Archive for June 22nd, 2007

The Prodigal Collie

Grandad June 22nd, 2007

While we had our drunken orgy quiet holiday, our K8, Puppychild and the Mad Dog looked after the house and Sandy.

They stayed on last night and K8 cooked a lovely dinner for us. In return, I looked after Puppychild this morning. Her latest hobby is face-painting, which she does with coal-dust so all this morning she was the living image of Adolf Hitler.

But I digress.

As they were leaving at midday, somehow our Sandy got out. She did it very quietly so we didn’t realise she was gone.

Then there were a couple of loud claps of thunder.

Our Sandy hates thunder. It drives her into a frenzy and she acts very irrationally -a bit like a woman with PMT. So I went looking for her to make sure she was OK, and had enough blankets to cover her head or whatever. That’s when I discovered she was gone.

I walked up and down the lane in the rain whistling my head off. No sign. I began to get worried as thunder induced irrationality can have strange effects on her. Then, to make matters worse a neighbour stopped to say she had seen Sandy about a quarter of a mile away slinking into a hedge.

So I got in the car and drove up and down, and back up again. I drove sideways and up to the bogs and down to the village. I stopped and asked total strangers [most of them foreign]. I gave my phone number to the nice looking women I met and got chatting to the bloke who is building a house for our K8. Loosing dogs is a great way to meet people.

Finally Herself rang me to say a man had her [Sandy, not Herself] down by the village. So down I went and collected a very embarrassed dog. She was wringing wet, filthy and stank to high heaven of sh*t. but then so do Herself and I, so we don’t mind.

I suppose if we hadn’t found her, we would have to have been headline news on ITN, and the world’s meeja would have ended on our doorstep as we made impassioned pleas for people to keep an eye out on their holidays.

But all’s well that ends well. Sandy is back after her little adventure and is busy leaving muddy stains on all the furniture.

Sandy relaxing

All I have to do now is find my pipe which got lost in the panic.

It’s the second damn time I’ve lost it today.

Law and order will be restored

Grandad June 22nd, 2007

I’m back.

And I see in my absence the world has gone to the dogs.

My server attempted a takeover coup, which was unsuccessful, mainly to it not being able to spell ICBM. A little learning is a dangerous thing. I have forgiven it on the grounds that it has shown more initiative, gumption and balls than the Green Party. And the fact that it has somewhat inflated my coffers.

Mad Cow Harney is back destroying the Health Service. Ahern is appointing his pay-off cronies to high places. Dangerous criminals are being released from prison “by mistake”. And I hear Paris Hilton is on hunger strike? How do they know? Who gives a sh*t?

I honestly feel like the teacher who has nipped out of class for five minutes for a surreptitious fag hoping that the class can behave for a few minutes, only to return to discover that the classroom is on fire, and there are bodies everywhere. Can I not trust you all to do anything right without my guidance?

I’m back in the driving seat now, so you will all have to watch your backs.

As for myself? I had a great break thanks. It p*ss*d down most of the time, as I predicted, but I didn’t give a damn. I got p*ss*d too so that balanced things out. I only got drunk once [from Sunday evening to Thursday morning] so I behaved myself reasonably well. More on that anon.

On a side note, I switched on the wireless this morning. Ryan ‘Motor Mouth’ Tubridy thought he had discovered where I was staying. He moved his entire radio program over to The West to interview me. He thought he would catch me out. But I value my privacy and went before he arrived. So he had to make do with Peter O’Toole’s daughter instead. They broadcast from the remains of the pub where I had done some of my drinking.

You have to get up very early to catch Grandad out.