Archive for February, 2008

Fred

February 22nd, 2008

I had to go out yesterday, but that’s another story.

As I drove up my lane on the way home, I met an old man.  I slowed the car as he seemed confused.  He eventually stepped to one side and I drove in my gate.

I went over to him then and asked if he was all right.  He had a frightened look in his eyes.  He looked at me and whispered so I could barely hear.

"I’ve lost my dog."

"What colour is he?" I asked.

He didn’t seem too sure.  He looked about him as if expecting a prompt from the wind.

"Black," he murmured.  He then shuffled off down the lane with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

-oOo-

Much later, I called in to visit a neighbour.  We had a grand old chat about this and that.  I got up to go. As I was heading for the door, my neighbour mentioned that they had a strange dog in the back garden.  My neighbour is scared of dogs, so I went out on my own into the dark.

There was a tiny terrier standing on the patio.  He wasn’t looking at me.  He wasn’t looking at anything.  He was very old and obviously blind.  I think he may have been deaf too.  I crept softly up to the dog and put my hand under his nose, to let him get my scent.  He trembled a bit and then relaxed, so I gave him a gentle petting.

I rushed back out to the main road and called into the house where the old man lived.  I banged on the door.  The old lady of the house answered and looked at me suspiciously, until she saw who it was.  She looked tired, drawn and worried.

"You lost a dog?" I asked.  There was a gleam of hope in her eyes as she nodded.

"Is he blind?" I asked gently.  She nodded again, and a tear began to form.

"Wait there," I said, and rushed back to my neighbours.  The dog relaxed when I picked him up.  He knew my scent now, but was still a bit scared.  I carried him as gently as I could back to the old woman.  Her husband had joined her at the front door.  They looked very alone, standing there waiting.

As I walked into the pool of light from the porch, they saw the dog.  The fear and hope gave way to joy.  The old man held out his arms, and I gave him the dog to cuddle.  "Fred," was all he said.  He was crying.

The woman too was crying.  She said they had spent the day looking for Fred.  She had washed him the day before and had forgotten to put his collar back on.  And then that morning, in a moment of absence, her husband had left the gate open.  They had been frantic with worry.  They had searched high and low and had walked the entire neighbourhood.  Fred was their comfort and joy.  They feared he was dead as he couldn’t protect himself from cars, being blind.  They had been heartbroken.

They thanked me as I left.  "You don’t know what this means to us," the woman said.  "I think I do," I replied and left them to their reunion.

As I walked home in the dark, the thought struck me…….

Fuck!  That’ll be us in a few years time!

Grandad and Granny rule

February 21st, 2008

Herself was muttering about blogs and Google last night.

I don’t know quite what she was muttering about because I usually don’t listen.

To while away the time while she rambled on, I did a search for "Granny" in Google.  Bugger me, but she came out #1 in Ireland!!!  Grannylosttheplot is at the top of the list.

This worried me, so I did a search for "Grandad".  With an enormous sense of relief, I found that I am #1 too! 

So, in Ireland at least, Granny and Grandad rule.  Stick that in your SEO cookbooks and smoke it.

granny_grandad

She was still waffling, so I went further afield.

"Granny" in Google worldwide?  She comes in at #4.  Not bad, I thought.  So the competition is hotting up, I thought.

"Grandad" in Google worldwide?  Hah!! #4 again.  So at least we are equal there too.  We are an equal opportunities couple.

The only thing that bugs me now is that I am topped by "Grandad" from "Only Fools and Horses".  That bugs me because the fecker is fictional and dead.  He should be delisted.  Where is my Wikipedia entry?  I am real and alive.

My one consolation is that Granny is topped by a porno site.

She’ll never beat that.

America declares war on Ireland

February 20th, 2008

Earlier today, I initiated a bit of anti-spam policy.

I nuked Chicago.

As usual, the Americans overreacted and declared war.

And, as usual, they missed.

My apologies [on behalf of the American people] to the people of Bristol.

fire

Ground Zero Chicago

February 20th, 2008

This is a message to the people of Chicago.

I am very sorry, but you have to go.

I know Chicago quite well, because many years ago I used to play around with Flight Simulator.  I used to take off from Meigs Field and buzz around your fine city before crashing somewhere.  I’m sure you saw me, many times.  But now you have closed that fine air-strip.  Bastards.

But that isn’t the reason you have to go.

I hate spam.  In the normal course of events, I ignore it and let it quietly burn in my various spam traps  and spam filters.

Lately however, I have been inundated with crap from someone who calls themselves Sweetpea.  My blog is inundated.  My e-mail accounts are inundated.  And frankly I’m pissed off.

sweetpea

Sweetpea is trying to pretend they are Canadian, but they’re not.  I have the address of the Chicago Gangsters who are hosting their mail account -

FastServers,  Inc.
175 W. Jackson Blvd
Suite 1770
Chicago
IL
60604
US

So this is the address I have programmed into the ICBM [with 2 Megaton warhead, DVD rewriter, 180Gb HDD with Windows Vista] that I bought on eBay last week.  I shall be launching it shortly.

I know the place well.  I have crashed into it many times.  I shall miss it, and I shall miss Meigs Field.

 chicago

We had some good times together.

Slainte

February 19th, 2008

So John Gormley Gormless, our dear Minister for the Environment and Limp Lettuce Leaf has spoken yet again.

Forget Al Gore.  Forget the Kyoto Protocol.  Gormless is single handedly saving the world from Global Warming all by himself.

He is taxing high emission vehicles.  He is banning patio heaters.  He is banning incandescent bulbs.

He is now asking us to stop drinking bottled water.

You see, bottled water comes in plastic bottles, and they are causing havoc.  We use too many of them.  We must drink tap water instead because it is just as good.

Let’s wind the clock back to last summer, John.  Do you remember Galway?  Do you remember how Galway city and half of East Galway County had infected water that was undrinkable for months?  You must have forgotten about that.

But do you remember back to more recent times, John?  In fact it was only three weeks ago that you were worried about a report that said that 36% [yes - over a third] of our water supplies were hazardous with cryptosporidium or E.coli.

However, I suppose poisoning a third of the population is a small price to pay so that Gormless can feel he is pushing the green agenda.

So I ask you all to raise a glass to John.

dirty-water

Sláinte.
[which, in case you have forgotten, John, translates as 'Health']

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