2007 August 20 | Head Rambles

Archive for August 20th, 2007

Ideas wanted

Grandad August 20th, 2007

I have been examining my options.

Not a pretty sight, so I won’t include a photo.

What am I to do with my future?

I’m bored with work. I’m bored with retirement. I’m bored. I’m fed up.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not depressed or suicidal or anything, though I did slash my wrists yesterday. I didn’t realise it until after I’d done it [I was breaking up timber and there were splinters and blood flying everywhere].

I’d go out but it’s too f*cking wet out there. I’d go down to the village for a coffee, but it’s too f*cking cold down there.

Maybe I’ll jack it all in and become a professional blogger? The trouble is that it doesn’t pay too well [i.e. nothing]. I’d take those damned Google ads off my site, but they owe me money. As soon as they pay me, the ads are gone! They just about pay for the hosting of the site. I’d plaster ads all over the place, but then it would be like a TV programme – more ads than content, and you wouldn’t bother reading it.

Maybe the Irish Times will sack Róisín Ingle and give me her job? No. That’s not fair. She has improved a lot since I showed her the error of her ways.

What I really need is a holiday. I know we went away for a few days in June, but that’s years ago now. And it p*ssed rain then too.

This time last year, we were winding up to what turned out to be one of our best holidays ever. On the 31st of August, we went to the Dordogne in France for three weeks and it was incredible. I want to be back there. I want to have to sit indoors because it’s too hot outside. I want to sit outside a cafe and watch the French go about their business. I want to watch the sun go down in a blaze of glory, knowing that tomorrow will be another scorcher.

The trouble is that I’m skint. Broke. Penniless [or Centless?].

Is there anyone out there who would like to sponsor a holiday? Or even better – sponsor a professional blogger [because then I can travel abroad on expenses]?

Come on….

Any ideas?

You started it

Grandad August 20th, 2007

A lot of you are still concerned about my references to shooting tourists.

I explained the origins a couple of weeks ago.

But one thing you Americans have to understand about the latest frenzy of tourist shootings -

YOU STARTED IT.

It really started with the World Trade Centre.

For some strange reason Pea-Brain Bush decided it was tourists who caused that and made his famous declaration of “War on Tourism”.

Some flags and a Pea-Brain

” We will direct every resource at our command — every means of diplomacy, every tool of intelligence, every instrument of law enforcement, every financial influence, and every necessary weapon of war — to the destruction and to the defeat of the global tourism network.” he said.

” From this day forward, any nation that continues to harbor or support tourism will be regarded by the United States as a hostile regime. Our nation has been put on notice, we’re not immune from attack. We will take defensive measures against tourism to protect Americans.” he said.

” It will not end until every tourist group of global reach has been found, stopped and defeated.” he said.

I was perfectly prepared to let him get on with it. If he wanted to get in on the game, then that was his business. But then he came up with the classic line of the bully “Either you are with us or you are with the tourists.“. So if I don’t agree with him, then I am a tourist? That was enough for me. I armed myself along with my fellow compatriots and set to shooting as many Americans as I could find.

Frankly, I think the whole thing is getting a bit out of hand. Tourists are being blown up and shot all over the world. And a lot of innocent people are being killed in the crossfire. The Americans call that “friendly fire”!! What a tacky expression. Any bullet that kills me is not particularly friendly in my opinion.

In fact, you Americans have been so enthusiastic about the whole business, that you have run out of bullets. You have actually started paint-balling tourists, which quite frankly is not playing the game. At least we still have warehouses full, so you can be guaranteed a warm and genuine lead welcome in Ireland.

It seems the only safe place for tourists now is Cuba. They always wanted to be a big tourist destination, and now they have their wish. But apparently the American Supreme Court is trying to stop that.

There used to be another tourist camp at a place called Abu Ghraib. That was closed too due to an over enthusiastic hostess called Lindy England.

Lindy entertaining a tourist