Archive for November 15th, 2007

Close Encounters

Grandad November 15th, 2007

I was reading through some blogs today, and I came across a post by Bad Ambassador about an encounter at Heathrow.

This brought back some memories.

Some years ago in 1994, I was over at Heathrow doing a wee job.  I won’t say what the job was because it was a wee bit illicit.

Anyway, I was staying at the Ibis Hotel on Bath Road in Heathrow.  And I was working in an office about half a mile along Bath Road.

heathrowwalk
My lonely walk

For those of you who don’t know Heathrow, Bath Road is one of the main roads out of London, and it runs parallel to the main runway.  So it’s a great road for plane spotting.  My hotel room overlooked the runway, and even though it was triple glazed, it was still quite noisy.  I didn’t mind as it was great fun watching the planes taking off and landing.  Another thing about Bath Road is that it is always solid with traffic.  It is a very busy road.

One evening, I left the office to walk back to the hotel.

The first thing that struck me was the complete silence.  No traffic.  No planes.  Bath Road was completely deserted.  and this was around half five on a weekday afternoon. And the airport seemed to be shut down. It was surreal.

One car sped past with blue lights flashing, but that was it.  Silence.

Then I saw a soldier in full combat gear, standing with his back to me.  He was armed and looked dangerous.  But I thought I’d ask him what the hell was going on.

I reached out and was just about to tap him on the shoulder when his radio squawked and he rushed off somewhere.

I walked back to the hotel.  I met no one.  I went up to my room. 

The phone rang.  It was Herself and she sounded like she was in a state.

"Are you all right?" says Herself.

"Why wouldn’t I be?" says I.

"Jayzus! Have you not seen the news?" says she.

Apparently the IRA had just launched a morter attack on Heathrow, and they launched it from the car park of the office I’d been working in.

I often wonder what would have happened if I had managed to tap that soldier on the shoulder and ask in an Irish accent ‘what the f*ck was going on’?

Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics

Grandad November 15th, 2007

I was browsing the Interweb during the week and came across a nice little [?] post on EireRules.

It’s a list of ‘facts’ about Ireland.

Now I would have a problem with one or two of them.

Take for example - 4. The average Irish adult spends 3,500 euro a year on alcohol.

For God’s sake! Have they not heard about the price of drink here?  That only amounts to a couple of pints a night.  I bet Bertie would spend that much at one sitting.  But then he can afford to.

Then there’s 7. The Irish eat 12 million cream eggs between New Years Day and Easter.

What?  Where the f*ck did that come from? That’s weird.

9. 90% of married Irish men would consider having an affair while on a foreign holiday without their spouse or children.

This is surely an understatement.  I would say nearer 100%.  Whether they do anything about it is a different matter. And who would consider having an affair on holiday with their children?  That’s disgusting.

10. The Irish buy 20 million cigarettes a day.

Hah!  Up yours Harney!!  And that doesn’t count pipe tobacco.

11. Experts believe that the average price of a 3-bedroom house in Dublin will rise to 250,000 by 2005.

Yiz wouldn’t get a dog kennel for that.  Though prices are now dropping below the million mark, I hear.

14. The average Irish married couple has sex one and a half times a week.

How do you have sex half a time?  Are they referring to solo jobs?

18. 63% of all Irish people think that corrupt politicians should be made bankrupt and then imprisoned.

Make that 99%. [The current government is the other 1%]

19. 73% of Americans are unable to locate Ireland on a map bereft of country names.

Just what I have been saying all along.  Americans are thick.  I know where they are though.  *heh*

20. Bra sales in Ireland increased by 4 million between 1998 and 1999.

Holy sh*t!  Or are they misinterpreting the budget quote about Irish tax figures that were expected to rise by 4 million?

22. Less than two percent of the Irish population have been bitten by poisonous snakes.

False.  100%  The tax people are poisonous snakes.

25. Ireland has one of the lowest rates of crime against tourists in the western world.

This is brilliant news.  It means the Irish Tourist Shooting Association’s propaganda campaign is working perfectly.

27. The average Irish family is made up of two parents and two point nine children.

.9 of a child?  What bit is missing?

36. In 1907, Bernard Murphy legally swapped his daughter for three cows and a sheep at a Donegal market.

Damnit! I hoped they wouldn’t find out about that!

38. Almost 100% of Irish Catholic children take a pledge to stay away from alcohol until they are eighteen. Only 2% of them actually stick to it.

Yeah.  Right!  At the age of ten or whatever.  I broke mine that night.

40. Dublin boasts one pub for every 120 head of population.

This was obviously before the smoking ban.  Now it’s one pub for every 120,000 of the population.

44. An album only needs to sell 5,000 copies to top the Irish music charts.

That explains why there are so many crap bands around.

45. A book only needs to sell 3,000 copies to top the Irish best seller’s list.

Ditto - Cecelia Ahern.

47. 89% percent of the population were in favour of permanently separating Northern Ireland from the Republic.

Just pass me the chain saw…..