Living in a bouncy castle
Grandad August 14th, 2007
A few years ago, We got a floor put down in our main living area.
There was a floor there already, but Herself decided she wanted a new one.
We ordered a nice solid-oak flooring, and I went off to work, knowing herself would look after the lads as they laid the floor.
When I got home that evening, the floor looked lovely. It really brightened up the place. Herself was happy, and who was I to argue.
A couple of years later the problems started.
A whole area of the floor started to rise up in a bubble, so when you walked in it, it was like waking on a bouncy castle. This made live difficult if you were carrying something wet and hot [like a cup of tea].
We got the bloke out who laid the floor and he said it was our fault! We were letting the floor get wet. The incontinence hadn’t kicked in at that stage, so I told him it wasn’t damp – it was bad floor laying and that he hadn’t left enough room for it to expand. He told me to f*ck off and he left.
We got in an expert. He told us two things – the floor was very badly laid, and that it wasn’t solid. It was, in fact cheap veneer. We had been had.
We couldn’t find the receipt, so we couldn’t bring the b*st*rd to court [which we would have]. Apparently the bloke in question has a reputation for being an out and out cowboy. I could thing of better terms.
I can’t name him because he would probably sue. He is that type of little sh*t.
Let’s just say that he works out of north Wicklow, and his surname sounds like a neighbouring country. If any of you want his name, just e-mail me and I will gladly tell you.
It got so bad that there were bumps all over the place and I had to start screwing them down. So our floor sprouted a rash of screws that looked awful. And I got more and more p*ss*d off with M*** B******.
In the end we decided to cut our losses. As I write this there is a very pleasant young chap laying a solid oak floor and is happily ripping up the old crap as he goes.
It has cost me an arm and a leg [that'll teach me to walk past when he is cutting planks] but it’s worth it.
There is a huge pile of ripped up cheap timber flooring that is growing on the lawn. When the job is finished, I’m going to bring that pile down to the b*st*rd’s shop and dump it in the doorway, and then set fire to it. With luck, it’ll burn the whole place to the ground.
If he complains, I’ll say it couldn’t be me.
After all, my floor was too damp to burn.
Wasn’t it?
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Yay! Finally a proper floor! Congratulations
Now you no longer need that ‘Matt’ to cover the bent bits!
Will the new floor be sprung?
I see Granny swinging you all about the room!
K8 – It looks lovely. And I don’t feel like I’m walking on the deck of a ship any more.
And you mis-spelled ‘Mat’
Grannymar – I hope not. But it’s beautifully smooth and slippery. So we might hold some ballroom dancing at some stage. Sandy has already fallen on her face a couple of times.
Are you down for sock polishing?
I remember doing that in my Grannies house.
No problem. But it’s more fun rolling a ball for Sandy. She slips and goes sliding along on her back. It brings the shine up a treat.
If you don’t need ‘Matt’ any more, I’ll have him.
Just make sure the dawg doesn’t skittle across the floor, through the french doors and into the garden. Cost me $3,500 for mine to replace her cruciate thanks to cartoon dog running (you know where their legs don’t propel them for about 10 seconds) across the slate to exit the sliding door and chase . . .well anything.
http://bainosbanter.blogspot.com/2006/11/space-dog.html
Believe me – you do not want the ‘Matt’ that K8 is talking about. Let’s just say that it’s sold as a Persian run, costs twice as much and turns out to be an old bit of canvass.
I have sent Sandy skittering out the doors a couple of times. Great fun. Especially as there are steps there. She usually bounces all the way down to the lawn.
(Note to self) Remember in the unlightly event that I ever am invited to Head Rambles Manor to wear Golf Shoes or football studs!
Sorry to hear of your woes, Grandad. That little Sh*te (Mr. Dublin/Kildare/Carlow/Wexford) sounds like a great guy – for the top of your bonfire!
In the construction business it tends to be that if you take the cheapest bid you get the cheapest work. Good luck with the burning of the floor but ummm don’t ask for bail money I am fresh out after last weekend
I’m sure Mr. England/Scotland/Wales/Ulster would burn nicely too! I’ll supply the matches.
Grannymar – I recommend rock-climbing crampons, though they do tend to leave little holes in the wood.
Steph – It sounds like you may know who I’m talking about [but don't give his name!]. You are more than welcome to apply the ignition.
Sean – That is what really p*ss*s me off. He was not cheap. He came highly recommended by a [now ex] friend.
“I have sent Sandy skittering out the doors a couple of times. Great fun. Especially as there are steps there. She usually bounces all the way down to the lawn.”
Don’t wax the new floor too much or she’ll end up bouncing to Britt… I mean Britain! She’d be much better off with a matt finish.
Stop that!!!!!!! You wanna get me in trouble?
Grandad,
You sounded a wee bit agitated in your posting but seem to have cheered up after “discussing” things with your friends.
I’ve heard of a very Politically Incorrect sport called “dwarf bowling”. Perhaps you could institute Contractor Bowling and send that offending shyster across your new floor, through the door and bouncing down the steps.
Just a suggestion.
Diane – I am still agitated. In fact more than agitated, but I am about to explain that.
I would wholeheartedly support the concept of contractor Bowling but for a couple of things. One is that he is a BIG bloke. The other is that there is a lawn at the bottom of my steps. Now, if there were a 200 foot cliff????
Go visit his premises in the middle of the night with that gun of yours. Load it with ice cubes.
Anger cured, smashed windows and no evidence!
M. Fred Canada, the contractor. Never did like him much.
Grannymar – I’m surprised at you knowing that old ice trick. Mind you, with the weather we’ve been having, the evidence mightn’t disappear that quickly!
Brianf – You are nearly right. In fact it is Fred Mexico I’m talking about.
If you want Grandad I can put a van load of guys together to go and have a chat with our wee friend. We can veneer him if you like.
That would be great, but I would prefer it if he could be laminated. Is that possible?
Laminate and veneer same thing really unless you are discussing cutting him into a veneer in which case I would recommend frozen vivisection – not as cruel but considerably less messy
Not quite. Veneer is the thin piece you stick on top. Laminate is the whole thing that purports to be what it isn’t [i.e. solid]. I think the latter is more appropriate.
Yes. Cutting into veneer sounds good. Forget about the freezing bit though. Who cares about the mess?
Careful, Grandad, remember what a wise man once said:
“before you criticize someone,you should walk a mile in their shoes..That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes!”
I wouldn’t trust his shoes, Nancy. He’d claim they were Berluti, but they would turn out to be cardboard!