Test for citizens?
Grandad January 29th, 2007
It has been announced that the Government is proposing to introduce a test for immigrants to check their knowledge of Irish culture.
In our usual fashion, we at Head Rambles are able to break the latest on this.
At great risk to herself, Herself has managed to obtain some sample questions which we believe will appear on the final questionnaire.
The questions are given below and the answers in hidden form. We ask you not to peek at the answers until you have made a genuine attempt to answer correctly.
In what county is the Ring of Kerry? Kerry
What is Twink’s real name and what is her catchphrase? Adele King. “Zip up your mickey”
Explain the meaning of the following:
Up the pole? Preganant
Two sockets and no plug? Two lesbians
I will in me bollix? I would rather not if that’s all right with you
What is the difference between a duck? One of his legs is both the same
What is Mary Harney:
A picture of health? Are you joking?
Minister for Health? Supposed to be
How much does it cost to get land rezoned? Depends on the Minister or Counsellor to be bribed
Where did the Irish Football Team win the World Cup:
In Germany? No
In Italy? No
In their dreams? Yes
Why is a mouse when he spins? Because the higher he goes the fewer
Where is the best place in Ireland to buy drugs? Just about anywhere
Where in Dublin would you have found, or would find:
The Tart with the Cart? Grafton Street
Bertie’s Hole? Dublin Port Tunnel
The Time in the Slime? Millennium Clock in the Liffey
The Floozie in the Jacuzzi? O’Connell Street
How much does it cost to cross the Ha’penny Bridge ? Nothing
End of questions
In addition to the above, all applicants for entry to Ireland must have read the following classics of Irish literature:
“Ulysses” by James Joyce.
“P.S. I Love You” by Bertie Ahern’s daughter what’s-her-name.
“Peig” by Peig Sayers [in the original Irish, of course].
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It’s traditional for these tests to be completely unanswerable by almost everyone who’s actually a native of the host country, of course
Is the difference between a duck that one of his legs is both the same?
Yes Dario. You’re in. Collect your passport at any Post Office.
You missed the Spire, or the ‘Stiffey by the Liffey’ as it’s most commonly known!
Why am I getting a US flag beside my name? I’m in Ireland!
Sorry Elly. You must have failed the test. You are on the deportation list to the States. Get used to the flag!!
You may physically be in Ireland but you are working for a company who’s headquarters are in the Great Satan’s land far across the sea
Holy God!!! You’re right Niall. She’s CIA. I just checked with the lads in the Black Van outside.
I heading back under my rock, they’ll never find me there!
Why is a mouse when he spins? Is it the more he goes round, the much?
“Why is a mouse when he spins? Is it the more he goes round, the much?”
No. Because the higher he goes, the fewer.
Sorry, Katherine. It’s the plane for you…
Grandad,
A stupid friend of mine couldn’t remember the answers to the questions
at the U.S. Immigration Department, so I told him I would write the answers in his underwear and he’d be all set when they questioned him.
First Question: Who was the first President of the United States?
Looking down at the waistband of his shorts,he replied” J.C.Penney.”
Second question: How many states in the United States?
Again peeking in his shorts he replied” 34 to 36″
“What are the colors of the flag?
Brown and White.
LOL
I take it he got in?
Grandad,
Certainly he got in!!! If a bunch of Islanders come rowing up to Miami Beach in a refrigerator box, they are immediately waved in and given green cards. The only people we give a really hard time to are,for instance, the Heart and Lung transplant team from the Cardiac Center in Bern, Switzerland who are trying to get to Johns Hopkins Hospital or the scientists from the DNA forensic Crime Solving Unit at Scotland Yard. Those people are of no use to us. We want the clever ones who get by with not one word of English and not one red cent in their pocket. They are our kind of guys!!!!
“We want the clever ones who get by with not one word of English and not one red cent in their pocket”
So if I learn Irish and forget English, I can come?
Wahhhhhhhh me da told that - he’s a dead man!
Grandad,
I don’t know if learning Irish would help you in America.
Heard on a street corner in New York recently, “Look, man, you’re in America now, speak SPANISH.”
Katherine,
I have been researching the annals of Irish culture and history and “Why is a mouse when he spins? Is it the more he goes round, the much?” is in fact acceptable. You may stay.