New tunnel for Cork
Grandad February 6th, 2007
Flushed with the success of the Dublin Port Tunnel, the Irish Government has announced plans for an undersea link with France.
Following on the announcement that Ireland would switch to driving on the right later this year, it has been decided that this was the next logical step in the integration of our road network with the rest of Europe.
“We have the equipment now, and the expertise” said a Government Spokesman, “We might as well use it”
Route of tunnel
The tunnel will extend from Cork to the Brest Peninsula and will be a total of 470 Km long. It is proposed to build a service station on the Scilly Isles at the half way point. To facilitate this, it has been agreed that Ireland will take sovereignty of the Isles in return for handing Donegal over to the Six Counties [or the Seven Counties as they will be known]. This will have the added advantage of removing Daniel O’Donnell.
French entrance to tunnel
Asked why the tunnel wasn’t being constructed between Dublin and Anglesea, which is a distance of only 80Km, a Government Spokesman said that there wasn’t that much difference in length.
“Anyway” he continued “The Brits steadfastly refuse to relinquish Sterling and have no intention of switching their driving sides, so they are not really part of Europe. They are more American than European”
When asked about travellers who wished to go from Dublin to Anglesea, he stated
“It is only a minor detour. They can drive to France via the new tunnel, get the train through the Channel Tunnel and drive straight up to Wales.
It’s only a round trip of about 1,880Km” he added. “And with the state of modern roads, 1,800Km extra is nothing. Sure I could do that in an hour or two”
The tunnel will consist of two single lane roads, each in its own separate bore. In line with Port Tunnel policy, it will be insufficiently high to take lorries.
Some vehicles may be too high
Asked what would happen in the event of a vehicle breakdown or a slow driver, the spokesman stated that the momentum of the traffic behind the obstruction would carry it through to the far end.
“It’ll be like shit flowing through a sewer” he added.
Travellers will be asked to avoid food or drink for a period of ten hours prior to making their journey.
“We can’t afford the luxury of someone stopping for a quick dump or a pee” said the spokesman.
It is estimated that journey time will be reduced from the current 18 hours to 5 hours.
“And it’ll be one in the eye for those b*st*rds in Irish Ferries” muttered the spokesman.
- On the road
- Comments(21)
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But me poor SUV won’t even make it as far as the service station
That’s what you get for having an SUV. Get yourself a decent car and you can drive for days without filling up.
Will I be able to bring my pushbike?
Pushbikes are allowed. No problem. However you must be aware that there will be a minimum speed limit of 100kmph [that's around 60mph, in old money], so you will need to be reasonably fit.
aaaauuugggghhh! give them cork! not donegal! or maybe just west cork…
My car will never make it that far without a full time mechanic in the back and a boot full of spare parts – bloody Punto
No. For a start, it would make the map a bit messy, and they would then have to have borders at each end of the country [we'd be like a sandwich]. And anyway, the tunnel is going from Cork, so we can’t give that away.
But that is the beauty of the system. You put your car in neutral, and let the vehicle behind push you through. You’ll be there in no time.
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Either that, or change your car?
messy maps are the way of the world, granddad.
…… says Laurie from the U.S. where all their borders are straight lines.
not my city. there are no straight streets in my city.
my city, st. paul, was famously laid out “by drunken irishmen.” so said our former governor, Jesse “the body” ventura on the david letterman show one night.
people were outraged! how dare he say that! that’s racism! but those of us of irish descent just sort of nodded quietly and poured ourselves another guinness….
Will there be another immigrant camp where they go to crazy lengths to get into – yes, into – Ireland on the French side? It wouldn’t be the same without some Romanian strapped to the axle of my car …
Hello Grandad,
Do you think there is a chance for me to open a McDonald’s at the Scilly stop? You could pull in there for burgers and fries ( No need for a rest room due to the 10 hour restriction on eating or drinking.)
Let me know so I can load up my Hummer Limo with food and get started.
Nancy
I just hope they build a tunnel from Blarney to wherever on the coast the tunnel lands. I don’t want to be inconvenienced by going through the city.
Oh God! The Americans are at it again – they see a bit of land and they want to open a McDonalds on it straight away.
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No Nancy. Go away. We can’t have drivers all collapsing from heart attacks in the tunnel. It wouldn’t be good for business.
Donnacha – they are cutting 13 hours off the trip and you moan about a bit of city driving? Stop being such a wuss. [My daughter taught me that word!]
Sorry Dario – I missed your comment.
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No. There is no need for an Immigrant Camp on the French side. They’ll come anyway, as we don’t seem to have any restrictions like the English.
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And if any manage to walk 470Km through a dark tube full of cars driving at 120Kmph, then they are more than welcome. We need people with that level of fitness, bravery and stupidity.
Grandad,
Okay,so I got the thumbs down on the McDonalds
at the Scilly stop. How about a Bangers and Mash shop?
Fish and chips?
By the way,Grandad, how are people supposed to
breathe in this 470 km. long tunnel? Just asking.
Nancy
Fish and Chips – OK.
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Don’t ask me about breathing. It’s the government’s idea. Ask them. It’s the kind of thing they wouldn’t think of all right.
Okay, Grandad, the Hummer gets loaded with Fish and Chips
and I’m on my way.
Also, if travelers are being told to hold their “you know what” for
so many hours, maybe they can hold their breath,too!
No ‘Hummers’ – Ford Transit please.
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As for the other – I wouldn’t know about these things