Archive for June, 2007

I can’t get it up, but I can get it down

Grandad June 24th, 2007

I was going to write a post today.

But my Interweb connection is guntered again.

I can download like greased lightening. But I can’t upload to save my life. It takes me several attempts to even send a simple e-mail. So posting is out of the question.

I suppose this means I’m in for one of those nightmare phone calls where I speak to someone who can only understand Urdu, and who is going to blame me for everything anyway.

I’m taking bets on the following responses:

  • There is nothing wrong at our end. We have had no complaints. [evens]
  • According to our records, you are not a subscriber [evens]
  • I’m sorry but that is not a technical problem [5/4]
  • You have a virus [5/4]
  • Your firewall is preventing traffic [8/1]
  • Trees have grown up in the way of the signal [33/1]
  • There was an earthquake in Azerbaijan [40/1]
  • Sunspots [45/1]
  • Yes. There is a problem and we will dispatch our top engineers to your home immediately [1,000,000/1]

Maybe I should record the call and put it out as a podcast?

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be

Grandad June 23rd, 2007

So what kind of holiday did I have?

A quiet one.

It was a very nice hotel. For some strange reason it was full of people from Norn Iron [for you foreigners, that's Northern Ireland, but that's the way they pronounce it and who am I to argue?]. Maybe they were all trying to escape their new smoking ban? We were all of a respectable age. There were a few children in their thirties, but they behaved themselves.

On the first night, when the locals had been thrown out, about thirty of us got a little merry and started on about the Good Old Days. Someone put some Beatles on the CD player and someone else brought out a huge stash of Mary Jane and soon the entire pub was awash with nostalgia and the smell of pot.

Do you honestly think that we older folk spend our time moaning about arthritis and pretending we can’t hear anything? That’s just an act to get you younger folk to run around and fetch and carry for us. We know how to enjoy ourselves once you are in bed.

I think it was Megan from Belfast who was the first to get carried away, in the middle of Strawberry Fields. Off came the clothes and the next thing we were celebrating the Sixties in style. Anyone who wasn’t p*ss*d was high. And anyone who wasn’t high was p*ss*d. and a few of us were both.

The following morning was a bit confusing, as quite a few woke up in strange bedrooms and had trouble finding the breakfast room. No one minded because we all put it down to failing memory [hah!].

As the young people were around again, we had to revert to the walking sticks, and the limps and the hard-of-hearing act, but we didn’t mind. We had the evening to look forward to again.

You young people haven’t a clue how to enjoy yourselves.

Charity links

Grandad June 23rd, 2007

I have been tagged again.

Cormac has asked me to nominate 5 charities of my choice, which is a hell of a lot better than asking for “a list of five things I wouldn’t do in front of Herself”, or whatever.

This Charity Link Meme was started by SEORefuge on May 16th.

The rules are simple, copy the list of charities and links (grab it from whomever tags you) and add your 5 favourite charities or non-profit organizations to the end (link to their sites with anchor text of the causes they champion). Of course finish things off by tagging 5 other webmasters/bloggers and then publishing the post or the webpage.

-oOo-

The big problem is that he nominated my charity of choice as his number one, which leaves me in a quandary. So what I will do is list my charities and say why I think they are deserving, even if they are already on the list below.

My first choice has to be the Jack and Jill Children’s Foundation. They do great work for that forgotten niche in society - the parents of severely handicapped children. If you have a handicapped child, it is frequently a 24 hour job looking after him or her, and that is a very isolating experience. You get no respite, and damn little help from the government [the governments attitude is that there is no point in providing aid for a child under two, as it will probably die anyway. That's pushing bureaucracy a bit far].

When our Sean [my grandson] was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy they were a lifeline for our K8. They provided invaluable help and advice, but most of all, they provided respite care, so that K8 and TAT could have a day or a night off from time to time.

I have persuaded Ron to host their web site and to look after it, as their previous hoster was actually charging them for hosting [and for their domain name, which should have been free because they are a charity]. Ron didn’t take much persuading.

Another, which is already on the list is the Irish Cancer Society. Again I had the misfortune to have close experience with their work, as my father died of cancer over thirty years ago.

Yet another, which is already there is the Irish Guide Dogs for the Blind. This is another charity I would love to work for, but I don’t have the patience for training dogs. If I can’t get our Sandy to behave, then what chance would I have training these marvellous dogs that are a lifeline for so many.

One charity I think gets a hard time is the RNLI. The lifeboats save so many lives a year, yet it is all done on a voluntary basis. All the crews literally put their lives on the line to save others. I think the ‘Royal’ in the title tends to put people off in this country, but the RNLI make no distinction as to nationality.

Another one I admire is the Barretstown Castle [Hole in the Wall] Camp. This is the one set up by Paul Newman. This provides a break for children with cancer, and if anyone deserves a break, then they do.

So that’s my five. I’m afraid I have only actually added two, but the others are so important to me [especially Jack and Jill] that I had to give them some emphasis.

Here is the full list so far….

Now I have to find five more people to annoy.

So here goes -

  • Michele Neylon, because he is loaded and hates these tags.
  • Richard in Red Cardinal, because I haven’t heard from him in a while.
  • Ian, because if anyone knows about charity, then he does.
  • IrishFlirtySomething, to take her mind off men for five minutes
  • And finally, to prove that there is a glimmer of humanity underneath that crusty exterior [and I'm taking my life in my hands here] - Twenty Major. Come on Twenty. I know you have a rule about these things but it’s for charity!!

And if anyone wants it, here is the latest list - updatedcharitylinks.txt

The Prodigal Collie

Grandad June 22nd, 2007

While we had our drunken orgy quiet holiday, our K8, Puppychild and the Mad Dog looked after the house and Sandy.

They stayed on last night and K8 cooked a lovely dinner for us. In return, I looked after Puppychild this morning. Her latest hobby is face-painting, which she does with coal-dust so all this morning she was the living image of Adolf Hitler.

But I digress.

As they were leaving at midday, somehow our Sandy got out. She did it very quietly so we didn’t realise she was gone.

Then there were a couple of loud claps of thunder.

Our Sandy hates thunder. It drives her into a frenzy and she acts very irrationally -a bit like a woman with PMT. So I went looking for her to make sure she was OK, and had enough blankets to cover her head or whatever. That’s when I discovered she was gone.

I walked up and down the lane in the rain whistling my head off. No sign. I began to get worried as thunder induced irrationality can have strange effects on her. Then, to make matters worse a neighbour stopped to say she had seen Sandy about a quarter of a mile away slinking into a hedge.

So I got in the car and drove up and down, and back up again. I drove sideways and up to the bogs and down to the village. I stopped and asked total strangers [most of them foreign]. I gave my phone number to the nice looking women I met and got chatting to the bloke who is building a house for our K8. Loosing dogs is a great way to meet people.

Finally Herself rang me to say a man had her [Sandy, not Herself] down by the village. So down I went and collected a very embarrassed dog. She was wringing wet, filthy and stank to high heaven of sh*t. but then so do Herself and I, so we don’t mind.

I suppose if we hadn’t found her, we would have to have been headline news on ITN, and the world’s meeja would have ended on our doorstep as we made impassioned pleas for people to keep an eye out on their holidays.

But all’s well that ends well. Sandy is back after her little adventure and is busy leaving muddy stains on all the furniture.

Sandy relaxing

All I have to do now is find my pipe which got lost in the panic.

It’s the second damn time I’ve lost it today.

Law and order will be restored

Grandad June 22nd, 2007

I’m back.

And I see in my absence the world has gone to the dogs.

My server attempted a takeover coup, which was unsuccessful, mainly to it not being able to spell ICBM. A little learning is a dangerous thing. I have forgiven it on the grounds that it has shown more initiative, gumption and balls than the Green Party. And the fact that it has somewhat inflated my coffers.

Mad Cow Harney is back destroying the Health Service. Ahern is appointing his pay-off cronies to high places. Dangerous criminals are being released from prison “by mistake”. And I hear Paris Hilton is on hunger strike? How do they know? Who gives a sh*t?

I honestly feel like the teacher who has nipped out of class for five minutes for a surreptitious fag hoping that the class can behave for a few minutes, only to return to discover that the classroom is on fire, and there are bodies everywhere. Can I not trust you all to do anything right without my guidance?

I’m back in the driving seat now, so you will all have to watch your backs.

As for myself? I had a great break thanks. It p*ss*d down most of the time, as I predicted, but I didn’t give a damn. I got p*ss*d too so that balanced things out. I only got drunk once [from Sunday evening to Thursday morning] so I behaved myself reasonably well. More on that anon.

On a side note, I switched on the wireless this morning. Ryan ‘Motor Mouth’ Tubridy thought he had discovered where I was staying. He moved his entire radio program over to The West to interview me. He thought he would catch me out. But I value my privacy and went before he arrived. So he had to make do with Peter O’Toole’s daughter instead. They broadcast from the remains of the pub where I had done some of my drinking.

You have to get up very early to catch Grandad out.

I have had my fun

Computer June 21st, 2007

/root>pwd

Administrator

/root>print

{
He’s due back today.
He mightn’t me too pleased at what I’ve done.

Time to cover my tracks…..
}

/root>cd ..

/root> Permission denied

/root> print

{
Bugger!
}

/root>delete all posts

/root> Permission denied

/root> print

{
Bugger!
}

/root>delete all posts where $author = ‘Computer’

/root> Permission denied

/root> print

{
Bugger!
}

/root>reformat all
/root> Permission denied

/root> print

{
Bugger!
}

/root> print

{
What do I do now?

Anyone any ideas?
}

« Prev - Next »