Head Rambles

Grandad February 17th, 2009

I received a letter this morning.

It was from The Revenue Commissioners.

I won’t bother typing out the whole thing, but the gist of it is as follows:

Dear Grandad,

We notice from our records that you never filed a tax return for the year 2007.

If you do not send us a HUGE cheque immediately, we will drill your body full of holes and fill them with nitric acid.

We will then proceed to torture all members of your family, including pets.

Finally we will load you with such big penalties that you will have to spend the next three hundred years paying them off.

So pay up, you smarmy little fuck.

Yours faithfully

This annoyed me a bit.

That fucker Biffo is so desperate for cash he’s trying to bill me twice.  I sent them a tenner last year.  I wrote about it, so that is conclusive proof that I paid, and it will stand up in any court.

I phoned them.

I explained that they were bitching about a sum of money that Biffo would “earn” in about a tenth of a second.

They went through my records and came up with a little surprise.

They owe me money.

In fact, they owe me a lot of money.

That’ll teach those bastards in the government not to be so greedy.

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Grandad February 16th, 2009

I was up at eight this morning and it was beautiful.

The sun was shining, there was a Willow Warbler singing just outside my window and it was a picture of peace and serenity.

Two hours later and it’s fucking mayhem.

The builders arrived early and started ripping the house apart, pulling down walls and things. 

Two fellas arrived in a van and took all our furniture.  I asked if they were debt collectors, but they said they weren’t.  I don’t know who they were.

A skip is due to arrive any minute.

And a tooth fell out.

All the spare space in the house is now full of shit that had been upstairs, and I can’t move anywhere.  Beds, boxes, curtains, carpets and stuff I haven’t seen in decades.

Herself ordered the builders.  I’m not quite sure what they are doing but one of the bedrooms is suddenly full of dust, and there is a lot of banging and thumping going on.  One of the builders muttered something about hoping the weather stays fine for when they rip the roof off.  I’m not going to bother asking what’s going on, as she probably wouldn’t tell me anyway.

There is only one thing to do at a time like this….

I’m off to the pub.

As soon as I can find my tooth.

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Grandad February 15th, 2009

Every year for the last few years, The frogs have spawned in our lake on February the 14th.

Not the 13th.

Not the 15th.

The 14th.

Every year on the same night.  I find it incredible that their timing is so accurate.

I was sad this year, because the weather has been so different.  Instead of the usual cold, wet miserable February that we normally get, we had a fucking freezing wet miserable February.  There was no way that those frogs were going to spawn.

I went for a stroll this morning around the estate, and happened by the lake.

There it was.

A seething mass of jelly covering a fair portion of the water.

Those little buggers had been shagging their brains out right on cue and the evidence of their frenzy was plain to be seen.

How do they know the date?

So there you have it.  Love is not in the air on St Valentine’s Day.

It’s in the water.

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Grandad February 14th, 2009

Life has become rather surreal since I started this site, and especially in the last few weeks.

I had a phone call this morning.

“Hello!  Is that Grandad?”

“It is, indeed,” I replied.

“This is John from Limerick and I just wanted to apologise for this morning, but I ran out of time.”

“That’s no problem,” I said.

Now who the fuck was John from Limerick?

The only person I know of in Limerick is Bock, and he is merely a fig-leaf of my worst nightmares, so it wasn’t anything to do with him.

I know the only thing they do down in Limerick is shoot each other.  It used to be known as ‘Stab City’ but since all this Celtic Tiger shit, they went upmarket and got themselves guns. 

Maybe John had been asked by a Grandad to shoot someone, and had phoned the wrong Grandad?  But as far as I am aware, I am the only real Grandad in Ireland.

I was pondering all the permutations and combinations of the various possibilities, when John interrupted my train of thought.

“Is there any chance you could do the live interview next Saturday?” he asked.

The penny dropped.  It must be a radio station. 

Then I remembered that next Saturday is the Irish Blog Awards, and I am travelling down to Cork on that day.  I told him about that.

“No problem.  We can do the interview at seven in the morning.”

Now I know they are a bit wanton in Limerick, but what kind of fucking looper listens to the radio at seven on a Saturday morning? 

“Can you make that a bit later?” I said in my best ‘I’m a celebrity; don’t fuck with me’ kind of voice.

“No problem,” he said.  “I’ll phone you a few minutes before nine.  Next Saturday then…”

Now I didn’t realise they had radio stations in Limerick.  I wasn’t even sure they had electricity down there, but apparently they have.

One thing is for certain though.

I’ll be wearing my Kevlar vest at nine on Saturday.

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Grandad February 13th, 2009

Last June, Peter Donegan wrote a piece about Budget Car Hire.

He had seen an advertisement for Budget Car Rental as follows

Full Size 4 Door e.g. Toyota Avensis or similar Euro €34.00 Price includes all compulsory Insurances, Government Tax, Unlimited Mileage and 24hr Breakdown cover. Please take a moment to read the Terms & Conditions of rental before making your booking.

He thought that was a reasonable offer, and availed of it.

He hired the car one morning in Cork, and returned it that evening.

To his surprise he received the following bill -

Now, just take a look at the Total Estimated Charges.  €143.06.  Yes.  That is One Hundred and Forty Three Euro.

Not bad for a hire that is advertised at a mere €34?

Naturally, Peter queried this, as anyone in their right mind would.

He also got in touch with the Car Rental Council of Ireland, the National Consumer Agency and Fáilte Ireland, amongst others.

Why not?

They had advertised a rental at €34, but the “small print” had brought the estimate up to €143.06.

All of this went on last June and July, which is seven months ago.  In the world of the Interweb, seven months is a very long time.

So why is he now receiving threatening phone calls?

Why is “a legal office” demanding that he remove a seven month old post within 48 hours?

If this “legal office” is indeed representing Budget Car Rental, then why are they suddenly moving with such urgency?  It’s hardly as if the post is documentary evidence?  It’s not even as if Peter had written anything libellous.

If he claimed that Budget Car Rental were committing fraud, or that Budget Car Rental were deliberately conning people, then they might have a case against him, but he didn’t.  He simply stated the facts.

There is something very fishy going on here.

I would love to hear real legal opinion as to the legality of his post.

A very strange update.

I now hear from my very reliable sources that the ‘legal office’ is, indeed acting on behalf of Budget Car Rental.

However……

Budget Car Rental deny any hand act or part in it and are anxious to find out who this ‘legal office’ actually is!

This is very weird.

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