Archive for April, 2007

Doctors

April 21st, 2007

I’m a healthy enough individual for my age.

I have my little problems, but don’t we all?

As I grow older, bits start to drop off and I have to get them fixed on again. A bit like an old car. The rust is beginning to show.

When I was living in the suburbs, we had a doctor who lived just a few doors down. He was very handy, but he was one of the worst doctors I ever met. He knew his stuff all right, but he only had two interests in life – making money and becoming a politician.

I went to him once, as I needed a cert for work. He allocated each patient about five minutes, and for the entire session, he bitched about his overheads and his costs, and how he had to put his prices up yet again. Two days later, I saw him being interviewed on the television news – he was heading off to Cheltenham and was bragging about how he was going to have a great time backing all the horses!

I went to our local doctor yesterday. It was a routine visit. A case of gluing on the latest bits that had fallen off and checking oil levels and brake-fluid.

He is a different kettle of fish. He has only one interest in life – the care of the patient. He has a great sense of humour and we always have a laugh. He is one of those doctors that even if there is nothing wrong with you, you feel better after a visit.

Anyway. I had my visit and afterwards I met Herself for a coffee.

“Did you ask him about your short term memory problem?” says she.

Of course, I didn’t.

I forgot.

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Cully & Sully are at it again

April 20th, 2007

I have really had a bellyful of that Cully & Sully crowd.

Not content with snowing me under with ceramic bowls, so I can’t even use half the rooms any more, they are now plagiarising my work.

I was browsing their site today in the hope of hacking into it and leaving a rude comment or two, and what do I come across?

This

That is going too far. They give an old address for a post last February, and then quote verbatim the last post I did about them, under the heading of ‘other blogs’. So they are filling their website with my hard work. And not so much as a single fish pie in return. Next thing they’ll be packaging my entire Blog in ceramic bowls and selling it off.

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I was going to contact my solicitors and bring them to the European Court of Plagiarising Blogs or something. But I do like their pies so I’ll be lenient.

I have learned a little about search engines in the last few months, and I have found that by writing about Cully and Sully, I am climbing up the search results. Already, I’m only just behind them in Google, and soon I’ll overtake them. Then anyone who searches for them, will find me. And I can write what I like about them.

So they had better be damn nice to me from now on.

Sartorial Elegance

April 20th, 2007

I wear clothes for three reasons.

I want to keep warm as it can get quite chilly up in the mountains.

I need somewhere to keep things like my tobacco and spare change and things like that.

Lastly, I don’t want to scare the children or make other men jealous.

To me, clothes are a functional item.  They are there to serve a purpose, and they do it well.  So what do I like to wear?

Starting from the bottom, I like comfortable shoes.  I have a pair of runners that are very comfortable, but Herself has hidden them because she says they look shabby.  This annoys me because they are like gloves – very light and comfortable, and they do the job of keeping sharp stones from between my toes.

Socks are fine, as long as they come above the ankles.  I’m not worried about colour or whether they match or anything like that.  Just so long as they stop my shoes chaffing my ankles.

Trousers I’m a bit more fussy about.  34″ waist, 34″ leg, zip up the front and pockets. Pockets are essential.  They must be deep enough so that when I sit down, all my loose change doesn’t fall out.  I’m not worried about colour, so long as it isn’t pink, white or green.  Also I think polka dots look a bit clownish.

Shirts are easier.  Any colour as long as I don’t force people to wear sun-glasses.  But my shirt must have a breast pocket.  That’s where I keep my Euro notes and my mobile.  If I don’t have a breast pocket, I’m lost.

And I won’t wear a shirt that has writing on.  Unless it’s funny or obscene.  I don’t see why I should give anyone free advertising, or pretend to have been to an American university I’ve never heard of.

We were heading out for a drive yesterday, so I had another look for my runners [no go - she's damn good at hiding things] and put on a pair of shoes instead.

“You can’t wear those shoes!” she shrieked.

“Why not?”

“You can’t wear black  shoes with brown trousers!”

I’m not privy to the black arts of Trinny and Suzannah, so I just changed my shoes.  It’s easier than arguing.  The fact that the black shoes are safer for driving in is irrelevant. The fact that they are more comfortable is of no consequence.

Herself is threatening to let the “Off the Rails” crowd on me to teach me the black art.  I’d welcome that as it would give me a chance to bitch-slap [I believe that's the expression] that presenter with the Dublin 4 accent.  I hate her voice.

I just don’t understand this clothing thing.  I like to wear clothes that are functional and comfortable [and have the right number of pockets]. Herself likes me to wear things that are uncomfortable and non-functional but look well.  To me, comfort is the most important thing.  To her, looks are the most important thing.

I have a wardrobe of lovely comfortable jeans and trousers and shirts.  I have a nice selection of shoes, boots and runners.  But I can’t wear any of them because they don’t look good.

On second thoughts, I’ll invite the “Off the Rails” team around myself.  Apart from bitch-slapping Yer Wan, I might learn what the hell all the fuss about.

But I can’t find my mobile.  Herself insisted I wear the shirt I’m wearing.

And it doesn’t have a breast pocket.

My Dad

April 19th, 2007

I haven’t written about my father before.

He is a difficult man to write about.

He died 32 years ago and I still miss him.

He was a very quiet man – quite the quietest I have ever met. When he spoke, he was always worth listening to. He had a very sharp mind and a very dry sense of humour. He was a civil engineer by profession, but he should have been a philosopher.

I remember one incident that gives a little insight.

Many many years ago, we used to get a lot of Jehovahs Witnesses to our door. My mother used to slam the door in their face. But one day, she was out and they called. My father invited them in.

I don’t remember the exact conversation, but I remember the scene and the gist of it.

The two lads sat there in their immaculate suits, on the edge of the seat. Their faces were aglow. This was probably the first invite they’d had in weeks. They had all their pamphlets and were raring to go.

“What can I do for you?” says my Dad, lighting a cigarette.

“We have come to share the glory of our message” they beamed. They looked like a pair of crows on a telephone wire.

“I don’t believe in all that glory stuff” said my Dad, without blinking. In fact he was a regular Mass-goer, but he wasn’t going to let that spoil a good debate.

So they spent half an hour trying to convince him of their message. They quoted the Bible at him. He quoted the Bible back at them. Every argument they would put up, he would counter it. I felt sorry for them. They hadn’t a chance. I knew he could logically argue that black was white.

You have to understand that my Dad had nothing against these two.  He wasn’t trying to convert them. He just occasionally felt like a debate.

They began to get frustrated. They lost every argument, and eventually fell back on the basic argument the you must have faith.

“You must believe in God” they said in desperation.

“Why?” said Dad. “Why should I believe in anything when I don’t know that anything exists?”

They were beginning to despair. I knew my Dad’s argument on Nihilism and it was his ace card.

“But you exist” they said.

“How do you know?” said Dad. “You imagine you see me but I could be a figment of your imagination”

“But we can see you, and hear you, and you are talking to us” they said.

“That could be all in your mind. You can’t prove that I exist”

They were sweating at this stage. They looked distinctly uncomfortable. Their pamphlets were in disarray. My Dad looked relaxed with his cigarette. He looked serious. He actually looked like someone who wanted to be convinced.

“But I know I exist” said one “and I can see you and I can hear you so you must exist.”

“I know I exist” said Dad “and I know I imagine I’m sitting here talking to two nice young men. You could come over and kick me in the shins, but I would just say that I imagined that you came over and kicked me. That doesn’t prove anything. I know I exist, otherwise I couldn’t have these thoughts, but the rest of it – you, the house, my son there, all of it could just be part of my imagination”.

They ran before he could change his mind.

Pride

April 19th, 2007

I’m proud to be a Grandad, and I’m proud to be a Dad.

Our K8 has written a piece. Read it.

I wish I could write like that.

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