Head Rambles

Grandad August 22nd, 2008

This place is turning into a zoo.

Our K8 has fecked off overseas and I am babysitting.

For once, it’s not the human kind of babysitting, more a case of animals and mechanics.

First of all I have their car taking up half my driveway.  That is a bit of an embarrassment as it wouldn’t be my choice of car.  Neighbourly impressions are important.  So I have jacked it up onto concrete blocks and removed a few body panels.  It looks much better now.

Then there is Wouldya.  Now what kind of name is that for a dog?  I feel daft shouting “Wouldya! Wouldya get that rock outa here!”  It’s repetitive.  So, as official guardian of this brainless lump of dogmeat, I have renamed him Darth Vader, or Vader for short.  I feel much better shouting “Vader! Spit that child out!”

Lastly [but not leastly] there are a couple of guinea pigs.

Guinea pigs and I have never been on intimate terms in the past.  I know nothing about them, so it’s a bit of a learning curve.  I am beginning to learn which end is which.

They are named Fizz and Biddy which won’t do at all at all.  I have renamed them Bubble and Squeak.

They are the noisiest pair of fuckers I have ever met.

How two little blobs of fur can make so much noise is beyond me.

They are in a cage at the other end of the room at the moment.  There is a non-stop cacophony of crashes, clicks, squeaks, whistling, whirring and bubbling noises coming from them.  Earlier one did a very good impression of a helicopter.  They are providing endless amusement for Sandy who doesn’t have a clue what to make of them.

For a while, I contemplated doing some laboratory experiments on them, but I have a confession to make.

I’m growing quite fond of them.

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Grandad August 21st, 2008

They rang last weekend to say they would be around on Friday or Saturday to replace part of my roof.

This was fine as it gave me all week to clear the shit off it.

The roof is covered in ivy that not only grows all over the surface but also buries into it in places.  We have long strings of ivy actually coming through into the room underneath. 

We thought it was about time to replace the roof, as the inside was wetter than outside when it rained.

There were also quite a few branches overhanging the roof which would have to be cleared before they could work on it.

All in all, there was a lot of work to be done. 

I made a start on Sunday, but the rain got the better of me and I had to quit.  I thought I’d leave it until today when the forecast was reasonable.

……

There was a knock on the door this morning.

The bastards have turned up a day early.

Before they would start, I had to clear the shit.

I have just spent the last half hour running around like a blue-arsed fly cutting branches and stripping ivy.  I have never seen a blue-arsed fly but my heart goes out to them. 

I’m bollixed.

Not only am I bollixed, but I have stripped most of the skin off my arms as one of the trees has very large thorns.

And I walked in a large dog turd.

Why the hell couldn’t they turn up four days late like the rest of the building industry.

They don’t even have the excuse that they are foreigners.

Bastards.

I hate efficiency.

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Grandad August 20th, 2008

I won’t be writing anything on this site today.

I just don’t have the time.

I have to head out in a few minutes and go down to the village.

Apparently, I’m to meet a Romanian off the bus.  I have been given my instructions by Herself ["Go down and collect a Romanian woman off the bus"] so who am I to argue?  I don’t know what she wants a Romanian woman for.  She’s done this before, and I came to no harm so I might as well give it another spin.  I might even get a quick grope on the way home.

Then I have some work to do around the estate.  A few trees and bushes have to be hacked back as I’m running short of firewood.

After that, Herself wants to go into town.

*sigh*

This, of course means that I have to get tanked up on coffee while I wait for her.  I asked her what she wanted to buy there and she muttered something about rat poison.  That, by my reckoning is at least a two hour wait, whereas if I went to buy it I’d be home in half an hour.  But she wants to go to the shops and I’m not going to have a fight over it.  We have spilled enough blood over the last couple of weeks, and I’m getting too old.

I don’t know what she wants rat poison for?

We don’t have rats.

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Grandad August 19th, 2008

I was sitting here quietly eating my lunch. 

I had the laptop open on the table beside me.  I had Woopra open on it.

Suddenly my site is flooded with visitors.  Woopra is going mad.

They are all searching for ‘headrambles’ in Google.

Why?

Why have they all decided that Tuesday lunchtime is a good time to search for Head Rambles??

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Grandad August 19th, 2008

Several times in the past I [and others] have been accused of deleting comments.  This is supposedly to make my audience appear supportive of all I write.

I have written some stuff in the past which has sparked some controversy and I have received my share of negative comments.

I don’t mind someone disagreeing with me.  In fact I welcome it as it can lead to an interesting debate.  Strangely enough though, when I write something I think will cause a comment war, people just come along and agree with me.   Am I so in tune with the Great Unwashed?

My policy is pretty straightforward.

I will block a comment if I think it is spam.

I will block a comment if it is defamatory or if it is blatantly abusive towards another commenter.

I will block a comment if it is obviously from a nut case.

I have my own little pet nut case who is intrigued with this site for some reason.  I told him to fuck off in the past, and when he didn’t I added him to Askimet so he is now a bone fide spammer.  That didn’t stop him though – it just meant that all his comments are deleted in my regular spam clean out.

He still writes occasionally, even though he gets nowhere.  I see his name crop up in the spam list and I just click on “Delete all” and away he goes.

A few days ago, I took the piss out of parking wardens.

My nut case [I'll call him SS] took grave exception to this.  I noticed he had commented on it and for once I read what he had to say.

“so this is how you treat civil servants.” he says.  “Of course it is”, is my reply.  These little Jobsworths are put on this planet to make my life a misery so it is beholden on me to reciprocate.

“you tricked him out of getting the fee he deserved.” he continues.  I love this.  The fee he deserved?  For fuck’s sake!  He doesn’t deserve anything.  He is not providing a service – he is charging me a fee for parking on a public road.  Anyway, he doesn’t get the fee.  He gets a salary.  The money goes to the council so that they can enjoy expensive and useless trips abroad.

“the great thing about [his little group] is that it encourages civil honesty, something you clearly lack and then you boast about your shameful behavior on your blog“  Yes.  I am so ashamed.  I cannot live with myself.  I am the most uncivilly dishonest person I know of.

“..how petulant and sad.” he says.  I am confused here.  Is he talking about himself?  That is the most petulant and the saddest comment I have ever not received on my site, so it must be himself he’s talking about.

I hope he continues to write.  I’m not taking him out of the spam listing, but I will watch out for his comments in future.  They always give me a laugh.

I blame Harney.

The mental institutions need a lot more funding.

• Blogging , spam
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