I’m a Celebrity – don’t shoot me
Grandad February 14th, 2009
Life has become rather surreal since I started this site, and especially in the last few weeks.
I had a phone call this morning.
“Hello! Is that Grandad?”
“It is, indeed,” I replied.
“This is John from Limerick and I just wanted to apologise for this morning, but I ran out of time.”
“That’s no problem,” I said.
Now who the fuck was John from Limerick?
The only person I know of in Limerick is Bock, and he is merely a fig-leaf of my worst nightmares, so it wasn’t anything to do with him.
I know the only thing they do down in Limerick is shoot each other. It used to be known as ‘Stab City’ but since all this Celtic Tiger shit, they went upmarket and got themselves guns.
Maybe John had been asked by a Grandad to shoot someone, and had phoned the wrong Grandad? But as far as I am aware, I am the only real Grandad in Ireland.
I was pondering all the permutations and combinations of the various possibilities, when John interrupted my train of thought.
“Is there any chance you could do the live interview next Saturday?” he asked.
The penny dropped. It must be a radio station.
Then I remembered that next Saturday is the Irish Blog Awards, and I am travelling down to Cork on that day. I told him about that.
“No problem. We can do the interview at seven in the morning.”
Now I know they are a bit wanton in Limerick, but what kind of fucking looper listens to the radio at seven on a Saturday morning?
“Can you make that a bit later?” I said in my best ‘I’m a celebrity; don’t fuck with me’ kind of voice.
“No problem,” he said. “I’ll phone you a few minutes before nine. Next Saturday then…”
Now I didn’t realise they had radio stations in Limerick. I wasn’t even sure they had electricity down there, but apparently they have.
One thing is for certain though.
I’ll be wearing my Kevlar vest at nine on Saturday.
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You better turn off your mobile during the awards!
Come to think of it, all those interruptions from the phone calls could be a good excuse for you to avoid paying for those pints you promised me!
There’ll be paparazzi next—I hope you save the big Santa guns you had at Christmas?
Robert – It’s all right. Bock is paying for all the drinks. It may even be a free bar, on him?
Susan – I have already had them. Sandy flushed one out of the hedge last week. He is down in the landfill, and I have a nice new camera!
The price of fame eh??
Don’t forget to drink the contents of your fridge before the interview.
I look forward to seeing you in the Australian jungle with Ant and Dec later this year ;D
Val – Why would I want to drink all that milk? I would love to be in an isolated spot with Ant and Dec – I would take the greatest delight in strangling the pair of them.
You need to milk to line your stomach before all the alcohol.
Phew, wondered what you were going to say about being alone with Ant and Dec
Stab City… that’s… that’s brilliant! Never heard that one before.
Is that the best you can do GD
….
After Limerick we’ll bring you over here and interview you in Detroit, East St. Louis, Compton, North Philly, South Bronx, Little Havana, Chicago Heights and some little former mining town in West Virginia where they’ll say… “He’s talks funny but he’s got nice lips”.
I hope all this fame doesn’t go to your head and then you won’t want the likes of us “commoners” on your blog then Grandad! That said, I hope you sweep up those awards at the Blog Awards thingy and I also hope your daughter joins you.
PS : Hope you didn’t forget Valentine’s Day – or Herself will not accompany you next week. I just know you’re a fan of that commercial holiday too. (Like Christmas, remember?)
Milton – ? The best I can do? Are you from Limerick?
Brianf – For God’s sake.. every city in the States is lethal with those stupid gun laws of yours. Maybe Obama will repeal them?
Tricia – I take life as it comes, and I am told by my team of media people that I am the same lovable old character I always was. I am going to the awards to teach them how to drink. I very much doubt that I’ll pick up any awards, though I might pick up a female blogger or two? As for Valentine’s Day – I did my bit last Tuesday.
I’m glad to see others are aware of the Double Antichrist that is called Ant & Dec. They were part of the reason I got rid of my telly a few years ago and refuse to buy another.
The little light brown haired one- ‘Dec’ I suspect given that they never appear standing facing the camera as ‘Dec and Ant’ (does anyone notice that?) is inoffensive enough if weirdly preserved as a teenager for a chap obviously in his thirties at least.
But the other one- the black haired Spawn of Beelzebub they call ‘Ant’ here on earth. Take a look at him when t’other little fellow Dec is speaking. He has a very peculiar way of staring straight at the camera and I know when someone is reading down an autocue so it isn’t that.
There’s something very wrong with that chap and if I had either kids or a telly I’d hide the children behind the couch if they appeared on screen.
Its the Omen with hair gel. Other than that I’m sure he’s a lovely fellow.
Sorry Grandad, I just tried to edit a comment before uploading to your blog and when the edit was accepted what showed up was my comment with the characters ’20%’ appearing in every blank space between words.
I had the same thing yesterday- am I doing something wrong I wonder? Didn’t mean to upload gobbledegook!
Ok, its been a while since I lived in the dear ole sod known as Limerick, but stillll, ooooohhhhhh.
Grandad, I’m looking forward to a blog about all things wodnerful about Limerick on your return!
Captain – Now your comment has disappeared completely. A pity, as I like a bit of Ant and Dec apart-ripping. I don’t know what’s wrong. What browser are you using?
Charmed – Congratulations on making it out alive and in one piece! I’m very sorry to disappoint but I’m not actually going there. I have more sense than that. I’m heading down to Cork for the weekend and that is about as near as I would risk.
Captain – All is well. Your comment had gone into moderation for some reason, but the truth about Ant and Dec is now out for the world to see. I do think however you are going a bit over the top referring to Ant as the Spawn of Beelzebub? Is Beelzebub that bad?
Oh god, not those fucking radio interviews again… Can’t you just send them a copy of your last one and have them play that?
Limerick was called “Stab City” by Gerry Stembridge, who wrote the script for Scrap Saturday.
Gerry is a Limerickman, and I think he would probably now acknowledge how stupid the nickname is.
Unfortunately, this nickname has been used for cheap laughs over the years and there’s no doubt that it has harmed us.
Bock – I agree. Stab City is a daft name. Glock City would be better?
Perhaps. But then we’d be forced to find similar names for Dublin, Cork, Sligo and everywhere else you’ll find murdering knacker scumbags.
That would be wrong.
Why increase the number of children who feel hurt by labelling of their home town? Let’s just keep it to the Limerick kids, since they’re already hurt.
You see? I knew we were going back to the Eighties, except in those days, it was the Brits calling all of us terrorist bombers. How we chuckled at their gentle ribbing when they called us IRA murderers.
At least now the stereotyping is confined to one city, instead of the whole island and that has to be progress, surely. And we’re doing it to ourselves, which proves we’ve achieved independence.
Limerick was called “Stab City” by Gerry Stembridge, who wrote the script for Scrap Saturday.
Gerry is a Limerickman, and I think he would probably now acknowledge how stupid the nickname is.
Unfortunately, this nickname has been used for cheap laughs over the years and there’s no doubt that it has harmed us.
Actually he didn’t create it, he propagated it, but didn’t create it.
It was a local journalist who came up with it after a single stabbing incident, that of a foreign national in the late 80s if I recall.
Welcome Squid!
OK. Enough is enough.
Limerick is now declared Stab Free.
It is a beautiful city.
But I’m still wearing my Kevlar.
