Archive for December 5th, 2006

How to talk proper in EZ lessons

Grandad December 5th, 2006

I received this comment from Valerie today in reply to this morning’s post -

I guess you’re going to have to accept the bad spelling and worse grammar. Did you read “Da Meanin of Life” and “Death by txt” in yesterday’s Irish Times? That’s the way its going to go and if you - and I - are going ahead as bloggers then - what’s bad spelling to do with anything?

This is too big a subject and requires a rant of its own.

Yes. I did read “Da Meanin of Life” and “Death by txt”, and I found them funny and clever. What I loved was the way they sent up the whole texting business.

I can understand where this text-speak came from. Spelling is a tricky thing. Why do we spell “ate” and “eight” differently? They sound the same. But if you can replace them with “8″, it does save a bit of poking on those fiddly little keyboards. So, for mobile phones, text-speak was accepable. Was.

Now we have predictive text. I use it all the time. It actually uses less key-presses. And it makes sure the spelling is correct. But people are starting to use txt spk in 4rums nd lttrs [and spam!]. There is no excuse for [4] that.

I am not going to get used to bad spelling. It annoys me. It’s a sign of laziness and bad education. I’m going to carry on ranting about it. The same goes for grammar.

I admit to using some modern idioms. But there some I refuse to use.

I watch films, not movies.

If I wanted a watery lager that tasted like gnat’s p*ss I’d order a Budweiser, not a Bud [why does everything have to be abbreviated these days - are they even getting too damn lazy to speak?]

I use the words “so”, “like”, “cool”, “chill” and so on in their proper context.

The list is endless.

I’m old fashioned. That’s just me.

So my answer, Valerie is that probably the future will be full of illiterates who are too lazy to write properly or speak properly. After all, the country is being run by one of them!

But there are a few of us left. So man the ramparts. Don’t let children watch American television. Glue their mobiles phones so they have to use predictive text. And of course get rid of Bertie.

And here is my message to future generations which will forever be archived in the bowels of the Internet:

I feel sorry 4 U that U never done a proper educashun nd never lerned to talk proper. U R missing out on something gr8. It was a langwadge that was handed down by R 4fathers and you have killed it. Mind you, them darn Yanks had a heck of a lot to answer 4 2.

Only spammers need apply

Grandad December 5th, 2006

I am going to open a university.

It is going to offer the usual range of qualifications, from Certificates up to, and including Masters Degrees.

But before you go rushing off to apply, there is one thing you should know - it is a very exclusive university. To qualify for entry, you must be a spammer.

I receive a lot of spam. Don’t we all? And the one thing that seems to be lacking in all spammers is a basic education. They can’t spell. They haven’t even the basic rudiments of grammar. They don’t seem to realise that it undermines their message.

For example, I defy you to invest in a company that advertises

We’re glad to present a new suggestion you won’t deny. Here is a great chance to makemoney without running the risk of losing them. Without doubt, it is a firm bargain.

Can you imagine holding erudite and profound conversations with a life-long partner who introduces herself [or himself?] with the following -

Hi there lovely,
I was searching the net few days ago. I am new to this thinga. and saw your profile. I decided to email you cause I found you attractive.
I might come down to your city in few weeks. Let me know if we can meet each other in person.
I am attractive girl. I am sure you won’t regret it.

Would you buy Viagra or Cialis from “VjAGRA_nw_$1,78, CjALiS_uz_$3,00″ when they can’t even spell it?

The one that finally gave me the idea was a gem I received the other day -

Hello Rgjournal!!.
Absloutely are no cotnracted tests, classes, books, or interviews !
Attain a_Bachelor,s Masters., MBA, and Doctorate (PhD) diploma.
Get the rewards nad support_that comes with a.diploma !
Nobody is reejcted
anonymityq uestionless

Even the universities need educating!

So my friend Sam is going to set up my mail system, so that every spam will receive a reply….

Deer Spammer
We thank your for message I red, adn we hav offer you can refuse not.
I can help you impres your reeders by edyoucating you in how to spelling and make words put together.
You wil get gooder sales. You wil sell things better.
Aply now to the Headrambles University!
You wil regret it not.
Replie to this male with your [no doubt,stolen] credit card detales.
Yoors sinseerly
Grandad

kick it on kick.ie