Archive for October 14th, 2007

Computers are a curse

Grandad October 14th, 2007

It’s the same damned story every morning.

I switch on my laptop.

Me: Mornin’ Laptop. Ready for some work?

Laptop: Hold on. I’m still loading.

I wait a while.

Me: Are you ready yet?

Laptop: Fire away.

I try to load my mail thing.

Laptop: Hold on. I’m checking for updates for your anti-virus.

I play Solitaire for a while.

Me: OK now?

Laptop: Yup.

I check my mail. Nothing happens.

Me: What’s wrong now?

Laptop: There are some software updates for you. I’m downloading them.

Back to the Solitaire.

Laptop: OK. All downloaded and installed. You have to reboot now.

Me: F*ck off. I’m not going through all this again.

Laptop: Fair enough, but you have been warned.

I check my mail. Nothing there exept the usual penis enhancers and Fred wanting me to write to her for nude photos.

I fire up my browser. Nothing happens.

Me: What are you at now?

Laptop: Just scanning your disk for nasty stuff. Shouldn’t take more than an hour.

I’m bored with Solitaire, so I switch to Minesweeper.

Eventually, I get my browser running, and I do my little bit of surfing.

Laptop: You really ought to reboot, you know?

Me: I told you. No f*cking way!

Laptop: You’re playing with fire….

I ignore it and start on the wittiest post for my blog that I have thought up in ages. It takes a long time to write.

Laptop: Alert!!!! Virus found in F drive!

Me: F*ck off. I don’t have an F drive. You’re only doing this to wind me up.

Laptop: True.

I’m nearly finished.

Laptop: You forgot to switch on at the mains and your battery has run out. Byeeeee!!

*plop*

My typewriter never gave me this grief.