Stop the world - I want to get off
Grandad May 24th, 2007
When I retired, I wondered what I was going to do with my time.
The old cliché is that I take up golf or oil painting or fishing. But I’m not very good at those. They didn’t appeal.
So I set up a little business.
I always wondered what it would be like to run a business; to make my own decisions, with noone telling me I’m late in the morning or that I’m not turning the tread wheel fast enough.
I knew nothing about business. I knew the simple basics like not selling something for less than what you paid for it. I knew that the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong. But that was about it.
I thought it would be nice when someone asked me what I did for a living and I could reply that I ‘owned my own business’ [you have to imagine that last phrase with an Evening Cocktails kind of voice].
As it was more of a hobby than anything else, I decided never to advertise it.
“What kind of eejit starts a business and makes a decision not to advertise it?” I hear you ask. My kind of eejit. I’m weird in that kind of way. Anyway, I hate ads.
“What kind of business is it?” you ask.
“Mind your own business” says I, because that would be advertising [but it's a kind of consultancy business. That'll do you for now].
I thought it would be a handy excuse if ever I was asked to do the washing up ["Sorry, I have to do my accounts"] or go shopping ["sorry, I'm expecting a phone call"]. I didn’t think anything would actually happen.
The damn thing took off and has a life of its own. Even though people had never heard of me, they started contacting me. Strange. I got some very big clients. And they started spreading the word. And I got more clients.
Now this was fine. I was occupied. And money was coming in. I could afford to renew the car. We could go to France on our holidays. There was the downside of course - I had to do book-keeping, which I hate. I never realised there was so much involved, because I had always been an employee and someone else always looked after these things. But now I’m on my own.
Things were actually starting to get a bit hectic. I was actually back to doing a nine to five job. Except, when you run your own business, you don’t knock off at the stroke of five, because there is always something important that has to be done. I was working harder in retirement than I had been when I was working. If you know what I mean.
So, last autumn, I decided to retire from my own business. I would keep my existing clients, in case they needed me, but that was it. No more new work. I could relax and read and do some gardening and play with blogs and the like.
It didn’t work.
The phone calls keep coming in. I still don’t know where they come from so I started asking them [That's called "Market Research" - I'm learning!] . It turned out all my existing clients are telling their pals and giving out my phone number.
The last few days have been hectic. I have two new big clients. One was a tender I had been asked to submit about a year ago. I had forgotten about it but they e-mailed me, and I’m to start work straight away.
New clients are ringing on a fairly regular basis. I don’t like to tell them I’m retired, because that might scare my existing clients if the word spread. I don’t like to tell them to fuck off because I’m really a very nice bloke. The only people I swear at on the phone are call centres and people doing surveys.
So I had an idea. I’d raise my prices, so they would go somewhere else, and my existing clients would think they had a bargain. But they keep accepting the quotes. So I still have more business coming in.
I’m feeling more like Reggie Perrin every day.
- work
- Comments(17)
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No sympathy for you, own fault for being so bloody talented!
So you are busier now than ever before? It will keep you on your toes
I was self employed for 4 years up until 2004 and it was either a feast or a famine as far as work was concerned. Chasing payments, catching up on paperwork, it was a nightmare. Finally one of the contract positions offered me a permanent position and it was like being in heaven. All I had to worry about was doing a good job and making it in on time in the mornings.
Of course I was made redundant a few weeks ago and I’m still unemployed now but I don’t think I could ever go back to running my own business.
@Flirty - Thank you so much for your kind words! [and how do you know what my talents are anyway - it's all bluff!!]
@Robert - No way would I ever go back to employment! No more traffic jams [I work from home]. No more crawling cap in hand because I want a day off. No more gobshites giving orders when they know less about the job than I do.
It’s hard work, but it’s fun. Usually.
Good one! We live in busy times.
You made me smile when you mentioned lifting prices to keep clients away. I heard similar stories about builders firms who were too busy and didn’t want certain Government contracts. When they tendered they gretly increased the price they would normally charge to put themselves out of contention. They were shocked to regularly actually get the work!
I’ll wave to you, John from the top of the office block I’m building!!
Apparently crunching numbers and keeping mentally active prevents alzheimers. And, a consultant is someone who tells you what you already know but charges through the nose. . . maybe next time you can fly to France or rattle about in that castle on the west coast. Go you good thing!
A consultancy? Are you the Consultancy of Leinster? I didn’t know you were so fond of royals, what with haveing a Consultancy and all now. So do we have to refer to you now as Consult Grandad? Maybe we now have to call you, His Imperial Majesty, The High Grand Consult of Kildare. Do you have to wear red velvet robes or some such when you’re out in public? Maybe you have to carry a large whopping gold encrusted Shillelagh emblazoned with your rank and title. Come on now tell us more about your new title. Does it involve owning land and serfs? Do you have any peasants or are you developing a middle class in your consultancy?
crikey doesn’t anyone know that a consultant is someone you pay a premium to tell you the things you already know?
Brian,
Actually, if you must know, my real name is Sir Reginald Tinklebury-Snapdriver M.I.R.C. Fifth Earl of the Leinster and Grand Master of the Lord High Consultancy. But you can still call me Grandad.
I rarely wear the ceremonial robes as they cause a rash. We occasionally have peasants. I like them stuffed and roast. Though I prefer duck.
Sean,
Baino got there before you.
Maybe I’m successful because I charge through the nose and tell ‘em something they don’t already know?
Ahh Grandad I you have them trapped in a gravity well of logic, the more you charge obviously the better you are so the more you charege the better you are ….ad infinitum
I have toyed with the idea of changing my name to……
His Lordship Baron von Brian Smythe - Pennington - Adjustablewrench the 53rd Duke of Dauphin M.I.G.S.A.M.L.P. and Lord High Grand Master of Taking Naps in the Middle of the Afternoon.
Why don’t you?
And I’ve just this minute landed another f*cking contract!!
See, that’s what you get for doing such good work. Now get back to work, ya’ know fingers to the bone and nose to the grindstone and all.
So Reggie, how is Miss Jones?
Grandad, it sounds like you have yourself a grand ol’ conundrum, but a good one. When you need some more gremlins to do your bidding, just let me know.
I consult people constantly, yet few of them listen.
Heck, you may have to ask TAD for assistance before long, if it gets too chaotic. Hmm…Perhaps not?
@Grannymar - She deserted me. She is doing well though. She runs a successful hairdressing business in Coronation Street.
@Jefferson - Great idea! When I want to wind the business up, I’ll employ TAD.
Good fun… Ta… I’ve been off looking for work. Now I know where it’s gone.