Murder and Mayhem
Grandad May 17th, 2007
Weird things have been happening here.
I have been asked by the CIA and the FBI, and by Sergeant Murphy in the village to keep quiet about it. And I always do what Sergeant Murphy says.
The fact is, someone has been sending me explosive files.
Five times, my laptop blew up because someone sent me a PDF file.
They eliminated George W, Bertie and Harney [not permanently, unfortunately] and eventually discovered that the perpetrator [perp, to you Americans] is a woman in Illinois.
It transpires that she is an author and has written a book about Senior Citizens who take to murder with a relish [or in one case, a banana]. She was trying to send me a few chapters for review, and that’s what kept exploding.
I don’t know whether she thinks I’m a writer or something, but apparently she is doing a Virtual Book Tour [is there anything that isn't Virtual these days?] and wanted to include me on her tour. Either that or I am one of the victims in her novel and she is trying to bump me off in a novel [sorry] way.
She finally got a couple of chapters through to me and it is a novel [sorry again] idea. The residents of a Senior Citizens Drop-In Centre decide to liven up their day by killing people they don’t like. This appeals to my darker side in a big way.
She actually sent me a copy of the book, but the Bomb Squad were suspicious and blew it up in a controlled explosion.
The book, by the way is called “PARK RIDGE A Senior Center Murder”
There are advantages to being a Senior Citizen. It is common knowledge that we are invisible [ever try ordering a pint in a crowded pub?]. Also the police tend to discount older people for crimes like that. And of course there is the ultimate advantage – an 80 year old convicted for 30 years has an automatic extension to their lifespan to 110.
The idea of ‘offing’ people who annoy me has crossed my mind a few times. But one has to be inventive. Whacking someone over the head with a billiard cue is effective, but crude. I like the idea of killing someone with a banana. That shows initiative.
There was one aspect of the book that I found a bit disconcerting though. I applaud the use of seniors as the perpetrators, but why bump off old people? Surely the victims should be you young people of the day. They are the ones causing the problems! I would never target anyone in their middle or later years – they have made it that far, and deserve to live [George W, Bertie and Harney excepted, of course].
So what is your excuse, Cheryl Hagedorn? Why are you killing old folk? What have you got against us? My excuse is insanity, which I shall be pleading in my forthcoming trial. What’s yours?
I saw a programme recently on “How to commit the perfect murder”. It was very interesting. Herself got very nervous as I took notes.
Apparently one of the best ways to do it is to poison someone with a previously unknown poison. A classic example is the former spy Litvinenko who was poisoned with Polonium-210. No-one had used this before, so they didn’t recognise the symptoms.
My own theory is that there are two ways to commit the perfect murder. One is to make it look like an accident [so they don't suspect anything] and the other is to dispose of the body in such a way as it will never be found. At the bottom of the Irish Sea for example.
I have conducted a few experiments in the past. The old ‘pin-hole in the brake pipe’ trick works well, but is a bit unreliable. I have tried naturally occurring poisons, such as belladonna but I was nearly caught on that one.
My most successful to date was a bloke who was a crashing bore. He reckoned he was going to found a great financial empire. He used to irritate the hell out of me. He got his wish. He is now part of the foundations of an office block in Sandyford.
Has anyone out there got any good ideas I might use?
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