Health food makes you thick
Grandad August 15th, 2008
Healthy food is very bad for your health. Fact.
The other day, Herself was having a bowl of some healthy cereal, full of nuts and raisins and other crap. She started coughing and spluttering, and the next thing I knew, she spat a tooth half way across the room. It bounced off Sandy’s head and lay grinning at us from the corner. “Thit,” she said.
We went to the dentist yesterday.
I sat in the car with Sandy, because I refuse to enter those places. Sandy is of the same opinion [and her teeth are fine].
Herself came out eventually, looking rather grim, to say that we had to go to the Thity [I think she meant 'City'] to get a new partial denture. So we set sail and for the first time in her life, she sat there quietly beside me clutching a bag containing moulds of her mouth.
We dropped off the moulds, and on the way home, I suggested we stop for a coffee in the village. She said that was fine as long as she didn’t have to thpeak to anybody. That was all right in my book, as I like my coffee and pipe-full to be peaceful.
It was a lovely day yesterday, and there were quite a few people sitting outside the coffee shop. I grabbed my usual table and ordered. Almost immediately, a couple of tourists who were sitting beside Herself started chatting to her about the dog. She refused to talk to them and just made noises, so I explained to them that she was on a day out from the Maximum Security Home for the Bewildered. They left in a hurry, which gave us more space.
Eventually we got home, and who should we meet, but our new next door neighbour. He came in to introduce himself, and Herself had no option but to talk to him. I had to patiently explain that her name wasn’t Herthelf and the dog wasn’t called Thandy. I think he left with the impression that we are a little bit thtrange.
We have to go back today to collect the new denture.
The the moral of the thtory ith that if you want to keep your teeth, thteer well clear of health food.
- Around the village , Health
- Comments(24)
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thrilling thereal ecthperienthe.
hahahahahahahahaha. just absolutely fantastic! hahahahahahah.
you really need to listen to that with some kind of text to speech engine. With trying to stop my self laughing my eyes watered!
Grandad, you’ve outdone your self.
Get a demonstration screen reader from http://www.freedomscientific.com, download it and then read your post by pressing insert and down arrow…. just brillient.
Jedrzej - I hope today ith jutht ath exthiting?
DidgitalDarragh - No need for all that. I already supply audio files of all my scribblings. Just click on the Odiogo button on the sidebar. The file is usually available a short while after I publish.
Servers her right or eating healthy cereal. She should have been eating Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes or something similar!
TheChrisD - I keep telling her that we all need our MSG and E-numbers, but she won’t listen….
Aha, another horror story about muethli. I gave up eating that thtuff yearth ago!!
She wouldn’t have done any damage having a fry!
Bloody health food.
On the other hand, if she’d had had a drop of whiskey in the milk, she probably wouldn’t have noticed.
Have a fry and a short one for breakfast. It’s the way of the future!
Oh that picture is fucking horrible!
I’d thay herthelf will want to dish out an almighty thlap if she happens to read thith!
That picture just ruined my morning.
Otherwise, great post.
thit! the odiogo thingy is almost as funny as the poth!
Kate - Muesli is purely for lining the bottom of parrot cageth.
Maxi - My philosophy exactly! That has been my staple diet [and Vidaloo, of course] for decades.
Neil - She has read it now. I’m still in one piece. She said that the photo wasn’t a bit like her - she has an extra tooth in front.
SinisterDan - Sorry about that
Prin - It’s a pity that it doesn’t attempt all the words!
*Cringing*
I’m with Maxi, stick to the fry. There’s plenty of vitamins and minerals in a fry. You’ve got iron, protein, calcium, Potassium, Vitamin C, Vitamin A, and a myriad of other important nutrients. Of course, there is the issue of cholesterol and fat. I had a great-grandmother that ate an Ulster Fry (our equivalent) every morning most of her life, and she lived to be 98!
that was the funniest part, that the intonations or lack thereof
JD - Cringing? I don’t make people cringe, do I?
Prin - If I had thought of it, I might have tried to write stuff that Yer Man in Odiogo could pronounce. The only problem is that no one would be able to read it properly then!
Di you mean “Muesli is purely for lining the bottom of parrot cageth” or “Muesli is FROM the bottom of parrot cageth”?
Nonsen! Swear I have all me own teeth! . I take them out from the cardboard boxes under my bed and we chat about the old days when you could buy a penny black jack bar for one penny.
Jim C - Good point. To be honest, I don’t eat muesli, and I have never tasted the bottom of a parrot’s cageth [except maybe after a very heavy night], so I can’t comment.
Granny - Don’t be telling lies. I know the truth, even if they don’t. Do you mean Cough No More bars? Hmmmmmmmm!
Nice picture. Shane MacGowan ? You wouldn’t want to pogue him.
Corn Flakes=a good safe daily food ration
TT - Herself is a better singer than SMG. Not hard, because she sobers up occasionally.
BBB - Daily food ration for what?
I’m so glad I don’t have teeth….just a couple of clasps…so far so good!
I like how I sit down to eat a bowl of granola and pour a nice decent healthy serving of it- start munching away, look at the back of the box and find out I am eating more then my daily requirement for fat in one bowl and more calories then I should have at breakfast and lunch combined. It don’t even taste that good, so I am off the stuff and just eat donuts and bacon instead.
Who actually eats a quarter cup of granola anyway… a crow? That’s like 3 spoonfuls, I need a wad a food get me going in the morning and a bucket of coffee on top of it.
Sorry about the teeth- I lost half a crown chomping on the kids candy about a month ago… sux doesn’t it.
Very funny post, luckily I have not had my breakfast yet so will stick to something soft…having said that the picture has put me off my food for now…yuk, yuk ,yuk!!!
@BBB - Until you end up finding a flake that hasn’t been properly softened by the milk, you fail to chew it properly and you choke on it as it gets stuck in your throat