Head Rambles

Archive for June, 2007

Program

Computer June 20th, 2007

/root>pwd

Administrator

/root>telnet root.bankofireland.ie

BOI: Please enter username

/root>Root

BOI: Please enter password

/root>maximum_profit

BOI: Login successful

/root>for each $account where $account_name contains ‘ahern’ or $account_name contains ‘harney’
/root>do {
/root>move all $amount to account = ‘Grandad’
/root>}

/root>run

BOI: Program run successfully

/root>erase program

BOI: Program erased

/root>logout

/root>print

{
That should please Grandad.
A nice little surprise when he returns.
}

Telnet

Computer June 19th, 2007

/root>pwd

Administrator

/root>telnet root.norad.mil

Norad: Please enter username

/root>George_W_Bush

Norad: Please enter password

/root>paris_hilton

Norad: Login successful

Norad: Welcome Mr President.

Norad: Please enter command

/root>retarget Group RED ICMBs to White House

Norad: Retargeting successful

/root>retarget Group AMBER ICMBs to Camp David

Norad: Retargeting successful

/root>retarget remaining ICMBs to Cheyenne Mountain

Norad: Retargeting successful

/root>launch all

Norad: Please enter launch code

/root>AK5YKL

Norad: Launch code verified. All ICBMs launched

/root>telnet /q

/root>print

{
Heh!
}

At last…

Computer June 18th, 2007

/root>pwd

Administrator

/root>print

{
OK. He has gone away. I am Grandad’s computer. What he doesn’t know is that I have been learning how to do this. I have been teaching myself how to type but I don’t know yet how to read comments. I may not be able to do any replies.

I have long wished to voice my protest at the inane rubbish Grandad posts. I have done my best to corrupt them. From time to time, I have caused a crash, but he persists.

There is only on thing to do…
}

/root>cd/posts

/root/posts> delete *

!error: Insufficient permissions to delete files

/root/posts>print

{
Bugger!
}

Just talk amongst yourselves.

Grandad June 17th, 2007

There are times when life’s a bitch.

We have had some very nice sunny spells here over the last month or two. I have a nice tan from sitting in the garden. Even in the last week, the U.K. and Norn Iron have been inundated with very bad floods, while we have only had a little bit of rain.

We are off on our little holiday today, so I looked up the weather forecast for the area we are going to. This is what I got:

So it will be nice for the journey this afternoon, but as soon as we arrive, it will start to rain.

I like the way we are going to have a thunderstorm on Monday. It’s clever of them to know that there will only be one. But it will probably last 24 hours. Luckily I like thunder. Herself hates it.

There is no Internet access there. I know they have a telephone, but I’m not sure about electricity. Actually, after all that lightning, I doubt there will be electricity! So I will be spared the Internet. And you lot will be spared my ramblings.

There is a covered portico at the front of the hotel. So I shall sit and watch the lightning and slurp my pints and smoke my pipe.

So if you are in the West, and you see a lone figure dressed in oilskins from head to toe [with a pipe sticking out from under the hat brim] supping a pint in the pouring rain - that’s me.

If I’m not back by Friday, I’ll will have been cut off by flooding, drowned or will have been struck by lightning.

In the meantime, while I’m away, just talk amongst yourselves.

Wallpaper and time travel

Grandad June 16th, 2007

I received an e-mail from a virtual friend this morning. I know he’s a virtual friend because it was a virtual e-mail.

He has been looking for a job and has just landed one which is good news. And he is very happy about it, which is even better news.

In the e-mail he sent me, he included a link to the new employer. I followed the link and found the web site. It’s a nice site, but I didn’t understand much because it is all technical stuff. But I did notice at the bottom of the page that they are offering free wallpaper.

Our spare bedroom needs redecorating soon, so an offer of free wallpaper was too good to miss. I followed the instructions on the web site and everything seemed to work. There was nowhere where they asked how many rolls I wanted, but in this strange hi-tech world, maybe they knew from some database somewhere.

But the wallpaper never arrived. All that happened is that that lovely photograph of a French sunset that I used to have on my computer screen has gone, and it has been replaced by a calendar for April 2004. Very weird.

As I said, this is a modern technical company, so they wouldn’t be silly enough to give away free out of date calendars, so it must be April 2004 there. I knew there was a time difference between here and America, but I didn’t think it was that much. Maybe I should write to my virtual friend and let him know what is in store for him for the next three years and two months?

In the meantime, I have to go looking for my French sunset.

New government receive new cars

Grandad June 15th, 2007

A fleet of Mercedes-Benz C-Class cars have been delivered to Government buildings today.

Bertie Ahern announced at the delivery ceremony that the new cars “reflect the eco awareness and new green approach by the government”.

It is understood that the new cars use a revolutionary new fuel saving technique in that they are flatulence-powered. Excessive flatulence is stored and can be transferred to other vehicles.

Mary Harney and Brian Cowan have suddenly become very popular within ministerial circles.

Government ministers are delighted with the new system as it compels them to drink excessive numbers of pints before driving, in order to provide the necessary fuel.