Archive for June 15th, 2007

New government receive new cars

Grandad June 15th, 2007

A fleet of Mercedes-Benz C-Class cars have been delivered to Government buildings today.

Bertie Ahern announced at the delivery ceremony that the new cars “reflect the eco awareness and new green approach by the government”.

It is understood that the new cars use a revolutionary new fuel saving technique in that they are flatulence-powered. Excessive flatulence is stored and can be transferred to other vehicles.

Mary Harney and Brian Cowan have suddenly become very popular within ministerial circles.

Government ministers are delighted with the new system as it compels them to drink excessive numbers of pints before driving, in order to provide the necessary fuel.

mercedes-benz_c-class.jpg

The government are now looking at other means to reduce energy consumption in the Dáil.

The road less travelled

Grandad June 15th, 2007

I like messing around with new technology. What bloke doesn’t?

So, when a pal of TAT’s offered me a loan of one of those new in-car navigation systems, I had to take him up on it. They always intrigued me, not only with their vast knowledge of our road systems, but also the way they know where you are all the time.

We installed it yesterday, and I thought I’d try it out. I wanted to hear it tell me how to get to the village, which is a mile down the road. So I programmed in my location, and I told it where I wanted to go. And off I went.

I normally turn right at the end of the lane, and I was a bit surprised when a sexy female voice told me to turn left. But with a voice like that, how could I refuse? Maybe it knew a shortcut I had never heard of?

It was very seductive, being given these silky instructions on where and when to turn, and I trusted it completely.

I began to have some doubts when I found myself paying the motorway toll at Drogheda, but I was sure the nice girl knew best. So I carried on.

It’s a long time since I had been to Sligo, and Benbulbin looked nice through the rain.

Another place I can recommend is the Lakes of Killarney at sunset. They looked beautiful and mysterious.

I began to have my doubts about Sexy Girl’s instructions somewhere outside Bristol. This did seem rather a long shortcut. So I asked her if she was lost. She remained confident, but I was getting worried. So I reprogrammed her to take me home again.

I’m not quite sure why she chose a route through Amsterdam, but I had never been there before, and it is a beautiful city at night. I was getting hungry at this stage and I asked her to find me somewhere to eat. No problem. She found me a very nice little all-night bistro just outside Cherbourg.

I arrived home a short while ago. I never did pass through the village. My confidence in technology is a little shaken.

When we head off on the holiday, I think I’ll use a map.