Head Rambles

Grandad September 28th, 2007

I went to see the doctor yesterday.

“Howya, Doc” says I.

“Howya, Grandad. Are ya well?” says he, which is a weird question from a doctor. Is he hoping that I am, or that I’m not?

“Grand.” says I “Just here for the 10,000 mile service.”

So he poked me and prodded me and we talked about this and that. He listened to various parts of me, but not what I was saying. I’m used to that.

Blood pressure – normal. Heart – normal. Lungs – normal [Yup! I can carry on puffing away]. Teeth – none. Hearing – brilliant [apart from the tinnitus]. All in all, he reckons I’m good for a few miles yet.

Then he put on a rubber glove and started talking about Prostates.

Jayzus! I was across the floor and standing splayed with my back to the wall before I knew it. I’m not having anyone poking around there. There are limits to my friendships. How can you greet a bloke in the village when he’s had his finger up your arse?

“Relax” says he. “I’m just going to take some blood.”

He did. About a gallon. It left me feeling quite drained, but I don’t mind.

He asked me then about the Tourist Shooting, and how it was going. It transpired that he wanted to join up. This was great news as this means that the only non member in the village now is the grave digger. He’s too busy to join.

“What about the Hippocratic Oath?” says I.

We pondered this for a few minutes, but we decided it only applied to patients. And by definition, a tourist isn’t a patient. So I signed him up.

We’re going hunting next week.

But I’m going to make damn sure he is some distance away from me when I go squatting in the undergrowth.

• Health
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Grandad September 27th, 2007

I still feel a little guilty about the neighbours.

It was a shame that I burned their house down when removing that wasps’ nest, but they really should have removed it themselves.

They are rebuilding the place at the moment and it occurred to me that I might be able to help.

They’re not living there while the work is going on. There isn’t much to live in, but part of the house survived, so I nipped in last night. I have a key [I keep meaning to tell them that the previous owner gave me one] so there was no breaking and entering involved.

I found the plans.

They are spending a fortune! And most of it is wasted money. I realised that this was my chance to make amends. So I set to work. I used to work in a drawing office so I know about these things.

For a start, they had way too many roof trusses. So I removed half of them. And who the hell needs 30 amp wiring when 1 amp wiring is much cheaper? They had the place crawling with smoke detectors too. I know to my cost that they are only an irritation, because they keep beeping when the battery runs low. So I removed them all. They’ll thank me for that.

One thing I noticed was that they have a staircase leading upstairs. It is taking up an awful lot of room. I removed that. So now they have a much bigger area downstairs, and I even managed to squeeze in an extra bedroom upstairs where the staircase was.

Another thing was the incredible amount of piping in the house. They were using separate pipes for hot water, cold water, gas, central heating and sewage. It was a mess. So I simplified it and ran everything through the one pipe. That will save them thousands.

On my way out I had a look at work in progress.

They had nylon lines strung all over the place. I presume they are to mark where the walls are to go. They didn’t look quite right, to me, so I changed them until they looked a bit better. I have a very good eye for a straight line after a few whiskeys.

I hope they appreciate what I have done for them. It took me half the night. I have saved them a lot of money, and I might tell them when they get around to speaking to me again.

As my dad used to say – ‘There’s nothing so good that it can’t be improved‘.

• Around the house
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Grandad September 26th, 2007

I am thinking of becoming a professional blogger.

To do this, I need to scrap all my other work activities. Therefore I need an income.

So what I’m looking for is a sponsor.

No. I don’t want a sponsor for the site [that's too cheap]. What I want is a sponsor for me.

The problem is that a sponsor for the site could have a big advertisement on it, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to walk around with a big advertisement on me. So a little bit of deviousness is called for.

I have chosen my sponsor, though they don’t realise it yet. It won’t cost them any more than €50,000 a year [index linked, of course] so that isn’t a big deal.

I have written a few times in the past about Cully & Sully and their fish pies, and how I’m inundated with their ceramic bowls. It’s payback time.

You see, I now rank as number one in Google in Ireland if you search for them. As a result I get a lot of visitors to my site looking for them. I’m the first port of call, as it were.

So I am in a position where I can do them a lot of good.

I can tell everyone how I virtually live off their pies and how delicious they are. I have also discovered their soups, and there is nothing quite like the Minty Pea Soup. I can sing their praises until the cows come home.

Or

I can tell the world about my weekly dose of salmonella, and how I keep pleading with the grocery store to send me anything but Cully & Sully stuff.

It’s up to Cully and Sully.

Over to you, Lads……….

-oOo-

My blog is worth $66,051.18.
How much is your blog worth?

Hah!

• Cully & Sully
• Comments(17)

Grandad September 25th, 2007

I found my brain, and I’m sorry I did.

It had fallen down behind the log basket, if anyone is interested.

Herself came in earlier and switched on Liveline for me to listen to.

Twink was on. Yes. Her of the “zip up your micky” fame.

For the three of you on the planet who haven’t heard that one……

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Twink is a has-been ‘entertainer’, who was once part of the Maxi, Dick and Twink trio back in the 60′s? 70′s? A long time ago anyway.

She is now relegated to pantomime and appearing on the panels of those ghastly ‘talent’ competitions.

There is a bit of a row going on at the moment, because during a televised competition [which, mercifully I didn't see] she gave very high marks to some kid on the show. It transpired that she knew the kid, or the kid’s mammy or something.

Joe Duffy had her on Liveline. Well, he didn’t actually have her, as I’d say he has better taste, but she was on the show, facing the wrath of an angry nation. By God, was she in form! She didn’t actually descend to expletives, but she was damn close. She went on about her professional ‘integral’ [her word, not mine] and how she was the ultimate person to judge talent because she was in the business so long [by my guess, a couple of centuries?].

She roared abuse at anyone who disagreed with her and was generally in fine form. I’d say it was the menopause, but she’s much too old for that. Maybe RTE will put up edited highlights? That would be fun.

Crap picture, but the camera doesn’t lie.

It was followed by a woman who was complaining that her little boy [9] had his leg tied to another boy’s leg for fifteen minutes as a punishment in school.

For f*ck’s sake!! What is going on in the world? In my day, we thought we were lucky if we were still alive at the end of the day.

And then she had the neck to bring Little Precious to the doctor to see if he was permanently damaged? If I were the doctor, I would have broken the kid’s leg just to show Mammy what a serious injury looked like.

I blame the parents.

Particularly Twink’s parents, for having her.

-oOo-

Update:

Shane Hegarty has just posted a link to the programme. [But I got the story out first!]

• Rants
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Grandad September 25th, 2007

I’m having a headfluff day today.

It’s one of those days where my head has gone into neutral, and I can’t get it in gear at all.

I honestly haven’t a clue what I’m doing. It’s like my head has gone somewhere else. I’m beginning to panic a bit, to be honest. My fingers are working, so they are typing out this bit, but I haven’t a clue what they’re typing.

I look at something for a few minutes and wonder what it is. Then it dawns on me – a pot-plant! I went to make a mug of tea a few minutes ago, and couldn’t find my mug. I found it. It was full of freshly made tea. I had actually managed to brew a cup without my brain realising it.

I wouldn’t mind but I got a phone call yesterday. A client wants a web site, and he wants it urgently. I did one for him and it’s on hold while he gets some material together. But now he wants a second one and it’s suddenly more important than the first and he wants it now.

My fingers can prattle away writing stuff for a blog, but I doubt they’re up to web design, on their own. They need a brain, but they don’t have one.

So I won’t be writing on this blog until I can find my brain. It’s around somewhere. Sandy hasn’t eaten it anyway. I’ve checked all the drawers and the cupboards, but it’s not there. I tried the fridge and the breadbin, which is where most things end up here, for some reason.  No go. I’ve tried behind the cushions on the sofa.  Not there.

I’ve just had a horrible thought.

I wonder if I’ve been infected with whatever George W has?

• Rambles
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