I died for Sharon
Grandad November 3rd, 2007
I mentioned my death recently.
Herself needed to tests done in hospital. So I brought her in. The tests were only supposed to take twenty minutes or so, so I wasn’t bothered.
However,the best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men, gang aft agley, and it transpired that the tests would take a bit longer.
I found myself a relatively quiet corner with a reasonably soft seat that didn’t cut the arse off me and took out the paper. I skipped the news and headed for the Sudoku. This was a mistake.
Sudoku has a strange effect on me. It makes me fall asleep. Instantly. It must be some form of self hypnosis. And I hadn’t been sleeping well for the previous few nights, so I was quite tired. Needless to say, I fell asleep immediately.
It was a very deep sleep and a lovely one. I had some beautiful dreams. I finally had Sharon Ní Bheoláin where I wanted her and she had me where she wanted me - flat on my back without a stitch on me. It was just getting to the really interesting bit [you can work that out for yourselves], when I was kicked by a horse. At least that is what it felt like.
I woke up to find myself on a table, surrounded by doctors and nurses. The doctors were all looking concerned while the nurses where all admiring the obvious upstanding result of my dream. One of the doctors had a couple of paddles pressed against my chest.
“We thought we’d lost you there” he said in glee.
“What the f*ck are you at?” I roared. “Sharon was just getting down to business!”
“You had a heart attack in the waiting room and we have resuscitated you” says he.
“My b*ll*x” says I, “I was just having a nice kip, and you try to electrocute me. It has taken me ages to get Sharon to that point, and you’ve f*cked it up”
He looked annoyed. He expected me to be grateful and here I was, rightly p*ssed. They gave me my clothes back. I went back to the waiting room, hung a large sign around my neck saying “I’m asleep - not dead” and tried to get back to Sharon, who was doubtlessly waiting for me.
But they had shot me full of adrenaline, and I couldn’t get back.
I’m sorry, Sharon. I did my best.
Another time?
Subscribe to audio
They were surprisingly efficient considering it is the HSE you are talking about.
Just wait until they send you the bill!
Robert - You don’t honestly think I rely on that shower of incompetent b*st*rds, do you? I have no wish to die just yet. It costs me, but I go private.
Apparently you were telekinectically transported to Manchester too?
http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1022652_dead_son_turns_up_alive
Sixty - I just hope the poor b*st*rd they cremated was dead!
Wishful dreaming me thinks!
Grannymar - Jealous?
Mmmm! I wondered what it was about Sudoku that makes it so addictive.
Now we know
Steph - I feel in need of a nap. I have just bought today’s Irish Times………..
Happy dreaming!
I prefer the crossword myself.
They were obviously keen to exercise their medical skills. Good job you woke up before they’d sawn you open, given you a heart transplant and chucked the old one in the bin.
Sharon must wait ! and don’t YOU forget it GD x
Nick - But then I’d have been good for another 60 years! Now if they had started rifling me for body parts….?
If that happens again and they start harvesting your body parts, can I have your liver?
I think mine has given up the ghost.
Ashley - Damnit! When I wrote this piece, I momentarily forgot my lusting hoards of female fans. I’m sorry. Sharon is first in the queue, but if she wants to step to one side for a moment???
Robert - After half a century of Guinness consumption, I doubt it would do you much good.
I don’t think that would matter. Could only be better that the one I currently have. I’m starting to look a bit yellowish after last night.