Head Rambles

Grandad September 27th, 2007

I still feel a little guilty about the neighbours.

It was a shame that I burned their house down when removing that wasps’ nest, but they really should have removed it themselves.

They are rebuilding the place at the moment and it occurred to me that I might be able to help.

They’re not living there while the work is going on. There isn’t much to live in, but part of the house survived, so I nipped in last night. I have a key [I keep meaning to tell them that the previous owner gave me one] so there was no breaking and entering involved.

I found the plans.

They are spending a fortune! And most of it is wasted money. I realised that this was my chance to make amends. So I set to work. I used to work in a drawing office so I know about these things.

For a start, they had way too many roof trusses. So I removed half of them. And who the hell needs 30 amp wiring when 1 amp wiring is much cheaper? They had the place crawling with smoke detectors too. I know to my cost that they are only an irritation, because they keep beeping when the battery runs low. So I removed them all. They’ll thank me for that.

One thing I noticed was that they have a staircase leading upstairs. It is taking up an awful lot of room. I removed that. So now they have a much bigger area downstairs, and I even managed to squeeze in an extra bedroom upstairs where the staircase was.

Another thing was the incredible amount of piping in the house. They were using separate pipes for hot water, cold water, gas, central heating and sewage. It was a mess. So I simplified it and ran everything through the one pipe. That will save them thousands.

On my way out I had a look at work in progress.

They had nylon lines strung all over the place. I presume they are to mark where the walls are to go. They didn’t look quite right, to me, so I changed them until they looked a bit better. I have a very good eye for a straight line after a few whiskeys.

I hope they appreciate what I have done for them. It took me half the night. I have saved them a lot of money, and I might tell them when they get around to speaking to me again.

As my dad used to say - ‘There’s nothing so good that it can’t be improved‘.

• Around the house
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Grandad September 26th, 2007

I am thinking of becoming a professional blogger.

To do this, I need to scrap all my other work activities. Therefore I need an income.

So what I’m looking for is a sponsor.

No. I don’t want a sponsor for the site [that's too cheap]. What I want is a sponsor for me.

The problem is that a sponsor for the site could have a big advertisement on it, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to walk around with a big advertisement on me. So a little bit of deviousness is called for.

I have chosen my sponsor, though they don’t realise it yet. It won’t cost them any more than €50,000 a year [index linked, of course] so that isn’t a big deal.

I have written a few times in the past about Cully & Sully and their fish pies, and how I’m inundated with their ceramic bowls. It’s payback time.

You see, I now rank as number one in Google in Ireland if you search for them. As a result I get a lot of visitors to my site looking for them. I’m the first port of call, as it were.

So I am in a position where I can do them a lot of good.

I can tell everyone how I virtually live off their pies and how delicious they are. I have also discovered their soups, and there is nothing quite like the Minty Pea Soup. I can sing their praises until the cows come home.

Or

I can tell the world about my weekly dose of salmonella, and how I keep pleading with the grocery store to send me anything but Cully & Sully stuff.

It’s up to Cully and Sully.

Over to you, Lads……….

-oOo-

My blog is worth $66,051.18.
How much is your blog worth?

Hah!

• Cully & Sully
• Comments(17)

Grandad September 25th, 2007

I found my brain, and I’m sorry I did.

It had fallen down behind the log basket, if anyone is interested.

Herself came in earlier and switched on Liveline for me to listen to.

Twink was on. Yes. Her of the “zip up your micky” fame.

For the three of you on the planet who haven’t heard that one……

Twink is a has-been ‘entertainer’, who was once part of the Maxi, Dick and Twink trio back in the 60’s? 70’s? A long time ago anyway.

She is now relegated to pantomime and appearing on the panels of those ghastly ‘talent’ competitions.

There is a bit of a row going on at the moment, because during a televised competition [which, mercifully I didn't see] she gave very high marks to some kid on the show. It transpired that she knew the kid, or the kid’s mammy or something.

Joe Duffy had her on Liveline. Well, he didn’t actually have her, as I’d say he has better taste, but she was on the show, facing the wrath of an angry nation. By God, was she in form! She didn’t actually descend to expletives, but she was damn close. She went on about her professional ‘integral’ [her word, not mine] and how she was the ultimate person to judge talent because she was in the business so long [by my guess, a couple of centuries?].

She roared abuse at anyone who disagreed with her and was generally in fine form. I’d say it was the menopause, but she’s much too old for that. Maybe RTE will put up edited highlights? That would be fun.

Crap picture, but the camera doesn’t lie.

It was followed by a woman who was complaining that her little boy [9] had his leg tied to another boy’s leg for fifteen minutes as a punishment in school.

For f*ck’s sake!! What is going on in the world? In my day, we thought we were lucky if we were still alive at the end of the day.

And then she had the neck to bring Little Precious to the doctor to see if he was permanently damaged? If I were the doctor, I would have broken the kid’s leg just to show Mammy what a serious injury looked like.

I blame the parents.

Particularly Twink’s parents, for having her.

-oOo-

Update:

Shane Hegarty has just posted a link to the programme. [But I got the story out first!]

• Rants
• Comments(19)

Grandad September 25th, 2007

I’m having a headfluff day today.

It’s one of those days where my head has gone into neutral, and I can’t get it in gear at all.

I honestly haven’t a clue what I’m doing. It’s like my head has gone somewhere else. I’m beginning to panic a bit, to be honest. My fingers are working, so they are typing out this bit, but I haven’t a clue what they’re typing.

I look at something for a few minutes and wonder what it is. Then it dawns on me - a pot-plant! I went to make a mug of tea a few minutes ago, and couldn’t find my mug. I found it. It was full of freshly made tea. I had actually managed to brew a cup without my brain realising it.

I wouldn’t mind but I got a phone call yesterday. A client wants a web site, and he wants it urgently. I did one for him and it’s on hold while he gets some material together. But now he wants a second one and it’s suddenly more important than the first and he wants it now.

My fingers can prattle away writing stuff for a blog, but I doubt they’re up to web design, on their own. They need a brain, but they don’t have one.

So I won’t be writing on this blog until I can find my brain. It’s around somewhere. Sandy hasn’t eaten it anyway. I’ve checked all the drawers and the cupboards, but it’s not there. I tried the fridge and the breadbin, which is where most things end up here, for some reason.  No go. I’ve tried behind the cushions on the sofa.  Not there.

I’ve just had a horrible thought.

I wonder if I’ve been infected with whatever George W has?

• Rambles
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Grandad September 24th, 2007

I was browsing through my statistics last night.

Yes. I can be a nerd at times.

I found a visitor to this site who had come from the Net Visionary Awards site. So, purely out of curiosity, I followed the link back.

The short-list is posted for the awards. Top of the list is the Blog Category. There are six nominees and bugger me, but there I am!

I haven’t the faintest idea how I got there. Honestly. I didn’t enter myself, and I don’t know who did. You see, my competitors all seem to be business blogs, or blogs with a technical bent [and God knows, my bent isn't very technical!].

Here is the list:

• Dave Northey ~ Microsoft
• denise cox ~ Newsweaver.ie
• Grandad ~ Head Rambles
• Keith Bohanna ~ Keith Bohanna Consulting
• Krishna De ~ One Ocean Group
• Robert Burke ~ RobBurke.net

See what I mean? I stick out like a sore thumb! And I’m up against Microsoft!

So here is your chance to vote for the small man [I'm not small, but you know what I mean]. Here is a chance to vote for justice, truth, honesty, anarchy and the voice of the man in the street.

Here is a chance to vote against Bush Tourists Harney Pat Kenny other people.

So get your ass over to the Net Visionary Awards and cast your vote. NOW!

I’m not telling you who to vote for [*cough*], but pass the word on. Get everyone voting.

I think I’ll chuck in a couple of votes for Michele Neylon too. He’s there under Internet Entrepeneur and Online Trader [greedy bastard]. And of course, Damien Mulley has to get a tick, for the Technology Journalist award.

I haven’t decided about the others yet, though my mind could be decided in the usual Fianna Fáil method [used notes only, please].

I wonder why S.H.I.T. isn’t there for Web Designer Excellence?

• Internet
• Comments(34)

Grandad September 24th, 2007

It was a lovely day on Saturday.

I decided to wander down to the village for a coffee and to get some petrol for the mower.

It was beautiful outside the coffee shop. Sandy lay at my feet and went to sleep in the sun. I got chatting to a couple of local blokes who are dog lovers. There were another couple of Tourists at the other table. They were both men and were holding hands. I decided to leave them alone because it was a nice day, and I don’t want to be accused of homophobia.

Now one of the Tourists stood up and tripped over Sandy. She didn’t mind. But he then turned around and kicked her in the ribs. Sandy minded that. Quick as lightning, she jumped to her feed and took his leg off, clean below the knee. She has very powerful jaws.

Tourist fell to the ground [he hadn't much option] and my two pals started lacing into him as we hate cruelty to animals. Tourist’s Boyfriend started having hysterics, and he started throwing things at me.

He threw a plate. It missed. It bounced off the windscreen of an SUV that was driving past. The driver was a Yummy Mummy who was yacking on her mobile phone at the time so whatever concentration she had left was gone, and she drove into the back of a tourist bus, and exploded in a ball of flame. Well, I’m not sure if it was herself or the SUV that exploded, but it was quite spectacular.

People started running around throwing jugs of water and milk on the SUV. I had my ten litres of petrol that I’d bought for the lawnmower, and someone grabbed it and threw that on the conflagration. That didn’t help.

In the meantime, Tourist’s Boyfriend was really beginning to annoy me, screeching at me and throwing bread rolls at me, so I kicked him in the nuts. That shut him up. The other bloke was pumping blood on the ground and managed to mutter something about suing me. I couldn’t resist it. I told him he hadn’t a leg to stand on.

We went home then. There was no point in staying because the peace and tranquillity of the moment was gone.

I let Sandy keep the leg as a souvenir.

Bloody tourists.

• Around the village , Tourists
• Comments(24)