Head Rambles

Grandad February 9th, 2008

Dear Bertie Ahern,

I have been following with interest your speeches, which I have read and watched on Damien Mulley’s site.

I’m not sure what the hell those speeches are about because you are rambling around like a whippet on the trail of a rat.

I gather it’s something to do with broadband, foreign companies and the standard of our education?  Quite frankly, your speech and grammar are so bad that I haven’t a clue what the hell you are on about.  Whatever great educational system we have in this country, it is patently obvious that you never availed of it.

As a gesture of good will, I would like to give you a little lesson.

Ireland is a country that consists of 26 counties.  I won’t list them all, because I know that would confuse you.  Northern Ireland [that you talk about so much] has 6 counties.

You are supposed to be the leader of the 26 counties bit.  That is called The Republic.  Got that?  Good.

Now one of the 26 counties [Republic?  Remember?] is Cavan.  Yes.  It is in the Republic.  It is not one of the other 6.

I know this is terribly confusing, but when you’ll find you’ll get the hang of it when you get up to Primary Certificate level.

Now I am going to show you a special picture that’s called a map.  It is a picture of Ireland and it shows you the places that you are supposed to be running.  They are all coloured.  The white bit at the top is Northern Ireland, and you can ignore that for now [like the rest of us do].

Now.  Do you see that bit towards the top that has a red line around it?  Good.  That is CAVAN.  It even says the word inside the red line.  And you can see that it’s not white, so it must be in the Republic of Ireland.  Yes - the country is bigger than you thought.  You must be happy.

This must be very hard on you because of your extremely limited intelligence, but I don’t really want you making a fool of yourself again in front of everyone.

I hope this has been of some help.

Yours,

Grandad

P.S.  Next week we’ll start on grammar.

G

• Politics
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Grandad February 9th, 2008

The things I do for my readers!

I have just taken the site asunder.  Once again, the place was in a mess.  I cut my arm on a nasty protruding piece of javascript and I’m bleeding all over the place.

But I think I have found the problem.

Apparently, every time someone tried to load a page or write a comment, my site went ballistic and had to go running off to its database over four thousand times.  This was strange.  Suppose I asked you a question and you had to read four thousand pages of a dictionary before you could reply?  It’s no wonder it was slow.

So I disabled everything and I found the little bugger that was causing the problem.

I had a wee plugin running called Community Cloud.  It showed up on a page I called “Friends?”.  I have discovered that if I remove that, then the site only goes running to the database about forty times.  So everything is faster.  A hundred times faster?

Community Cloud has been removed.  It is no more.  I put it on a bonfire in the garden, and it exploded with a bang.

I’m not saying that Community Cloud is a bad plugin.

It’s just that I probably have too many friends.

• Web design
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Grandad February 9th, 2008

For a while now, this site has been VERY slow to do what it is supposed to do.

I’m not quite sure what it is supposed to do, but it has been very slow at it anyway.

You have all been remarkably polite about it, and I have only had a couple of vociferous complaints, but it was annoying me so I’m going to try to do something about it.

I waited until Saturday, because I know none of you will be visiting today anyway.

If you do accidentally visit, you may find the site doing strange things, or maybe there’ll be bits missing.  I don’t know what you’ll find, because I don’t know yet what I’ll be taking asunder.

I will also be posting lots of comments to myself.  That’s not narcissism.  That’s called testing.

See you later….

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