Head Rambles

Archive for July, 2007

Exercising Sandy

Grandad July 23rd, 2007

I like to bring our Sandy for a five mile run every day.

I’m not up to that kind of running so I got an idea from our K8.

I let her [Sandy, not K8] out of the car and then drive for five miles at about 20 mph. Sandy runs like the clappers to keep up and she loves it. It’s great exercise for her.

The only snag is that once she got distracted by some sheep. Now, I don’t want her to be shot by some irate farmer for sheep worrying [how can sheep be worried? They don't have enough brain cells], so I took to tying her to the car with a length of rope.

This has worked very well. But lately I’ve noticed something very sad.

She is getting old. She can no longer manage the full five miles.

I now have to drag her along the ground for the last mile.

New policy for tourists

Grandad July 22nd, 2007

I went to the village this afternoon.

I was sitting outside the coffee shop, enjoying my coffee and a puff on the pipe when I saw a couple of tourists.

They were prime targets. Not only did they look lost, but one of them was a SOTH [Sunglasses On The Head - for future reference]. I was just lining up the shot, when they caught me by surprise. They called me over!!

I crossed the road to see what they wanted. Luckily they didn’t notice the rifle. Apparently they wanted someone to photograph them. So I did. I shot them with their own cameras, so to speak. They were delighted and were very grateful. They then asked for directions………….

Now I felt a bit sorry for them. I was tempted to send them up to the bogs, but it’s getting quite crowded up there. And anyway, they were a nice couple. So I told them I was a stranger to the area, and they would be better off asking directions in the local supermarket.

None of the staff in the local supermarket speak English! They can’t find where the pipe tobacco is, let alone where the local tourist attractions are.

I went back to my coffee and waited to see which direction my friends ended up taking. They came out of the supermarket and headed off on the wrong road, of course.

So. No more bog. From now on, I’m going to send everyone into the supermarket.

I can take bets with myself as to which road out of the village they’ll take. It’s like a lottery.

It’s much more fun.

Am I a suicide bomber or just getting old?

Grandad July 22nd, 2007

I recently discovered I’m a Boomer.

This worried me for a while, as spontaneous explosion is a messy way to go. Ask any suicide bomber.

Apparently what it really is, is an age demographic, and it roughly means anyone born between 1945 and 1955. Trust the Americans to come up with that expression.

I have been following the Boomer Exploits on various American sites, as they have loads of blogs and sites for us oldies. One of the quirky things they say about us is that we are more likely to use emoticons.

I suppose this makes sense as we are more used to personal contact, and are still a bit bemused by all this anonymous typing-on-the-Internet thingy. We are used to finely crafted handwritten letters that explain how we feel, whereas the new technology forces us into brief, curt sentences where we have to explain everything in shorthand.

Emoticons are a convenient way of doing this.

If I wrote to someone and said “You are a greasy little dago” they might be insulted. But If I wrote “You are a greasy little dago ” they know I’m only joking. I hope.

Anyway, Going Like Sixty has come up with some great new emoticons especially for us oldies. LOLX…..

-oOo-

Just as an idle point of interest, yesterday was the fist time ever, that this humble little site had more visitors from America than it did from Ireland.

Could it be that the Irish were all outdoors enjoying the first dry spell in 45 days?

Or did everyone follow me into Facebook and got lost? Like I did? I found quite a few of my Irish friends wandering around the corridors desperately trying to find their way out. It’s a very confusing place.

Or could it be that the Internet is turning me into an American?

I think I’m going to spontaneously explode…….

What the..?

Grandad July 21st, 2007

First there were web sites. They were easy.

Then there were forums [fora?]. I got the hang of them.

Then along came the likes of iPod. I haven’t a clue about them. I don’t know what they are, have never seen one and don’t want one.

Then there were blogs. I’m slowly getting the hang of them.

Podcasting? I’m still experimenting with that.

But now there are all these ‘Social Networking’ sites. They have me baffled.

I’m in MyBlogLog, but haven’t a clue how to work it or what I’m supposed to do there. It gives me some nice information about who is visiting my blog, but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.

There are sites like Bebo and MySpace which I avoided like the plague because they seemed to be full of kids talking text-speak.

Then everyone started talking about Facebook. What the hell is that all about?

I joined yesterday. To my surprise, I found a couple of familiar faces in there. So I said hello.

It seems to be quite a complicated place. I haven’t explored it fully yet, but even at this stage I’m baffled. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to walk up to total strangers and Poke them? That’s the kind of thing a Puppychild would do, but not a Grandad.

I had a look around for my old school but it isn’t even listed [maybe they got some sense and demolished it?]. I don’t know how else to find people I know unless I type in their names individually. That seems tedious.

If any of you are members of Facebook, then find me and introduce yourself. There’s only one Grandad, and that’s Grandad Himself. And then tell me what I’m supposed to do next.

I blame Kathy Foley.

Waiting

Grandad July 20th, 2007

Dear God,

I am writing to you in desperation.

I have led a good life. I have never done anyone any harm [apart from a couple of tourists but they don't count] and treat all your creation with great respect [apart from wasps]. What have I done to annoy you?

Are you having a laugh? Is all this crap weather a wee joke? If so, then I think your humour is a little warped. You must realise that a joke can wear thin. And this joke has frankly gone totally anorexic.

I completely understand if this is the start of a Biblical Flood. The world has gone to the dogs, and maybe a Flood is a good idea. It worked before. But last time you at least had the courtesy to tell Noah in advance. If it is a Biblical Flood, then at least warn me so that I can start rounding up a few animals. Just in case, I have started construction on the ark and it’s coming on quite well. I have made provision for all the animals [except wasps, tourists and politicians].

Could you please stop faffing about. Could you please tell me if this is the flood, or is this just your warped humour? Even better - could you please give us a bit of summer?

Yours in dampness,

Grandad

P.S. That lightning bolt that just hit my favourite tree wasn’t funny either.

I’m back

Grandad July 19th, 2007

I woke this morning at half five and went to do what old folk do at half five in the morning.

I went back to bed, but I was wide awake so I got up again.

I’m glad I did.

The sun is shining fit to bust. The birds are shouting their heads off, and the builders in the neighbours ruin haven’t started shouting in a foreign language yet.

On top of that, the grounds of Headrambles Manor look great. I finally cut the grass yesterday. It hasn’t been cut in weeks because of the rain, so it was sort of long….

My lawn yesterday morning

It was a bitch to cut, and it took two hours as I had to keep unblocking the chute at the back of the machine. Forest Gump made it look easy. There is nothing worse than plunging your arm down a narrow tube to clear out the grass, and not knowing what else you are scooping out. Sorry Sandy - I know you have to go somewhere!

Anyway, I feel I have done my penance, so the amnesty is over, and the fatwah is back on all tourists and sunglasses wearers.

Incidentally, Brianf - where is that shipment of laser sights that I ordered off you? And the RPGs still haven’t arrived either. I’m running low on the latter.

On days like today, I really feel good to be alive.

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