Questions to ask God
Grandad April 25th, 2007
One of these years, I’ll be going to meet my maker.
I’m not being morbid. It’s a fact, and I’m quite happy about it.
But the chances are, I’ll be going sooner than you lot.
There are quite a few questions I want to ask God when I get there. I might have a moment or two with Him before they realise I’m in the wrong place and throw me out. So I’m compiling a list, so that I won’t forget any. If I get the answers, I’ll post them on this blog. Here goes…
Exactly how big is infinity, and don’t give me that ‘forever’ guff?
Where do all those odd socks go to?
Who did shoot John F Kennedy?
What’s beyond the Universe?
What was there before you invented time?
What are wasps for?
Why did you allow George W?
Why did you give our bodies two of most things but only one heart and one brain? The most important bits!
How did you fit ALL the animals in an ark, and how did you stop them eating each other?
Why don’t insurance companies sue you for “Acts of God”?
If we are all descended from Adam and Eve and their children then we must all be the result of incest. Isn’t that bad?
Did you invent PMT for the laugh?
There are lots more, but I can’t think of them at the moment. I’ll add them as I remember them.
Do you have any questions you’d like asked?
- Rambles
- Comments(25)
Subscribe to audio
WHERE DO ALL THE ODD SOCKS GO? -By Shane Ward.
Where do all the odd socks go?
It drives me to despair.
No matter how I wash the things
One goes to, who knows where?
Ten socks inside a pillowcase
And all of them are mine.
I pull them out once they are washed
To count them. Yep. There’s nine!
What is it with these wash machines?
I wish that it would stop.
So many socks I’ve lost in there
I could have filled a shop.
And why just socks for heaven sake?
It simply goes too far
I never lose a shirt, or vest,
nor underpants or bra.
Could the thing be eating them?
No. Somehow I think not.
Nor is it some strange payment
Like a laundromat type slot.
I wonder what would happen
If the day should come
That in the wash machine I put
Not two socks - only one?
And if I sit by that machine
And guard it like a sentry
Would I be surprised to find
The metal barrel empty?
Oh where do all the odd socks go?
I’ll never understand
The only way I’ll keep them all
Is wash the things by hand!
Yeah, what’s the best way to become irrestible to all women in the 18-25 age bracket without drowning myself in pheromones?
Why does cleave mean both split apart and stick together?
Why do some words need three spellings like to,too and two or wear,where and ware
Westlife. Why?
@Dario - just be yourself. It’s very unlikely God would have an answer.
@Grannymar and John - It’s unlikely He is going to bother with this. He’ll just refer me back to the inventors of the language.
@Conortje - That’s more like it. That is going on the list.
Did OJ do it?
On the list……
To God,
Why don’t you let dogs have longer lives?
Good one..
Do you really exist? If so, why not just put everyone out of their misery and confirm it?
Ah Kav..
If he didn’t exist, then I’d be talking to blank wall. And I’m not in the habit of that. Except every day when I write something on this blog.
More to the point - if he doesn’t exist, why doesn’t he come down and tell us so? It would save a lot of wars.
Ah, so a valid question you want, then.
Will Muslims and Jews be in the same heaven as us when the Day of Reckoning rolls around?
No racist grounds on that question, purely curiousity.
Good question. And will they be separated?
Actually, another question comes to mind -
If a suicide bomber goes to heaven with 40 virgins, will they always be virgins [in which case, what's the point?] or not [in which case what's the point?]
Yeah, maybe he gets an eternity of ice cream or something up there.
And what do women suicide bombers get?
yes. when you are there ask him to bung a few air conditioners downstairs. It’s hot as hell here. then tell him he’d be amazed at the number of religous cults who actually believe he exists.
“Actually, another question comes to mind -
If a suicide bomber goes to heaven with 40 virgins,”
It’s a mis-interpratation!! The actual verse states that he will go to Heaven with 40 Viginians!!!
Too bad I can’t type…..It should have read…Virginians
Brian,
Have you been at the Yuengling again?
Grandad,
Another question for God:
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Exactly how big is infinity, and don’t give me that ‘forever’ guff?
Very, very big. You wouldn’t understand.
Where do all those odd socks go to?
Limb-bo.
Who did shoot John F Kennedy?
Photographers.
What’s beyond the Universe?
Another one.
What was there before you invented time?
No watches. Not even digital ones.
What are wasps for?
Rugby.
Why did you allow George W?
Not me. ‘Twas the other lad.
Why did you give our bodies two of most things but only one heart and one brain? The most important bits!
You forgot one.
How did you fit ALL the animals in an ark, and how did you stop them eating each other?
What do you think happened to the dinosaurs, unicorns etc.?
Why don’t insurance companies sue you for “Acts of God�?
They do. I just never pay up. I let the State cover the bill - just like the catholic church.
If we are all descended from Adam and Eve and their children then we must all be the result of incest. Isn’t that bad?
You’re here, aren’t ya. Stop moaning.
Did you invent PMT for the laugh?
Yeah. Good one, wasn’t it!?!? But I gave them multiple orgasms to compensate. What did you get? Ha!
Thank you God, for answering so promptly.
As usual you speak in riddles, but never mind.
A few more questions..
* As you have answered, I presume you exist?
Why do you doubt it? Do you not call out my name, or my young lad’s, when you find something in the dark with your big toe?
* I note you are in Ireland. Is this Heaven? And if so, why are FF in charge? And if so will you please tell those Yanks in the U.S. of A. and the Jews in Isreal that theirs is not the Chosen Land?
Heaven is half-pipe.
* As you have spoken to me directly, can I start my own religion?
Of course. Just like beer, there is always time and room for one more.
* Now that you have answered my questions, does this mean I don’t have to die?
Sorry, but you do. I need your atoms back for a new project I’m working on.
* Why are you using Sneezy’s blog?
We have something in common: No-one is sure we really exist.
OK, God. Thanks for that.
One point though, when I stub my toe in the dark, or catch something unfortunate in my zip, I shout “Jayzus”, which is a Dublin thing. Nothing to do with you or your son. But you’d know that because you know everything. Or would you prefer me to switch to “Fuck”?
Great about the new religion thing. You’ll need to send me the starter kit - you know - the miracle maker kit and tips on walking and water and all that. The walking on water thing will be very handy next time I go to France. Oh - and can you include a kit to turn water into Guinness please?
One last favour. Any chance you could knock thirty years off my age? You had better include Herself, as I don’t want to be shacking up with someone old enough to be my mother. If you need atoms that urgently, you could always take that Harney one. She has plenty.
Many thanks.
Bless you.
How ironic!!! ‘Sneezy’…’God’… ‘Bless you!’…
*giggle*
I’m easily amused.
[...] The Jefferson Davis that took shit from everybody is gone. I’ve turned the other cheek too many times to count! I’ve effing had it! I’ll be back with questions for God! [...]