Head Rambles

Grandad December 22nd, 2006

I would like to propose a monument to the late Charles J Haughey.

This monument should consist of something that is quintessentially Irish.

What better than a round tower? That symbol of steadfast resistance in the face of opposition?

I would propose that the ideal location would be Inis Tuaisceart, the northernmost of the Blasket group.

We all know how dear the islands were to Charles Haughey, and I think he would appreciate the symbolism.

The tower itself would be a proud monument to all that he did to the Irish Nation.

Seen from the Dingle Peninsula, the monument would forever remind us of Charles Haughey and all he stood for.

In addition, this island is locally know an “An Fear Marbh”. I would suggest that it be renamed “An Fear Sásta”

I would like to thank Donncha O Caoimh for the inspiration for this great idea, which came from his site Holy Shmoly and in paticular his post which links to the inspirational photograph.

• Politics , Rambles
• Comments(3)

Grandad December 21st, 2006

The immortal words of Bertie Ahern -

“If I ever for a moment had thought that by signing a cheque, which was a practice that everybody did in the country, let’s be very frank and honest about it and not be prudish about it, I would have never signed them,”

This is a statement by the leader of our government!

This is a man who handed blank cheques to Haughey – a man so low he would steal off anybody, including his “best friend”.

For a start, let’s remove the extraneous gabble. The sentence boils down to -

“If I ever for a moment had thought that by signing a cheque, I would have never signed them,”

Now, what in the name of all that is holy does THAT mean? This is classic Bertie speak.

And what about the other bits?

Everybody in the country wrote blank cheques? Everybody?

What kind of mindless statement is that? Can someone really be so naiive? Either he was totally brainless, or he knew exactly what was going on.

He then tries to wriggle out of it by saying that we are being “prudish” for enquiring about it.

Fianna Fail under Haughey was just about as corrupt as a government can get. Haughey was a man who would organise a collection for his “best friend” who was dying of cancer, and then keep the proceeds for himself. This is about as corrupt as anyone can get. Haughey, Burke and the others were ripping off the country wholesale, to the tune of millions. And Bertie was in the thick of it. He can claim he knew nothing about it.

Bertie could stand in the middle of New Orleans at the height of Hurricane Caitriona and claim he was not aware that it was raining?

The worst of them are gone now; dead or in jail. But Bertie is a legacy of those days. He is badly tainted.

Bertie worked in the pigsty for a long time, and he still reeks of pigsh*t.

• Politics , Rants
• Comments(0)

Grandad December 21st, 2006

Ireland’s oldest lap dancing club

I am writing this in the bowels of Newgrange waiting for the sun to rise.

For this is the Winter Solstice. It is half eight in the morning and I am freezing.

I like the Winter Solstice because it means the days are getting longer again. It is one of my favourite days of the year.

Of course the Druids had the same thought and this was one of their big days. Until the Christians came along and hi-jacked it. They were jealous that the Druids were having such a good time that they moved Christmas from September to December, just to spoil the fun.

Newgrange was built around 5,200 years ago. That’s impressive. I wonder how many of our present buildings will still be standing in the year 7,206? Not many. Most of them don’t last more than 50 years before some developer decides to buldoze them and build appartments instead.

It was originally thought that Newgrange was built as a burial mound. This is, in fact incorrect.

It has recently been discovered that Newgrange holds the distinction of being the world’s oldest lap-dancing club. The central chamber once had a central wooden pole for the dancers, and the side chambers were reserved for guests to hold orgies in. It was quite popular.

Unfortunately, the megalithic planners sited Newgrange some distance from the motorways and railways, so access was difficult. Hence the small size of the chamber. Two other lap-dancing clubs were built at Knowth and Dowth but were never a commercial success.

The symbols of spirals which have become synonymous with Newgrange of course represent the gyrations of the dancers around the pole. Either that, or the artists were too pissed to draw straight lines.

The significance of the mid winter sun shining down the passage is not fully understood, but theory has it that the Midwinter Solstice was the night of the greatest orgy of them all. The designers wisely decided to build in a natural alarm clock to wake the drunken satiated clients so they could get back to Dublin in time for work. In those days you could get from Newgrange to Dublin in an hour, because of course there wasn’t as much traffic.

It was Saint Patrick who finally closed Newgrange. He is said to have driven the snakes out of Ireland. This is in fact a mis-translation of the old Celtic word “senaché” meaning pole-dancer.

Time to get up

Well. The sun has risen now. Quite spectacular. Time to wander down to the nearest pub and see if I can thaw out the bits of me that have frozen.

• Rambles
• Comments(1)

Grandad December 20th, 2006

TO LET

Very spacious penthouse apartment

• America , Property
• Comments(6)

Grandad December 19th, 2006

I got a phone call last night.

I knew it was the Archbishop, because I use personalised ringtones, and the phone merrily warbled “When the saints come marching in”.

“Hiya Bish” says I.

“Bless you, Grandad” Says he.

“I didn’t sneeze”

“Ah, don’t start that. This is serious.”

“I suppose it’s about that dumb interview you did in the Irish Times?”

“Yeah. It doesn’t seem to have gone down too well. I was wondering if you had any insights into it. I read your blog yesterday, and you seem to have a good grasp of religion in the computer age”

“Thanks. But you stepped over the mark a few times. I mean to say, what was all that about coarseness and aggression?”

“You must admit, Grandad that people are getting more aggressive and using coarser language?”

“Aw f*ck, Bish. You’re not of that bandwagon again? Jayzus! But what was all that about agression on the roads and drinking?”

“Well… I’d had a couple of pints on me and some bitch cut me up on the motorway, so I had to thump her. It made me realise there was a connection. I didn’t used to be like that”

“That’s old age, Bish. You’re getting less tolerant. That’s all. And you shouldn’t have talked about abuse, child protection and the increase in sexualisation of children at an earlier age”

“Sh*t, yes. That was a bit of an own goal I suppose, but I though we managed to brush that under the carpet?”

“Naah. People here have long memories. And they remember the days when we all had to doff our caps to the priests, and the church’s word was law. Those days are gone Bish. You should know that. You’ve lost the respect”

“Is that why people don’t go to Mass any more, and why we don’t have vocations?”

“That’s what the interview is all about, Bish. You are just a bit p*ss*d because the church collections are down, and you’re trying to browbeat people into going back to church. Admit it.”

“True. But I have a high standard of living to maintain.”

“And what was all that about Podge and Rodge? You’re stepping on a few toes there too.”

“I heard they were always going on about ‘bashing the bishop’”

“They are talking about something completely different. It’s not personal. Have you ever watched Podge and Rodge?”

“No. I must confess I haven’t”

“Tell you what. Call around on Friday evening and we’ll watch the omnibus edition. You’ll enjoy it.”

“Great. I’ll bring a few cans.”

“Oh by the way Bish?”

“Yes?”

“If you are passing RTE on the way, could you stop off and heave a couple of bricks at that c*nt, Pat ‘The Plank’ Kenny?”

“F*ckin right! It’ll be a pleasure!”

• Around the village
• Comments(0)