Eurorambles
Grandad August 11th, 2008
In case you have been wondering at my absence, I have been very busy running a new business that I have started up.
They say every retiree needs a hobby.
I have discovered a wee niche in the marketplace which I have nicely filled with my new enterprise.
The country here is heading into its worst recession in 1,358 years [that's according to the government, who want a good pay-bargaining position], so suddenly we have a need for mass emigration. However the surplus workforce are mainly foreign workers who are now redundant from the building industry. These workers now want to go home.
The problem is that their countries were only too damn glad to get rid of them in the first place, and now they don’t want them back.
This is a problem.
So I have started a people trafficking business.
I am smuggling people into countries like Romania and Estonia, and a moxy load of others.
It isn’t easy.
I’m having to hire containers and then ship them overland disguised as beef exports.
The operation is so complicated that I have had to computerise the whole thing to keep track of it. I am using a top of the range package called MSWorks, but I doubt you have heard of it.
I am about to ship twenty six Turkish families in one container to Turkey [where else?]. Yesterday, I sent forty eight Ugandan families to Siberia. I confess that was a mistake, but I hope they’ll be happy there. I blame MSWorks for that one.
I’m calling my enterprise Eurorambles.
Anyone want a ticket?
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Sign me up for Raratonga ?
Wow. It’s a close race. I just leapfrogged four places on your Top Commenters list with that comment. See what this one does. By the way. Where is Brianf ? You think he was Charlton Heston?
Good thinking Grandad – I’ll have a container for 2 to Mauritius please.
I’m pretty sure I’m originally from Hawaii. Can you look after me?
And here’s me thinking of exercising the rights to my heritage – will there be room for me over there when you’ve shipped all those people out do you think??
What are your fees?
TT – You’ll have to move here first before I can export you. I’m not in the immigration business.
Lottie and Darren – No problem. All you have to do is provide me with forged Irish passports and other lack of official identity.
Kate – I’d say the country will be pretty empty soon. Business is brisk. Have your forged tickets ready.
BBB – When one runs an illegal business, one doesn’t publish one’s finances on the Interweb. You never know when the taxman is watching?
Mmmm already got the passport so I’d just need to smuggle my car on to the ferry – couldn’t leave PJ behind – do you think anyone would notice a very small black Picanto with pink hibiscus flowers on the panels????
Kate – If it’s a legitimate passport, it’s no good. You’ll have to go through the regular channels. As for the car…. ?
Would you do me a deal on the Dominican Republic?
Ah, you’ll have room for me now! I’ll muck up the place – make the Celtic Tiger roar with fire again!
Always been amused at that product naming: MS Works, i.e. Microsoft works i.e. it functions, it does what it’s supposed to.
Assuming the forged docs arent part of the deal? Hmmm, a side-business, perhaps???
As soon as Georgia has a potato famine I shall be on my way.
I guess it is an alternative business model to Soylent Green.
Apologies, but I’ve just tagged you in a meme. You can blame K8!
(don’t feel you have to by the way; it’s surprisingly difficult!)
You got a container going to Canada? I have a bunch of bags I want to throw in there. I already have my plane ticket bought and paid for, and I get to queesy on boats.
T Minus 33 days, 14 hours, 45 minutes
can I maybe pass something to my Ma in Poland with your soonest shipment?
Yiz have all got the wrong end of the stick. I’m not a fecking travel agency! I’m an illegal immigrant repatriation service. If you want to go to the Maldives or the Seychelles, then make your own arrangements.
Jedrzej – No problem. I have a container with 48 families going over next week. Will the package fit in the remaining 10 cubic inches?
It won’t really, I’ll have to split it – gonna send just 10 cubic inches of euro notes this time.
So you’ve heard how much I charge then? There won’t be any left for the container.
This reminds of that old movie Soylent Green or the Twilight Zone where they serve people- for some reason I think you are canning people…
[...] of calls, I got it down to a reasonable rate, although I am still thinking of using Grandad’s service. If anything he is [...]