2007 December | Head Rambles

Archive for December, 2007

Talk Talk are a shower of tossers tossers

Grandad December 28th, 2007

It was nice and warm in the house yesterday.

I was sitting in my favourite armchair which is very comfortable. I had had a rough night and so I was feeling a little sleepy. All was quiet in the house, so I got myself into a nice cosy position and shut my eyes.

I had just dozed off when the phone rang.

“Hello” said a horribly cheerful voice. “Is that Grandad?”

I admitted that it was.

“I’m ringing from Cork”

“That’s nice” says I. I didn’t know they had phones in Cork. Maybe he was the first person to get one and he was trying it out.

“I’m sure you’ll be very interested in a special offer from ‘Talk Talk’, where you can save lots of money on your phone calls.”

I had been a sleeping Grandad. In approximately one picosecond I became an hormonal Gordon Ramsey on steroids.

“Did you f*cking wake me with one of your f*cking special offers?” I roared.

There was a long pause.

“It’s a very special offer” he said, slightly more timidly.

“I don’t f*cking care if it the offer of a f*cking lifetime. I hate cold calls” I shouted.

Another long pause.

“Would you like me to tell you what the offer is?” he said hopefully.

“I would like to tell you to stick your f*cking offer up your f*cking *rse” I said.

“You would save a lot of money?”

I had to hand it to the little b*ll*x – he had staying power.

“Listen” I said. “You have cold called me. You woke me up. You have cr*p ads on television. You have a stupid company name. I don’t want to hear your f*cking special offers. Now rev up and F*CK OFF.”

“You are not interested then?”

“Listen, you little sh*t. Stick your f*cking offer where the sun don’t shine. I don’t even have a phone.”

That last bit stumped him. I don’t think he’d heard that line of argument before. He hung up.

I have set my computer to auto dial.

It is going to phone the Director of Talk Talk every fifteen minutes starting at three in the morning. It won’t hang up. It will offer him a special offer of a lifetimes supply of pig manure.

What my friends think of me

Grandad December 27th, 2007

I was given a nasty little tag by Brianf yesterday.

I am supposed to e-mail my friends and they are to write back and tell me what they think of me.

That could be very dangerous, even supposing they bothered to write back.

I decided to try it though. So I wrote out a quick mail ..

Dear [fill in as appropriate]

I have been asked to ask you what you think of me.

Please be honest.

Yours faithfully

Grandad

The replies I got back

-oOo-

Dear Grandad,

A fine upstanding specimen of your species. One of my better efforts.

Eternally yours

God

-oOo-

Dear Grandad,

I don’t know how yourself and Osama do it, but we’ll find you yet.

George W Bush
President of the Free World

-oOo-

Dear Grandad

Fuck you.

Mary Harney

-oOo-

Dear Grandad,

Are you one of dem peeple who gave me a dig out? If yiz are, de check is in de post. Say nuttin at de tribyounal.

Your friend [and don't deny it]

Bertie Ahern

-oOo-

Dear Grandad

You’re a cunt

Twenty Major

-oOo-

Dear Grandad

You were fantastic. I have never seen such a big one.

Glenda Gilson
XXXXX

-oOo-

So there you have it. Some people didn’t reply, like Idi Amin and Sharon Ní Bheoláin, but they are probably busy.

I won’t be so nasty as to pass it on. I’m nice like that.

Normality?

Grandad December 26th, 2007

So the fuss is over and things begin to return to normality.

I’m not quite sure why I’m blogging today because no one is going to be on the Interweb anyway. Today is the day that Irishmen traditionally go and stand on concrete terraces and watch something sporty, like horse racing or rugby. I don’t know why they do this because it is bloody cold out and there is a cutting wind. It must be a religious thing that nobody has told me about.

I see out Sandy has cracked my password again. *sigh* It always baffles me that she can’t type properly yet always manages to type in my password. Anyway – sorry about that.

I also see I have been tagged yet again by Brianf. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits, Brianf. It’s a strange tag so I will have to give it some thought. If I’m really stuck, I might even do it.

It was a very nice Christmas. There was very little blood spilled. Herself and I are still together. The house is still standing.

The only strange thing to happen was that one of TAT’s biker friends turned up for the day. I don’t know where he came from, but in the middle of the day, I realised there was someone extra in the room. He was hard to miss actually, because his mobile phone never stopped ringing.

Normally when TAT’a phone or his friends phones start ringing, it’s a probation officer checking up on them, or a solicitor wanting to know why the f*ck they aren’t in court. But the friend’s phone never shut up. Apparently a friend of his had put an advertisement in the Buy and Sell magazine saying he had a plasma wide screen television he wanted to give away for nothing.

Now, why anyone would want to give away a plasma wide screen television, I don’t know, and it was obviously a hoax. But there were dozens of people out there who fell for it.

He got his revenge though.

He put an ad in the same paper – "Gay man wanted, to share flat with two others. Must be broad minded, and ready for fun. €100 per month" and gave his friend’s mobile number.