Letter to America
Grandad January 13th, 2007
Since I started this site I have made some American friends.
Bill Ruhsam even went so far as to find me my own search engine.
This is a bit embarrassing as I have stated that I hate all things American. So I had better clarify this.
No. I don’t hate all things American. I hate some American things, and I like some American things.
You seem to have some very beautiful scenery. I have never been there, but I would like to see some places like the Grand Canyon or some of your National Parks.
You invented some very handy things like Teflon and the Zip [or do you call it a zipper?]
You have some authors that I like, such as Stephen King, John Grisham and Ogden Nash.
You have made some very good films [sorry, movies].
Google is quite handy.
You took David Beckham and his whinging anorexic wife off our hands. Maybe we’ll hear less about them now.
The things I hate about America are all just that - things. Not people [with one notable exception].
First and foremost, it has to be George W. The worlds most dangerous terrorist. I beg of you to get rid of him by any means. He is not only destabilising the world, but has turned the world against you.
McDonalds. They are slowly turning the world into a mass of overweight fast food junkies. If you like them, then fine. But please take them away from every damn street corner over here. And I am tired of seeing people with backsides bigger than the rest of them swaying along in front of me. Not a pretty sight.
Cola drinks. They rot the teeth, and are also too full of sugar. They have somehow convinced the children here that it’s the only thing to drink. Coca Cola also hijacked Santa, for which I will never forgive them.
Children’s television. Our children are being taught to say ghastly things like “sooo not whatever” or “you guys” or things like that. Kid’s slang is bad enough without teaching them nonsensical things.
Spelling. You can spell things however you like. That’s your business. But please tell that Gates bloke that his spell checkers are annoying. For example, words that end in ‘ise’ don’t end in ‘ize’. And it makes Googling tricky, because I have to remember that you spell words like ‘colour’ and ‘theatre’ differently.
The last one is a sort of mindset thing. America is not the leader of the free world. we are just as free over here, but we don’t carry guns, or execute people. So we are probably more free. And please lose that idea that if it’s not American, then it’s no good.
As individuals, you are welcome here. Just remember that we do things a little differently. We drive on the left [it makes it easier to get off buses because the door is on the left]. We speak proper English, so we may find you a little hard to understand sometimes.
And when you order a pint of Guinness, please wait a minute or two until it settles. It’s such a shame to come all this way and then drink an unsettled pint, because you won’t appreciate how nice it is. And you don’t slurp the white bit off the top first - you drink the black bit through the white. It’s lovely.
Subscribe to audio
