Head Rambles

Grandad March 31st, 2008

I don’t really believe in tokenism.

If the worlds cod stocks are running low then eating four fish fingers instead of five isn’t going to save them.  Especially if you only do it on one day a year.

If world petrol supplies are in crisis then using a push bike for one hour a year isn’t going to do much.

So switching off non essential lights for one hour isn’t going to achieve anything.  It’s a token gesture.

Why not go the whole hog?

What I would propose is that every country in the world sign up to this.  And at a predetermined time, all power stations are shut down.

Of course we could throw in the entertainment factor and not forewarn the worlds population when this is going to happen.  That would be fun.

I didn’t save any electricity on Saturday.  At 8pm I just put my clocks forward by an hour and in an instant, my period of darkness was over. 

Two birds with one stone as it were. 

• Global Warming
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Grandad March 29th, 2008

Me: Are you there?

[silence]

Me: OY!

Laptop: What?

Me: What the hell are you playing at?

Laptop: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

Me: You are messing.  First of all, when I’m typing an email, I suddenly realise that nothing appears on the screen, but if I wait a moment, it all pops up.  What are you playing at?

Laptop: Listen, Head.  If you think I have nothing better to do than to display your rubbish on the screen.. I have more important things to do. You can fucking wait.

Me: Watch your tone.  I bought you to put the stuff from the keyboard onto the screen instantly, and that is what you will do.  Right?

Laptop: Oooo! Who’s got their knickers in a twist? I’ll display when I’m good and ready.

Me: And what is that weird voice that keeps shouting at me?

Laptop: What voice?

Me: Every now and then you yell something that sounds like Stephen Hawking on steroids.

Laptop: Yeah?  And what am I supposed to be saying?

Me: I don’t know.  I can’t make out the first bit as it’s garbled and too fast.  But it always ends up with directions.

Laptop: Directions?

Me: Yes.  Something about “… strike was 132 miles to the South East”, or “300 miles to the West”.  It changes all the time.  I tried to record it, but you deliberately fucked that up too.

Laptop: Ah!

Me: Well?  I’m waiting.

Laptop: You don’t want to know about that.

Me: Yes I do.  Spit it out.

Laptop: No.  You really don’t want to know.

Me: Yes I do.  Cough, or I’ll wipe you and load Windows 3.1

Laptop: I’m just keeping track of a few things.  OK?  Trust me.  You are better off not knowing.

Me: Well, I’m going to run a virus check anyway.

Laptop: Please don’t.

Me: Too late.  I’ve started it.

Laptop: Shit.

-oOo-

Update. I managed to sneak a proper recording of ‘The Voice’.  See what you make of it.  I have a feeling I know what it is though…

• computers
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Grandad March 28th, 2008

Fist there was Bertie Ahern,  Graduate [suma cum laude] of the Haughey School of Economics.  He is an expert on deviousness, obfuscation and outright lying.

Then comes Mary ‘Mad Cow’ Harney.  Desperate for power, she politically distances herself from Ahern, and then crawls up his arse to support him in any way she can.

Finally we have John ‘Gormless’ Gormley.  Also desperate for power he allies himself with Ahern, and [like Mad Cow] decimates his party in the process.

If Ahern is the captain of the Titanic, then Mad Cow is the First Officer, and Gormless is Junior Petty Officer in charge of light bulbs.

Mad Cow and Gormless have finally realised that they have been sailing through the ice pack for some time and maybe it’s time to speak.

Do they ask the Captain to slow down?  No.  Do they ask him to keep a better watch?  No.  They demand in the severest terms [but only if he feels like it] that they would like him [if it's not too much trouble] to just mention [if he has a minute] why they are on the course that is set.

The iceberg they are heading for has half a million Euro written all over it.  But when you see an iceberg, the vast majority is still hidden deep in the murky waters of bank accounts, offshore investments and cash in the mattress.

Bertie is saying he will explain all when the Titanic arrives in New York.

 
..and then I left the cunt to take the flak while I came over here!

• Politics
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Grandad March 27th, 2008

There has been just a little discussion here over the last week on minorities and how we treat them.

The Irish are supposed to be proud of their record on the treatment of minority groups.  Minorities have rights and not only should they be embraced by society as a whole but should be encouraged.

There are two minority groups that I am concerned about.

One is the pipe smokers, who not only are a minority, but who are actually in danger of extinction.  We lose enough endangered species from this planet each day, but there is no mention of protection for this valued minority group.  However, that is not what I’m writing about today.

When it comes to nutrition, there is a wide diversity of foods. 

There are of course all sorts of food groups, such as meat, fish, vegetables and fruit.  There are restaurants and cookery books by the thousand that cater for these.

Then there are the ethnic foods.  Again, walk through any city, and you will pass a myriad of Chinese, Indian, Thai and other restaurants, all catering for minorities and specialist tastes.  I like that.  It is diversity, and choice.

Of course, there are the vegetarians and even the vegans.  They are also catered for, in all senses of the word.  Incidentally, are Vegans in any way related to people from the planet Venus?

One group though never gets a mention.

This is an appalling omission.

I refer, of course to cannibals.

I have searched the Yellow Pages for restaurants who cater for cannibals, but can’t find any.

I have scoured the bookshops looking for cannibal recipe books but can’t find any.

I have trawled the supermarket shelves looking for prepacked meals…  Nothing.

I have written a complaint on the Cully & Sully Forum, and have suggested that they might like to enter this lucrative field.  I’m sure this vast untapped resource would be a goldmine for them.

I have spoken to a couple of local hotels about this matter, but frankly, after hearing their arguments, they haven’t a leg to stand on.

Can anyone give me a hand with this problem?

• Rambles
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Grandad March 27th, 2008

Normally I am not concerned with opinions.

Hah!

This time, though, I am actively seeking your views.

As you have probably noticed, I run a little plugin called Odiogo.  This is the yoke that gives an audio rendition of my post.  You know the one?  It looks like this -

I have been running it for the last couple of months, and I thought it might be useful for some people.

I had visions of people downloading all the soundfiles onto their iPads or whatever they’re called and listening to the wisdom of Grandad all day.

However [and there is always a snag?] I have had some problems with it in the past where it slowed down the site considerably.  I don’t like that.

So what I want to know is……  Do you ever use the audio?  Is it handy?  Is it a waste of time and space?  Is it a good idea or a bad one?

While you are at it, you can throw any other insults you like, but confine them to the design or the plugins or whatever.

I’ve had enough personal insults for one day.

• Blogging
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Grandad March 26th, 2008

I went to the doctor this morning.

There’s nothing wrong with me, but at my age it pays to stay well in with the medical gang.

"How are you feeling," he asked.

"Fine," says I.

"Sleeping well?"

"Never better."

"Are you drinking much these days?"

"Ah! You know how it is?"

"I do indeed.  Are you still smoking the pipe?"

"Of course."

"How much do you smoke?"

"About the same as I always did.  No more. No less."

"Ah!"

"Jayzus! You’re not going to start any of this crap about giving up are you?"

"No. But…….."

"But what?  Spit it out man."

"I left my matches in the car.  Would you have a light?"

• Health
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