Telling a woman to get lost
Grandad July 30th, 2008
I have been having some problems with my SatNav.
I always bring it in the car, because I have a nice selection of music on it, and it is also very handy as a hands-free system for my phone.
Because I always knew where I am going, I always programmed in Belfast as my destination. It confused the hell out of the woman in the SatNav but she sounds very sexy when she panics.
The real trouble started whenever I was stuck at traffic lights. The bitch would shout out at the car next to me and ask for directions. Why do women always have to ask for directions? It was embarrassing because I knew where I was going but she just made me look foolish. I had to keep the windows closed at all times, which annoyed Sandy, as she likes to stick her head out sometimes and get a bit of wind in her ears.
Then the woman went into a sulk. When I switched on the SatNav, she would mutter about acquiring satellites and would ask me for my destination. I would type in ‘Belfast’ and that was it. I wouldn’t hear another peep out of her. I was back to driving in silence, apart from the Rolling Stones. This worried me a bit, as I was going to be relying on her in the near future, and was on the point of returning the unit as being faulty.
Then I had my idea.
I fired her.
I installed a bloke to give directions instead.
This was an outstanding success.
He never shouts at passing cars. He never panics. When I program in ‘Belfast’ and head south, he tries to make me turn around but very quickly acknowledges that I’m a man too, and therefore I must know what I’m doing.
I started programming in my actual destination, just to see what would happen. He is damned good. He has showed me some rather neat shortcuts. I did run into a bit of trouble the other day, when a farmer stopped me in the middle of his yard and demanded to know what I was doing there. I explained to him that the bloke was giving me directions and he was very happy about it. He told me that if it had been the woman, I would have received both barrels of the shotgun. He must have the same make of SatNav himself.
Roger and I get on very well now. I call him Roger because he sounds like a Roger. He isn’t very sexy, but he always gets me there.
I don’t know why they put a woman in a SatNav.
Everyone knows that women are fucking hopeless at navigation.
- On the road
- Comments(47)
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My wife navigates when we travel. She typically does a very decent job, but has a bad habit of saying “oh, take that turn, that one there, yes the one we just passed”. I like advance warnings of turns, it’s less surprising.
Tempted by a sat-nav though.
Herself has a very simple answer to everything - “Stop and I’ll ask that man”. She has the unerring ability to always chose the one stranger to the area too. If you get a SatNav, get a male one.
Tut tut Grandad, you’re stirring up a hornets nest with this one.
Not my fault? Heh!
Me, I prefer my bit of posh giving directions. After all, I am at the wheel and can ignore her if I choose. And I do. Turn back at the first opportunity she says. Hah, with her stuck on the dash, muttering, I turn up Hauschke (not Rolling Stones, GP).
A few weeks ago, satnavless, I had to call ahead for directions to some outhouse up some Kerry mountains. A craggy old fart (ring a bell?) gave convoluted directions to his gaff. “I’ll call as I get near you if I get lost”. “How can you get lost on an island? ” was his reply. It was going to be one of those days.
You’re a braver man than me Grandad!
I really hate it when women always want to ask people for directions. Why can’t they just accept the fact they have no idea where to go and just spend the next hour or so driving around aimlessly trying to find the place?
Yeah yeah women are bad at navigating, not. I am the navigator. I also have no problems stopping someone and asking directions, unlike most men I know. I remember particular incidents where one fella refused point blank to ask directions insisting he knew where we were going. Course he was wrong and I asked someone, viola, sorted.
What is it with men and asking directions?
I still shudder when I think about my mother navigating. I’d never be ad enough to post about it though
Kerryview - Why should ‘craggy old fart’ ring a bell?? And if you were on Valentia, it is impossible to get lost. There is only one road!
Maxi - After over thirty years of marriage, I can take anything.
TheChrisD - How else are we supposed to explore, and find interesting places?
RedMum - Howya!! Men never ask directions because they know it isn’t worth the bother. Very few people know how to give directions, so the driver usually ends up more confused than before. Anyway, men always know where they are going [even when they are lost].
Neil - Welcome! Be a divil and tell us about it!! It will help you through the Recession?
ding dong, a bell rings. The problem was the old fart was referring to Ireland as the island I couldn’t get lost on, not Valentia. I have nothing against the ladies and their sense of direction. Did St Brendan or Columbus have any idea where they were going? Would America have been found if a lady was the navigator? Was it Mr Marco Polo or the Missus?
Think zen. It’s the journey. Not journey’s end.
Kerryview - That is a depressing though… If St Brendan hadn’t asked the missus for directions, we might have been spared America. Just think - a world without McDonalds, ‘Friends’ and shite spelling?
yes GD, but it goes on. Did Jesus ask for directions when he was in the desert? Did Mao have a female tracker? What Satnav did Vasco De Gama use? Sartre may have had Simone on the Roads to Freedom, but he was driving (and what sort of woman was she?)
Enough. The old head’s going to burst. Early visit to Office after lunch now high on the agenda. Enjoy the rest of the comments GD.
Mmmmm Grandad - so women can’t navigate eh? Might I point out that you are the one using the Satnav!
*sigh* I bought it because I couldn’t be bothered memorising a couple of thousand kilometers worth of directions. Also it knows where petrol stations are, and I don’t.
If you use it for going to Belfast, you should try this add-on.
http://www.funnybus.com/stops/northern-ireland-sat-nav-system/
Anarchy - Classic!! I must install that system. Do they have one for the South?
of course that was the reason - it hadn’t nothing to do with an inability to navigate - just the lack of petrol stations in Ireland ….. I think I understand…….
I just got one actually, starting a new job next week so I’ll be needing it.
I’ve been testing it out. According to my new sat nav, I live on the other side of Dublin. I hate moving!
@maxi
have you logged the co ords of your restaurant in the satnavthingy? what are they?
Kate - Do you know where every petrol station is in the UK??
Maxi - I hope to God it didn’t say you live on the Northside? If so, GET RID OF IT.
@Kerryview
Nice try.
@Grandad
That’s exactly what I said, I still wasn’t sure so I got out to ask for directions and by the time I got back there were four mini bricks on my dashboard where my SatNav used to be!
Maxi - Serves you right for being wimpish enough to ask for directions.
Do I need to?
I had to, the SatNav was a woman so she wouldn’t shut up until I did!
Kate - Yes. [Unless your car runs on air?]
Maxi - Next time, buy a man. At least you have the satisfaction of knowing that the kids who stole it will be lost within five minutes?
No not yet unfortunately but I wait with baited breath for the Cork/ Kerry regional Sat nav.
I can see this getting out of hand here - When I am travelling I fill ‘PJ’ before I set off and keep an eye on the gauge - when I see it below half full I start to look out for a filling station - it works for me - every time! I don’t need to know where they ALL are just the one I need at the time.
Anarchy - Every journey would start with “Well, if I were going there, I wouldn’t start from here”?
Kate - That’s fine. Now, suppose you need a police station or hospital?
I do ask for directions. But I only ask women. With low cut dresses. While I hold a map quite low down. This compensates for the emasculating experience of seeking directions in the first place.
I also pre-program my wife by going to the RAC routeplanner and printing out the directions. I have yet to find a way of programming out the smartarse comments
Good thinking, Thrifty. I must try that one.
As for printing out routes - I tried that, but she blew her nose in them and we got lost shortly after.
In a large green landslide?
Hmm when this came up in my reader this morning I thought you were talking about me…
I need Roger I can’t navigate my own driveway- there I said it- “I am directionally challenged,” heck I didn’t even start driving until I was 23. It was nice in the beginning to be chauffeured about by the boys. But then after awhile it sucks never going where you want to go- so I finally learned to drive… had a cousin that didn’t learn to drive until she was 38 or so. I think she took the train everywhere- which sucks unless you have your own personal train to drive. Like that will ever happen!
But it doesn’t hurt to imagine blasting through Chicago running down people on the platforms in your own huge caboose!!!! WAwoooooowwww!
It’s too hot here to carry on with this - I’m not going to go on about road signage or dialling 999 - Justin Hayward is singing to me and I have a nice glass of rose wine - I will go an reminisce about the ’70’s when the man of the moment was a rally driver and he and I won trophies - his for driving and mine for ….. navigating! Not all women are useless you see!!!
Ahhh, God bless the old country where you can still stop and ask directions from a stranger without getting shot. Unless you happen to be a tourist and have the bad luck to ask Grandad, of course.
@anarchy & gd. Well, first it’s smokers. then golf. now cork & kerry. easy targets. Satnavs down here work very well thank you. turn left half a mile before you reach the bridge. go back the road, take the second road and away you go. if you reach the crossroads you’ve gone too far. why would you want to go there? turn left at the crossroads, unless you are coming from the other way.
I’ve heard them all. Trust me, a satnav is mucho better. And no, I don’t miss the big smoke (Belfast or Dublin)
Lots of replies to this one, I’m with Redmum and Kate. On a different angle, has anyone given a thought to following the given directions? I was walking down Temple Bar this morning when I was stopped by a very nice couple, she (he smiled nicely but didnt do any asking) asked the way to Grafton St, so I told them. She (he smiled nicely but didnt do any thanking) thanked me very graciously and then proceeded to walk in the opposite direction to what I’d told them! Weird!
Thrifty - Disgusting, but spot on.
Michelle - I always wanted my own train too. Unfortunately, the authorities didn’t take too kindly to that escapade, and I had to give it back!!
Kate - I never said you were useless? The wine is confusing you….
TT - I don’t always shoot ‘em. Usually I send them up to the bog. It’s less humane.
Kerryview - Another who is getting touchy for some reason? I agree wholeheartedly about Dublin and Belfast. Give me the wilds of the Kerry Peninsulas anytime. Or the mountains.
Charmed - I have noticed that. I go to great pains to direct them to the nearest swamp, and they give me a strange look and head in the opposite direction. I don’t know why I bother.
@Kate
Justin hayward, john lodge, moody blues, hot day in summer. my god you take me back. blue jays. I’d say you could navigate. Through memories
Heh. I hope he pees on your seat and wipes his discarded snot-balls on your steering wheel.
What happens when he hits his mid-life crisis? Will he sell your car while you sleep and buy a sporty little number for absolutely no reason at all?
Kerryview - Moody Blues are on the SatNav!
K8 - That’s strange? I could have sworn you had one too????
Ah yes but I switched the voice off because I have this wonderful ability to multi-task. You should try it?
Computer says no…
Hah! Can you hum the Hallelujah Chorus [in five part harmony] while lighting your pipe and have a piss standing up, all at the same time?
Dad stop dropping acid. It’s setting a bad example for your granddaughter.
I never drop it. It’s too precious.
We’re veering away from the point.
This usually means I won the argument… yay!
You started the slide into mediocrity. anyway, I would expect you to be damned good at navigating. You are your father’s daughter, after all?