P.M.S. I Love You
Grandad November 28th, 2007
Laptop: You think you’re fucking great.
Me: What?
Laptop: You and your fucking award. You think you’re the dog’s bollix.
Me: What are you on about?
Laptop: It’s only a cheap lump of metal. You’re swanning around like it’s a Nobel Prize. Ya big headded git. Fucking spider me arse!
Me: You’re just jealous because you didn’t get one.
Laptop: Jayzus! You wouldn’t have gotten it without me.
Me: How do you work that out?
Laptop: You honestly think you would win with that turgid crap that you type? No way, baby! The only reason you won is because I take your maudlin bullshit, spruce it up a bit and add a bit of humour. Don’t flatter yourself.
Me: Good. You can help me with the book then.
Laptop: Book? What book?
Me: The one I’m going to write.
Laptop: Oh fuck! Don’t make me laugh! You, write a book? So what is the title of this great work then?
Me: I was thinking of “PMS, I love you”.
Laptop: What the fuck……? What kind of book is this going to be?
Me: A sort of cross between Cecelia Ahern and Kerry Katona?
Laptop: Oh Christ!
Me: It’ll be great. everyone will want to read it.
Laptop: Yeah! And everyone will want barbed wire shoved up their hole!
Me: Do you have to be so coarse all the time?
Laptop: Me? Coarse? You’ll have to think a lot coarser than that if you want to write like Kerry Katona. And you are going to have to dumb things down a hell of a lot. If that’s possible.
Me: Are you saying I’m dumb?
Laptop: Listen, Kid. You are dumb. But compared to those two, you are fucking Einstein.
Me: So what are we going to do about it?
Laptop: You just fuck off to bed. I’ll have the first ten chapters ready when you get up tomorrow.
Me: Thanks.
Laptop: Don’t mention it, Old Sport.
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Brilliant! If that is the title, you are 100% certain to have a best seller on your … eh, hands (assuming your laptop does not sabotage your efforts).
It’s a catchy sort of title? Should appeal to the female readers?
I’m in the process of sabotaging my laptop, by the way
What sort of commission does your laptop expect?
A catchy title? No doubt! Appeal to female readers? Do you ever? BaBaBooey.
Robert - It’s what it doesn’t expect. [de-commission!]
Dave - DaBoomTish!
Fuck you, Grandad. I saw that!
Sounds like your laptop has developed a nasty crack habit… I’d watch that if I were you. Have you noticed any white powder accumulating around the A: drive?
There is a certain sexual tension evoked by the title. But the uncomfortable undertone is one of conflict, rather than desire.
perhaps. “P.S. Fuck Off” would be more to the point?
I’m sure Laptop would agree.
No, K8. Though one of the USB ports is getting a little corroded on the inside. Could that be it?
Neighbour - I’m sure Laptop would. But I can’t see them announcing that title at the Booker Prize though?
All joking aside, when are you thinking of releasing your book ?
Why oh why do I have an american flag next to my name in the comments, why can’t I have a nice shiny and patriotic irish flag like everyone else !?!
Paul - Provisionally, Spring 2009, but it could be next year. Who knows?
And you get that flag for having a blog about a foreign football crowd [and for working for an American corporation!].
Ha ha! They are all on the wrong track.
I know what it stands for:
Pretty Miserable Son-of –a-bitch I love you!
And it is all about Bertie!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Where did you get your laptop? I’m thinking I should trade mine in, now that I understand how things work…
Grannymar - If you think I am going to spend a chunk of my life writing about that little dog-turd, you have another think coming.
Cathy - This one? I bought it off a bloke in a pub. Nice chap, though the horns were a bit disconcerting.
If you’re thinking of trading it in, will you sell it to me? Mine isn’t nearly as entertaining…
Sorry, Caro - Herself has her eye on it. They are very well matched.
Hearing the title being read out at the Booker prize would be the very reason to call it that.
The guys from Southpark were pissed off not to have won the Oscar for best song (”Blame Canada” (i.e. that’s the name of the song. It’s not Canada’s fault they didn’t win))
For their next movie, “Team America”, they wanted to get revenge on The Academy and so they hoped that the song from that would be nominated. It was called “America Fuck Yeah”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Swcjg4WmoXk
It wasn’t nominated
I think my publisher [*blush*] would be a bit miffed if I titled the book purely to p*ss people off at ceremonies, and in bookshops.
Are you turning into Twenty now that you have a book deal too, very similar vibe today - still funny of course.
Flirty - Please don’t equate me with him. I don’t use the ‘c’ word. On second thoughts, maybe he infected my laptop?
Yay with the title!
So what’s the P.M.S stand for again?
Please Me Sexually?
Pass Me Stout?
Prepare My Sandwich?
SID - That’s the great thing about acronyms. They can mean whatever you want them to mean.
My laptop keeps fucking swearing.
Shite!!!!
See?
OFTR - No. That was you. Admit it. Tourette’s Syndrome?
What’s in a name? A very catchy title that’s what! If I did not know the author of a book and saw that title it would definitely spark my interest - although your name is widely known judging by all the little flags…have fun!