstairs for me?”

“No” says Pete. “Himself is a great fan. He reads it every day. He says your campaign against the Devil is remarkable. He says you’re in!”

“Great” says I, “but I never wrote about the Devil.”

“You were always on about him. Himself upstairs loved it. He nearly granted you another hundred years of life so He could go on reading it.”

“But I never wrote about the Devil” I repeated.

“Yes you did” says Pete, “but you always referred to him as ‘George W’”

• America , Rambles
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Grandad November 26th, 2006

Well, it has been a busy Saturday and a lot has been happening.

My two friends Ron and Dick have more or less moved in to help me. Herself is making the cheese on toast to keep us fed.

Ron and Dick did some forum posting about my plight and there has been a very kind response. I didn’t know so many people cared and I am touched and flattered. Thank you all.

Ron’s good friend Michele sent us some figures that proved that I have not been lying all along. Apparently Michele has been keeping records of how fast I connect to the Internet. Why she should do this just for me, I don’t know. Ron will explain no doubt. Thank you Michele anyway. You sound like a nice girl.

So we wrote a rather gruff letter to the company and enclosed the figures. We explained that they couldn’t possibly be telling the truth and that they should get things fixed straight away. Or else…….

We didn’t get a reply.

Dick apparently knows of another case like mine. They complained of a bad connection and our foreign friend came out to them and apparently they [our foreign friends] used exactly the same technique as they tried on me. The gentleman who lived there was at work at the time, and his wife believed them. She told them to take the equipment away, if it was no good. I believe he wasn’t too happy when he came home that evening and found he had no broadband.

Now, this morning an interesting thing happened.

Ron and Dick are still here. We made a night of it. Herself is getting a bit cheesed off with the cheese on toast making, and is begining to complain about all the empty beer cans.

Anyway, Ron and Dick were running some tests.

They ran one at around half eleven. There were sharp intakes of breath.

Dick told me I was getting 1meg down but nothing at all up. I was tempted to say that I am used to getting nothing up, but we’ll keep the talk technical here. Anyway, he said this was very bad. He said it looked like it was all over.

But then he ran another test and nearly passed out.

We revived him, and he told us that the signal was excellent. Well, not perfect but more than adeqate. He said it was 1.5 meg down and 1.2 meg up whatever that means.

So Ron and Dick are jumping for joy. I said it mightn’t last. They said it didn’t matter, because it proved that I could get a decent signal even after all the messing around that the company did, and that all their excuses had fallen flat.

So maybe they have fixed the fault at last?

Or maybe they undid whatever it was they did in the first place?

Or maybe they are beaming a special signal just to me?

Or maybe the CIA intevened because they didn’t want to lose track of me?

Or maybe they did read yesterdays mail?

We’ll have to wait ’till tomorrow when I can phone the company and find out what is going on……

Footnote to the above:

I have just received an invoice for next month’s service. Oh! Sweet irony!!

• Around the house , Internet , Rants
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Grandad November 25th, 2006

I’ve been having a little bit of trouble with my Internet connection. It has been grand for a long time, but it started to get a bit hairy this week. I asked my friend Ron about it and he suggested I phone the company.

So I rang them. I went through all the usual automatic switchboard rubbish and the piped music but finally got to speak to someone.

I told him my problem.

He did some tweaky things at his end and came up with the diagnosis [it's wonderful what they can do with computers these days].

“Your aerial is faulty, and we’ll have to come out and fix it” says he.

Fair enough.

Yesterday they called out.

It was lashing rain and I felt a bit sorry for them, but they set to work anyway.

They found the problem straight away.

“Trees have grown into the line of the signal.”

So I got out my binoculars and showed them the mast in the distance. It was a bit misty but we could see it. There were no trees in the way!

They cursed [in Polish, I think].

They beavered away, running up and down ladders and in and out of the house and muttering about technical thingys. They got more and more annoyed looking. They didn’t seem to be doing much apart from making a mess of my floor. They rang their office a few times. They tried different aerials. They tried moving the aerial around a bit. They rang their office a few more times.

They eventually came up to me with big smiles on their faces and gave me the good news….

“We are sorry but the signal is not available in your area. We are going to remove all the equipment.”

I turned purple. Herself grabbed the phone in case the doctor might be necessary. The dog had a fit and bit the leg off the table.

“But I have had good service for a long time and it has only just failed, and you are not removing my equipment.”

“Yes” says he, “But the signal is not available”. Here was one of these “I’ve found my story and I’m sticking to it” chaps.

I demanded to speak to an engineer on the phone.

When I spoke to him, the engineer said the same thing.

“We are sorry but the signal is not available in your area.”

I was dangerously near a heart attack at this stage.

I restrained myself and patiently explained that I had great service up to this week and it had only just failed.

He tried to persuade me that it had been failing since September.

“Tuesday” says I.

So he sighed and asked to speak to one of the lads again.

They muttered in a huddle and said they would try again.

They faffed around a bit and did all the things they had done before. Then I realised that they were on the phone to the engineer again. I grabbed the phone.

“What the flip [or words to that effect] is going on?” says I.

He gave me a lot of bullsh*t and said that the lads were going to restore the system and leave.

“It’s fixed” says the lads.

I tested the signal on my PC. It was exactly the same as before they arrived.

“It’s not ****** fixed. It’s the ******* same ******** service as I had before you ********* came” says I.

They left anyway.

I phoned the office and raised merry hell. When I get going, I am a sight to behold. I am used as an example in most anger management schools [what not to say...].

I finally got it out of a manager…………..

They had “upgraded the system to enhance the service for existing and future customers, and this had degraded my signal so that it was no longer viable”.

“That doesn’t make sense. I am an existing customer and my service hasn’t been enhanced!”

“Sorry about that” says he, “but some of our remoter customers will lose service”.

Says I “But the upgrade took place last Thursday, and my service was grand ’till Tuesday.”

“No” says he, “you had very bad service since Thursday”. There was really no getting through to this bloke.

At this stage, the steam coming out my ears could have driven Poolbeg Power Station. Herself was trying to insert a Prozac drip-feed into my arm.

“Let me get this straight” says I. “I have a contract with you people. I have been getting a great service up ’till Tuesday with no complaints whatsoever. Now you ‘upgraded’ the service on the 16th to improve it. Since then I have been continuing the good service for an additional five days after your tweaking, but you say that a signal is no longer available in my area?”

“That’s right” says he. “You never had a good signal. And as a result of the upgrade it is degraded below the level of viability.”

“Would you like to talk about this on the radio?” says I, playing one of my trump cards.

There was a long silence. “Leave it with me” says he. “I’ll see what I can do”.

To be continued…………….

• Around the house , Internet , Rants
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