Warning to the people of Panama
Grandad June 3rd, 2007
I’m a fair bloke.
I like to give people a chance.
So here is a warning to the people of Panama. You are about to be on the receiving end of a series of intercontinental nuclear missiles [of about 50 mega tonnes each] that I picked up on eBay from a bloke in Moscow.
You see, I have been on the receiving end of a series of comments to my blog that have been coming in at the rate of about 100 an hour.
And they are all f*cking stupid. They are all marked “ka-ka-sh-ka” and I don’t even know what that means. They are all about the weirdest topics and I AM NOT INTERESTED. I have hundreds of the damn things.
I don’t want to know about “Books about apartment florida in miami” or “Popular authors of kokos gold fish articles” or “This site is about metal license plate frame” or “homepage of montana horse ranch” or even “Relevant links for free wedding site“.
Ron tells me that apparently they are all coming from Panama. So I’m afraid you have to go.
I got some nice targeting software from the same bloke. He threw it in for nothing [nice one, Boris. I gave you a five star rating] and here is the proposed missile path:
As you can see, the software has recommended an initial strike of 13 missiles, so we’ll see if that does the job. If it doesn’t, then I have plenty in reserve.
If you are in the habit of driving from North America to South America [or vice versa] then I’m sorry, but you’ll have to take the ferry from now on. On the other hand, shipping companies will save a fortune. This is what the map will look like after:
Again, I apologise to the people of Panama. I’m sure you are a nice nation. But you must understand that I hate spammers.
You’d better start packing.
I reckon you have about five minutes.
- spam
- Comments(23)
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Nice job, Grandad.
I’ve left you positive feedback, too. Anything else you need, you know where to find me!
Thanks Peckerhead.
I used the pseudonym ‘Boris’ to protect your identity, but you’ve blown that now. have you any of those cruise missiles left?
There you go with your extreme measures again. Think of all the crops you’re destroying!!!!
That’s Columbia, you fool!
The only thing they have in Panama is a canal, and I’m just making that a bit wider.
Stop moaning.
Grandad,
You have to have planning permission for widening canals. I’m sure the necessary forms are availanle from your local Co Council. We can’t have people starting to change the landscape themselves, otherwise developers would be out of business and there would be no-one to help the Taoiseach.
Not in Panama, you don’t.
Anyway, the need to eliminate spammers is greater.
While you’re at it, lob a couple of Scuds down Burkina Faso way.
Mr. Abubakar Okeke of the Bank of Burkina Faso keeps trying to give me someone else’s inheritance.
Go buy your own Scuds. Cheapskate!!
Grandad,
Judging from your map of the Panama Canal after your bombing threat has been carried out, I see that you have wiped out the Canal entirely and have left only open sea in its place.
That’s great news for all the shipping and cruise lines. No more boring waits to transit the Canal and, best of all, no more outrageously high tolls to pay. It’s all smooth sailing now, thanks to you.
The Panama Canal Commission might ask reparations of you in their loss of tolls, which could be considerable. For example, the Crystal Harmony paid $111,752.63 to go through, based on tonnage. All that money is lost to the Commission now, so I hope you are saving your pennies to pay your lawyer.
It’s OK, Nancy. I thought of that. I mentioned above that the shipping companies would save a fortune.
I’m not worried about the Panama Canal Commission as they will be vapourised along with the canal itself. If anyone survives, they can make their money by opening a car ferry company to cross the Straits of Grandad.
Everyone’s a winner. Except the b*st*rds who are spamming me.
Doh! Thanks for the tip-off, Grandad. I guess I’ll have to change my user ID on eBay …again!
I’ll look into those missiles for you. Unfortunately, that kiwi geezer that was building them for me has downed tools and gone off to write a book about it instead. Typical…
http://www.interestingprojects.com/cruisemissile/diary.shtml
I’ll have to look up my old friend Mr Wu. He’s based somewhere up in Galway now, working on some sort of water purification system for the government, or so I believe. Very hush-hush, and all that…
Thanks for the link Peckerhead. That’s great. I can start my own construction now. I’ll still be relying on you for the ICBMs though, if that’s OK?
BTW, is Mr Wu working on a water purification system for the government, or a government purification system for the people of Galway?
Or aren’t you allowed to say?
I just rang him and asked, but all he would say was “Swearengen! Ó CuÃv!” and an expletive that I couldn’t possibly repeat here (but it rhymed with Mother Tucker).
Mr Wu is a rather inscrutable sort of a fellow sometimes…
Are you sure you didn’t phone Bertie by mistake?
Oh, and no problem with the ICBMs. Seán will be back from Pyongyang on Tuesday for the talks with the Greens.
Whoops, there I go again — my and my big mouth! I’d better ‘go to ground’ for a while, as we say in the international arms trade…
NOW who’s talking about blowing covers?
And before you ask — no, I still didn’t get any of my bloody money back! PayPal said the transaction wasn’t covered by their Vendor Protection policy…
Threaten ‘em with a Patriot. Them and their VPPs!!
Talking of all this launching… When is Peckings taking to the air?
Soon, my friend, soon. I may have clearance by the end of the month. There’s even talk of dispatches (no, not that kind!) from Seattle, where I’m going to conduct some research.
But obviously I can’t say what kind of research… (where’s your ‘mysterious’ smilie?)
Before you drop the bomb/s do you think you could forward the address of the Horse Ranch in Montana (I’m partial to a country holiday) and get it all over with before me kid goes travelling to South America. Ta very muchly.
Latest Update
Obviously I missed their location, because I got another 126 messages from them last night.
The numbers are tailing off thought so I must have scared them.
Just to be sure, the second wave of missiles is on its way….
Another Latest Update
The latest wave of missiles seems to have done the job. “ka-ka-sh-ka� have stopped spamming me.
Unfortunately, the Panama Canal is now a good bit wider than I first intended.
Send a few in the general direction of japan and china while you are at it. i get spam from poland and korea also but leave those alone for now