Criminal records
Grandad April 9th, 2008
I had a call from the Gardaí last night.
They arrived at the house in a squad car with all their sirens howling and their lights flashing, and then battered on the door.
I invited them in.
There were two of them. I gave them tea, because they said they were on duty.
“Are you here about the house being burned down next door?” I asked.
“No. It’s not that.”
“Is it the four tourists I shot the other night?”
“It’s much more serious than that.”
“Is it the bonfire I lit to get rid of all the rubbish in the house?”
“No.”
“If it’s about my offshore accounts and my dodgy financial dealings, then I don’t remember anything about them.”
“Not those.”
“You’re annoying me now. Is it the half acre of herbal tobacco out the back?”
“No.”
“Well, what the fuck is it then?”
“I must caution you that you have, on your property a thistle growing. Under the Noxious Weeds Act 1936, you are obliged to destroy that said thistle immediately or you will be issued with a summons.”
“Shit! Sorry. I’ll do it tomorrow. Anything else?”
“How much do you charge for your illegally distilled whiskey? I want two bottles please.”
- Around the garden
- Comments(18)
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uuuuuurrrrggghhh don’t mention alcohol….
Thrifty – You haven’t tried mine?
Just out of curiosity – could you brew something from thistle?
Since you have to get rid of it anyway. Could as well put to a good use.
Foreigner – Wine? As far as I know you can make wine out of just about anything. Nettles? Parsnip? Sump-oil?
I’m still alive aren’t I? Might be a bit blind though.
I’ll take four bottles, please.
The Russians used to (and possibly still do) make vodka from petroleum byproducts. If you can do that, you can do anything.
and the really trivial fact is that the noxious weed act actually does exist!
Apparently you can use milk thistle to treat or prevent liver damage caused by drugs or toxic chemicals. Handy! My mother in law reckons it also cures warts.
Potcheen – Not only will it dissolve your liver, it’ll also transform you vehicle into a jet car!
Save a few bottles for me too!
Chateau de Head Rambles [red diesel] is now available in 10 liter bottles. Please enclose S.A.E.
Grandad, you’ve been tagged!
You better have more than ten liters of Chateau do Head Rambles made up when I come over. 
Aw! Flamin’ Nora! I hate tags…..
Thursday. I guess they came back for you Grandad ?
TT – Too much to do and too little time to do it…
Grandad, you’ve already come up with the perfect name for your thistle brew – ‘Flamin’ Nora’.
Reminds me of my hometown. We had a bigger turn out when the local police used to burn all of the electric-spinach crops they’d confiscated from the market gardeners than for the Christmas pageant. They ended up having to throw old tyres on the bonfire so that folk’d stop standing downwind for a free high. *sigh*, those were the days….
That’s true! I saw a poster about the prohibition of some dodgy thistle weed in the Garda station recently and wondered what it was all about. There’s something they’re not telling us, isn’t there?
There is quite a list of ‘noxious weeds’ that have to be controlled. Electric spinach isn’t on the list, so we are OK.
I remember once seeing a newspaper photo of the Gardai burning a crop they’d found in Wexford. They were all standing downwind and looking very happy!