Head Rambles

Grandad November 22nd, 2006

Breaking news!

I have always had my suspicions about George W. I’ve said it before - the funny walk, the vacant stare, the apparent lack of awareness of his surroundings….

So I decided to do some investigation.

What I uncovered is even worse than I feared.

I have a theory that there is a massive conspiracy to cover up the truth. This conspiracy involves my old friends in the CIA, makeup artists, Hollywood, computer graphics people and God knows who else.

For years now, they have been using holograms and makeup to show us the George W that they want us to see.

I asked a friend of mine in Washington to hang around the White House. I explained my theory, and told him what to look out for. He said I was mad. He said I was deranged.

He hung around the White House anyway just to humour me.

He arrived back yesterday. He was a changed man. He was gibbering and drooling and crying a lot. He managed to give me the photo he’d taken before the nice doctors took him to a resting home with kind nurses and gentle doctors and very high walls.

When I saw the photo, even I was a bit surprised at what I saw. It was worse than I thought.

He had managed to photograph George W out for a ramble in the garden, but without his makeup on.

• America , Politics
• Comments(4)

Grandad November 21st, 2006

This is not a rant. This is not a ramble. This is just a little piece about my grandson, Sean.

Sean is five and a half now. He is a beautiful child. He is very happy and he brightens up our lives. He has made us all into better people. We have learned what love really is. Sean has Cerebral Palsy.

His mammy wrote a letter on his behalf, because he can only speak with his eyes, and he can’t hold a pen. That letter has been published on the Jack and Jill website. You should read it, because it shows real love and understanding. It also explains why I have a link to Jack and Jill on this blog.

Last night I ordered some toys for him on the Internet. I ordered them off a site called Thinking Toys. This is no ordinary toy shop because they also cater for children with very special needs.

There was a slight glitch in the order process, so I phoned Aine who runs the business. She couldn’t have been nicer or more helpful. I sent her a fax showing what I had ordered and she rang me back within minutes to say she was dealing with it straight away.

It isn’t often you get service like that.

So, in spite of all my moaning, I do think there are good people out there.

And it’s only fair that I write about them sometimes.

• Around the house , Internet , The Family
• Comments(2)

Grandad November 21st, 2006

I meant to mention it before, but I forgot, which is surprising because it’s big news. But then the memory isn’t what it was.

Bertie rang me last week. He must have got my number from the CIA.

Frankly [and I have to be honest here], I find it very difficult to understand Bertie at the best of times. Even when he talks slowly.

But he was obviously very excited to be ringing me because he was shouting a lot. And I mean really shouting. Maybe the line was bad at his end, but I could hardly understand a word he was saying. And I didn’t like to be rude and ask him to repeat himself. So I only caught the odd word. But it was enough.

The conversation was rather one sided. In fact he never gave me a chance to say anything. What he did say was [and I've left out the words I couldn't understand]:

“I’ve been reedin your…..about de cycleway…..draw de line….callin around…takin out a contract..your name on it…don’t write…more..”

There were a lot of expletives in there too, but I put that down to his excitement.

I gather he wants me to design the new cycleway between Sandycove and Sutton for him and will be calling around soon to sign the contract! Wow!

So I have been working out some ideas. Now, I think I can save the government a lot of money here. Or maybe I’ll just charge them the full €40,000,000. They like paying out huge sums of money.

For a start, most of the cycleway is there already. The stretch from Merrion Gates to the Liffey is grand. So is the stretch from Fairview to Sutton. So that only leaves two gaps - the one between Sandycove and Merrion Gates, and getting across the Liffey.

The Liffey bit is tricky. I thought of a bridge, but then the ships couldn’t get in or out. I thought of a tunnel, but they probably wouldn’t build that high enough for a cyclist [they aren't very good at measuring tunnel heights]. So I came up with a brainwave. Let’s build a ford. After all, Baile Atha Cliath is the Town of the Ford of the Hurdles. So this will be very traditional, and we might even get grants from the Heritage Council, and An Taisce.

So I’m going to build the cycleway across the bed of the river. The cyclists will have to hold their breath for a bit but I’m sure they’ll manage.

So that just leaves the stretch between Sandycove and Merrion Gates. I’m OK between Sandycove and Dun Laoire, but then the problem starts. The cycleway has to follow the coast, and the only way of doing that is to follow the railway, as the roads are all inland. I don’t think they’d like it if I took over the railway, so I had another brainwave. Let’s share!!

What I propose is to build a cycleway between the rails. Simple. It will be an incentive too, to the cyclists not to linger, so it will be good for their health.

As for the payment.. I suggest, Bertie that you contact Major Kowalski in the CIA. He is looking after my case. He’ll give you my address. The usual brown envelope will do, but mark it “Private - not to be opened by tribunals”.

• On the road , Politics
• Comments(0)

Grandad November 20th, 2006

I was talking to my friend Sam the other day. I have mentioned him before. He is the bloke who set this site up for me.

He is the one who was so annoyed at the Golden Spider Awards.

He asked me how the site was going, and I told him that it was going very well. I said that it had about 5000 visits a day and that 6 of them were from outside the CIA. He was impressed. He suggested I advertise on the site. I said go ahead, so he set it up for me.

Now some of you may have noticed the ads. Personally I don’t find them very attractive, but Sam said to give them a go anyway.

However, I am finding them somewhat amusing. Apparently, according to Sam, Google analyses my page to see what I’m writing about, and then puts in appropriate ads.

So I wrote about my sperm giving up cigarettes, and immediately the ads were all about giving up smoking. I wrote about “Baby on Board” stickers and the low IQ of the people who have them. The site was inundated with ads for improving your IQ.

For some reason, they suddenly started advertising about surveys yesterday. Now, I had just written one of my little rants about my old friend George W [I have to do that every now and again, because he annoys me so much], so what were Google thinking? Are they hinting that it’s time for an election in America? Are Google more intelligent than I thought?

God knows how it works. [oh dear, - now I'm going to get lots of religious ads].

So maybe in the future I’ll start writing about really obscure things, just to see what ads come up.

Mind you, they’ve missed out on a golden opportunity. If they knew that 4994 of my readers were in Langley, they could be advertising vans with blacked out windows, and dark sunglasses, and cufflinks you can talk to. They’d make a killing there. [Google, that is. The CIA can do their own killing.]

I notice I’ve just used the word “golden” twice [whoops, now it's three times] so I’ll expect a few ads about the gold market.

I’m not going to retire on the strength of my earnings. Mainly because I’m retired anyway. But I am begining to spend my profits. I was able to give our Sandy an extra dog biscuit last night.

• Internet
• Comments(0)

Grandad November 19th, 2006

Some of you may have noticed by now that I am not too fond of George W Bush.

I honestly didn’t know why. It was just hate at first site. I think it was those blank eyes - you know what I mean - “The lights are on but there’s nobody in” syndrome. And that stupid swagger of his. I could see from the start he was a dimwit.

But I left it there. It was none of my business. If the Americans want him, then they can have him.

But then there was the World Trade Center attack. Now don’t get me wrong. That was a terrible thing. But these things happen. There are thousands dying every day in different places around the World. Especially Africa. But nobody notices these, because the cameras aren’t on them.

But Bush saw this as a means forward. Here was his chance to further his career. Here was his chance to make a few bob for his cronies. Here was his chance to outshine his daddy. So he “declared war on terrorism”.

The World wasn’t too impressed. In fact they told him not to. They told him there was no reason. They told him there were no “weapons of mass destruction”. They told him that Iraq had nothing to do with the World Trade Centre. They told him that not only could he not win, but that he would make things worse. A lot worse.

But he went ahead anyway, because this was too good an opportunity to miss. He managed to talk Tony Blair into siding with him. Poor Tony was like a star-struck teenager. He though Bush was God Almighty. I was surprised, because Blair seemed to be quite intelligent. Just goes to show how appearences can be deceptive.

So they started their war.

It has been raging for years now. To date, it is estimated that over 50,000 innocent people have been killed in Iraq alone. Billions have been spent. The cost of the war alone could have wiped out all Third World debt and they’d still have change. Iraq is in ruins. And, as predicted terrorism is worse than ever before.

But Bush cannot admit he was wrong. He has created a mess of monumental proportions and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He just keeps saying that he can’t stop ’till the war is won. Get it into your head, you gobshite - the war will never be won.

At least Tony Blair has seen the error of his ways. He has admitted that the war is a disaster. There is hope for him yet.

So now Bush is on his own. The American people in a remarkable show of intelligence have turned against him. He has lost his only real international ally. He has turned World opinion against America. He has nowhere to go.

They say a trapped animal is a dangerous thing. But a trapped dimwit is even more fearsome, because he is bound to do something even more stupid and unpredictable.

On a lighter note… Why do they call the World Trade Center attack “9 11″? It happened on the 11th of September. So if they have to give it a number, then call it “11 9″. Do the Americans not realise they are shouting about the wrong date? They are commemorating the 9th of November!!

The only thing that I can remember happening on the 9th of November 2001 was that I forgot to reorder for my central heating and the oil ran out.

Now maybe there is a profound connection there after all?.

• America , Rants
• Comments(2)

Grandad November 18th, 2006

Herself wanted to go to the village yesterday for a pack of fags.

We drove down and I parked in front of the coffee shop. I knew that buying a pack of fags was going to take at least an hour, if not longer. Herself is like that.

So I got my mug and settled down outside. It was bloody cold, but one must make sacrifices if one wants a puff on the pipe these days. At least the tables weren’t crowded.

It was very pleasant [apart from the cold]. I even met some friends who I hadn’t seen in years.

Of course I was asked for directions.

The first was a motorcyclist. I don’t like motorcyclists since they started wearing those black balls on their heads, so I sent him up to the bogs at the top of the mountains.

The second was an old man who was even older than me. He was on foot, so I couldn’t send him up to the bogs. I told him where the place was that he was looking for, but of course sent him by the long route.

Our Sandy [the dog] was in the car which was beside me. If I leave her in the car, she moves to the driver’s seat. You can see she feels important. She sits there as if waiting for a passenger to return, looking very solemn.

Some tourists came by. You know the type – all cameras and huge backsides. What they were doing here in November is anyone’s guess.

“Aw gee Honey. Look at the cute little doggie who thinks he’s driving the auto�.

Honey stepped into the road in front of the car to photograph Sandy.

I couldn’t resist it. I stepped over and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Word of advice, pal� says I. “If she starts the engine, get back on the footpath quick. She’s well known around here as a reckless driver�.

The tourists didn’t know what to say or think. They ran.

Sandy grinned. She loves a good laugh.

• Around the village
• Comments(0)