How Not to Look Like a Tourist
Grandad October 9th, 2007
Ireland is a nice country to visit.
The people are friendly and the Guinness is good.
I realise however, that I might have put some of you off with my tales of Tourist Shooting [one of our national sports]. So, just for you nice people who read my blatherings, I’m going to give some pointers on How Not to Look Like a Tourist. This could save your life, so read carefully.
Dress appropriately.
Irish people do not wear shorts, unless on the beach. Nor do they wear coats, unless it’s p*ssing out of the heavens. Loud colours are frowned upon, unless you are female or have female inclinations. The general rule is ‘dress scruffy’. A dab of cow-sh*t on the footwear is also good. Irish people never, ever wear Aran Sweaters. These were invented purely for ripping off Americans, and are a dead [sic] giveaway.
Travelling.
Never stop to read a road sign. All Irish people know that Irish road signs point in the wrong direction anyway, and ignore them. Anyone examining a road sign is a tourist, by definition.
Never ask for directions. You will more than likely end up over a cliff, or up in the bogs. If you are really lost, then be cunning. If you want to find the way to [say] Killarney, then stop someone and say “Jayzus, I need to be at a wedding in Killarney and I’m running late. What’s the quickest way?”
If you have non-Irish registration plates on your car – remove them. If you feel naked without them, then rob an Irish set off a parked car. You must also learn to drive like the Irish. Never indicate. Always hog the overtaking lane. Always drive too fast. Never take a bend on the correct side of the road. Always drive like you have just drunk a bottle of whiskey. Actually, to be on the safe side, it’s probably better to drink a bottle of whiskey before venturing anywhere.
Communicating.
This is a tricky one. An accent is a complete giveaway. Though with the current influx of immigrants, you are a bit safer. American accents are still not tolerated, so Americans should not speak at all. And if you must speak, keep your voices down. For some reason, tourists are always the noisiest table in the pub. Or anywhere else, for that matter.
If you come across a nice view, or something scenic, then, for God’s sake, just grunt. Loud exclamations of appreciation, or telling Harry to get the video camera are out.
That’s enough for now.
I’ll address the likes of Pub Etiquette at a later stage.
- Tourists
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‘Enough for now’ is right! My ribs hurt from laughing. Thanks GD!
I’m really hoping that Pub Etiquette is going to include sitting at a corner table, hunched over one’s whiskey/pint in an thoughtful manner while looking blank when any stranger passes posing a query…, unless, of course, it’s a young lady.
Steph – Any corrections are welcome. Have I got it about right?
Doc – You’ll just have to wait and see. Though it sounds like you’ve been in an pub in Ireland before? [This must not be confused with being in an 'Irish' pub, which is a different thing altogether]
You know me well! But you’re spot on with this one.
Up the Oirish!
Boiy Jayzus, sounds like a Vermontah t’would fit right in propah. (right down to the cow sh*t on the muck boots, I tell ya’).
Heck, even our fellow Americans believe were from some foreign country and most of us would prefer it that way.
“Boiy Jayzus, sounds like a Vermontah t’would fit right in propah.”
Talk like that, KirkM, and you are dead meat before your feet even touch the ground.
The more cow-sh*t on the shoes, means the more money under the Cap!
Hiya Grandad!
LOL if no American accent and therefore allowed to talk…throw in a yer man, good craic (when appropriate) it’s grand and perhaps even one of your Jaysus for good measure…
I think I’ll be giving the Italians a copy of this one too. Great stuff Grandad.
I’m just wondering if a Canadian accent is as unacceptable as an American one. Awesome information, can’t wait for pub etiquette.
Grannymar – Spot on.
Natalie – Vernacular is tricky. “Jayzus” is fine, but “By Jayzus” [or "Boiy Jayzus"] is a no no. “Yer man” is a good one. “Craic” isn’t used that much. Unlike “f*ck”, “f*cker” and “f*ckin’” which must be used all the time.
Red – Feel free. I’ll invoice you later.
I have been told that f*ck and all its alternatives is JUST swearing if not accompanied by the Irish brogue…. somehow it does not sound so bad from the mouth of an Irishman!
I wrote about this before [somewhere]. The use of the word ‘f*ck’ and all its derivatives is as natural to Irish speech as the inhaling of breath. We don’t all do it all the time. Some don’t do it at all. That’s the clever bit – knowing when to use it!!
You forgot the rule to not wear blindingly white runners/tackies/sneakers – they still shine through the cow shit.
And shiny new baseball caps.
And shiny new green
As far as pub etiquette goes, it’s ok to be loud IF you first buy a round – and then stick to the round. No slouching off drinking slow and making excuses. If you want to drink slow – buy another round.
Ow shoot, I’m in trouble!
I have an accent, you know. The worst kind of unidentifiable muddle of word-jerking. The bets are still out as to what accent it is, I’ve been offered many options from Dutch to American.
And I LIVE in Ireland.
Is my head going to end up on a wall now? I wouldn’t mind that much if it was your wall, that being a great honour and all but I guess The Ultimate Other Half might be a bit upset if he needs to start buying the clothes for Sir Sprout himself.
Bummer!
You forgot about pports jackets (with patches on the elbows), wellies and a cap of the like that farmers wear. For blending in they are almost a prerequisite. Unless in one of the city centres. Actually Waterford City would be an exception. They are the norm down there.
Of course that should be sports jackets (with patches on the elbows)
And shiny new green [insert item of clothing here]
Stephen – Sorry! Missed you in the crowd! Canadian accent = American accent as far as the Irish are concerned. Sorry!!
5h4mr0(k – Have you thought about getting a keyboard with the keys in the right place? You are right about any new clothes/runners etc. As soon as you leave the clothes shop, head for the nearest rubbish tip or skip and roll around a bit.
Wearing of green is only allowed while Irish matches are being played [*groan*].
Farmers caps [pronounced 'cyaaps'] are the only acceptable form of headwear [I have three].
Foreigner – If you are living in Ireland, why do your comments come from Finland? Trying to pull a fast one?
Hah, it’s me work. Server in Finland, ya see. Foreigner in Ireland.
Very confusing, I know.
oh yes, years ago, and many pubs in Ireland, though I wouldn’t of course know the difference between a ‘pub in Ireland’ and an “irish pub’…
Unless…is it similar to France where in certain pubs you can drink what you please and in other pubs to order anything other than a glass of red will get you lynched?
Dangerously funny, my friend!
Trying to be an American tourist in any country other than our own is much like a doofus trying to pick up a hot girl in a bar. You can try to fit in, try to look like you’ve got the confidence… but all in all the girls know what you’re up to and won’t give you an inch!
Grandad,
Tourists can get away with stuff if they do it with confidence.
Everyone will assume that they are Germans who have been here for years if they behave oddly, but look as though they know what they’re doing – like Dieter on Killinaskully. Or if not Germans, then Protestants, who can behave oddly and everyone assumes that’s what we do
Absolutely brilliant, I read it out loud and the whole family had a good chuckle.
So I guess me cork hat, blue singlet and Drizabone will stand out like a dead dingo’s donger? Struth . . I’ll have to hit the Stock ‘n Station store and by some new gear before I go walkabout!
I’ve never posted before, but I’ve just got a fancy new mobile so I’m trying it out here (the buttons on its five-year-old, webless, cameraless predecessor simply wore out). But my question is: does excessive fiddling with tiny technology risk making me look like a tourist??? For my safety I think I need to know! I live in Co Kildare but could stray “into range” occasionally… (This took about 15 minutes to write. Damned weirdly-placed Cancel button…)
Oh drat, you mean I can’t wear my Topman Trench coat that I purchased in Dublin?
I got a lot of pointers before my last trip over, but the accent is an unavoidable nuisance! I had several people asking me for directions, which was absolutely hilarious!!!
Thanks a million for the How Not to Look Like a Tourist 101. Can’t wait for the next subject, since much of life in Ireland revolve around Pubs, one definitely needs to know the proper Pub Etiquette around here (or around where you are) so as not to get shot for looking like a completely dumbass tourist —-> me.
Last year, during my first visit to Ireland, actually the very first day we went to a pub downtown Dublin. It was my round so off I go to the bar, order 3 pints of Guinnesses. The barman puts the pints on the counter and I look at them, it’s strange, he didn’t fill them up. Oh well, maybe that’s how they do it here. So I am about to pick them up, he slaps my hand says “no missus, not yet.” I was like, hum? Well, little did I know about the Guinness…….. We live and we learn, you see last year I didn’t read the posts of a grandad on pub etiquette or how not to look like a tourist. I wore my little Ireland baseball cap with the number 32 on it everywhere I went, I suppose the people I offended are numerous.
(I think I will just stay put at home, until you cover all subjects.)
Foreigner – You mean you have to fly over to Finland every time to send or receive an email? Wow! That’s expensive!
Doc – A pub in Ireland is a pub. An Irish pub is a place somewhere else pretending it’s in Ireland. Avoid them. They are full of bad Guinness, diddle-eye music and twee leprechauns.
Jas – It’s the same here.
Ian – Good point. Pretend to be a Protestant. You might get away with it?
Rose – I get performing-rights fees, you know?
Baino – All you have to do is pretend you were on holiday in Australia for a week. They’ll think you’re a prat, but it’s amazing how some prats can pick up an accent.
Andrew – Welcome!! I’m amazed!! You commented using a mobile phone? And I thought I was clever with my typewriter. Excessive fiddling with tiny technology is a compulsion with all young people these days, regardless of nationality. You’re safe.
Jefferson – You’re welcome anytime. Just don’t open your mouth.
Gaye – Oh dear! Cardinal Sin Number One. Please read the post on Pub Etiquette very carefully
Good observations.
To flip over to New York where my daughter spent plenty of time – she says the sure sign of a tourist there is an eejit with his mouth open constantly looking up at the height of the skyscrappers. Pick-pockets I’m told love them.
Will K8 be advising your pub guidelines?
She uses craic pretty regularly.
I like her.
She called me a “funny fucker.”
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John – If you want to stand and stare at buildings and things, wear a DayGlo jacket and a hard hat. That way they’ll think you are an architect or something.
Sixty – Why on earth would I need guidance from K8? I’ve been at it a lot longer than she has.
That’s good advice you gave to John. To complete the effect, scratching your butt finishes out the effect quite nicely.
Well let’s see know, I’ve walked through parts of England, Scotland, France, Italy, Norway, Belgium and I forget the others this early in the morning. So before I pass on I’ll have to make one more trip to Ireland. And I’ll do just like I’ve always done, present myself just as I am. Blue jeans, whatever suits the weather for the shirt, sneakers if it’s nice, work boots if it’s not, hands in my pockets, a contented look on my face and my mouth shut for the most part. That’s the way I’ve always been. It served me well enough. And may the good folk of Ireland accept me as I am.
Does being Methodist help?
KirkM – It looks like you have it perfected. Being a Methodist can be handy if cornered – just claim that you are not a tourist, but have weird ways about you. Say it’s a religious thing.
No, they just courier my emails in every morning via DHL. Works out a wee bit cheaper.
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Normally I couldnt give a f*ck what other people think but where I live you can be exactly who you are and nobody cares – in fact it’s encouraged. Plus, the only way you can spot a tourist here (what with our diverse range of immigration) is people posing and taking pictures with the umbrella man http://lh3.ggpht.com/_hs1Tx9giArc/SF5iw4GVU2I/AAAAAAAAC5A/A-PULBYYWJ8/100_3470.JPG…i rest my case.
Point is, I like being me, but I don’t want to be alone for a month, nor is the reason for my traveling anything to do with other tourists. Ireland just not for me?