Head Rambles

Grandad February 12th, 2009

Another foul day.

I was having a grand sleep this morning, when they started digging up the fucking road beside my house again.

They have been working on that road since November, and there is damn all to show for it apart from temporary traffic lights and a lot of noise.  My theory is that FAS are running a Recession Course where they take every single unemployed person in Ireland, and send them to my area to dig up my road.  If you have a better theory, then that’s fine, but I’m sticking to mine.

That is not the best way to be woken at half seven in the morning, so I was not in the best of form when I fired up my laptop to see what is going on in the world.  The fucking thing broke.

This is not my old laptop, that broke at Christmas, but the new on I got to replace it.  It just stopped booting up.  It would get as far as a screen saying ‘welcome’ and then wouldn’t go any further.

Welcome, my arse.

This puzzled me because the idea of two computers doing more or less the same thing in a couple of months seemed to be a bit of a coincidence.

Being the proud owner of an Honours Primary Certificate, I decided to apply my intelligence and education to the problem.

Was there anything in common with both crashes?  Was I running the same programme at the time?  Was I viewing the same porn web site at the time?

I have just remembered.

Each time, before the crash, my laptop had asked me to reboot because there were new updates.

So it is those wankers in Microsoft that are the cause of my problems?

The more I have to deal with that Microsoft lot the more I suffer.

That is why I have stripped as much of their shite off my PC as possible.

In fact I run with the absolute minimum of everything on it.

None of those ‘make your PC faster’ things that slow down the whole yoke.

None of that ‘put all your passwords in one programme’ rubbish.

And as for that ‘firewall’ and ‘anti-virus’ bollox…

Forget it.

• computers
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Grandad February 11th, 2009

At last the snow is beginning to thaw.

I love snow, but you can have too much of a good thing.

The Manor at the height of the blizzard

I went out yesterday and did a survey of the estate to see if there was any damage.  There was surprisingly little.  Normally we lose a tree or two under the weight of snow but this year we just lost a few branches.

There was one place where there had been a bit of a avalanche.  A couple of tons of snow had slid down onto the driveway, demolishing half a hedge in the process.

It was while I was poking around the detritus of the avalanche that I noticed a foot sticking out of the snow.

Needless to say, I went into a panic and frantically dug away the snow.  My suspicions were confirmed – it was the postman.

I cleared away the rest of the snow, and found what I was looking for.

I had been expecting that mug.  It is one of AJ’s and it’s lovely.

It’s a Twitter-mug that I won in a raffle held by McAWilliams.

It has my Twitter name on it and the icons of all my ‘followers’.

If you are really that jealous, you should head over and order one of your own!

As for the postman?

Unfortunately there isn’t another bin collection until next week.

• Around the garden
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Grandad February 10th, 2009

No doubt you are all aware that another of those days designed to make men miserable is fast approaching? 

I refer, of course to Valentine’s Day.

Like wedding anniversaries, this is a day full of pitfalls due to the ridiculous commercial hype that has brainwashed the world.  It is a day when women expect the world to lavish them with expensive gifts and too much attention.  It is a day when men lose, as their best is never good enough.

I decided to “celebrate” the occasion early, as most businesses fill fleece you on the day itself.

I told Herself yesterday that I had booked the Honeymoon Suite in a posh hotel the other side of the county.

She was delighted of course and went off and packed six suitcases for the night.

We piled all the luggage in the car and headed off yesterday afternoon.

We got as far as the Wicklow Gap, and of course got stuck in the snow.

Herself was very disappointed and started complaining that she was cold and hungry.

I wasn’t disappointed because I had more than a shrewd idea that this would happen.

In fact, I had packed a couple of blankets, a couple of door-stop hang sangwiches, a half bottle of vodka, a litre of whiskey and a paraffin stove.  I wasn’t in the Boy Scouts for nothing, you know.

We had a grand night, with the seats in the car let back.  The paraffin stove was a bit smelly but the drink went down a treat.  Herself actually got quite frisky after the vodka.

She was delighted with herself, and of course with me for being so romantically inclined.  After all, I wasn’t responsible for the snow?

Cost of hotel – nil.  [Actually, I never bothered booking in the first place]

Cost of trip – €10 or thereabouts.

Brownie Points earned – unlimited.

Sorted.

• On the road
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Grandad February 9th, 2009

Last December, I started playing around with that Twitter thing.

It is the most irritating head wrecker I have come across yet, but it is strangely intriguing.  Like all good car crashes, I want to tear myself away, but I still want to find out what happens next.

To those of you who haven’t been sucked into it, it is a cross between instant messaging and mini-blogging.  The weirdest thing is that there is a limit of 140 characters.  So I couldn’t write what I’m writing now.

One of the things that annoys me most is that all the messages aren’t connected, so you need a good memory to remember what you said to whom.  And we all know that memory isn’t my strong point. 

Say for example, someone sends me an email -

Grandad – you’re a wanker.

That’s fine because I can reply to that -

Why?

> Grandad – you’re a wanker.

On the other hand, if they use Twitter they send

@headrambles You’re a wanker

I reply

@barackobama Why?

And they reply

@headrambles Why what?

because they have forgotten the original message.

You can see where the confusion arises?

Another concept that has me confused is the business of following people.  As of this moment I have 127 people following me around the place.  Yesterday I had 128, but I seem to have lost one.  It’s very easy to get lost in the mountains, and I’m certainly not going out to look for them in this weather.  Why are these people following me?  It’s worse that the damned CIA, and it took me long enough to get rid of them.

Then of course there is the language associated with it.  Twitter.  Tweeting.  Retweet. Twits.  For fuck’s sake!

Most of the time I just switch it off.  All those little messages informing me of new Tweets gets very irritating.  Then when I switch it on again, I haven’t a clue what’s going on.

So I do what I do best.

Spread confusion and mayhem.

Excuse me now. 

I have some Twittering to do.

• Internet
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Grandad February 8th, 2009

Life is very quiet here at Head Rambles Manor.

I had a phone call in the early hours of yesterday morning, just after nine, from the BBC.  I was expecting them to phone at half ten so I was a little surprised.

It was a courtesy call to say that they wouldn’t be ringing me.

I suppose it is only polite to phone someone to tell them that you won’t be phoning them?

Apparently my interview was cancelled.  Something more important had come up. 

This confused me a bit, as I could think of few things more important than an interview with Grandad, but I assumed that World War Three had broken out and let it pass.

But then she revived my faith in humanity and said they would be ringing me later in the week for an extended interview.

Later in the day, I had a call from Michelle in Spin South West.  She interviewed me instead.

Apparently that station is aimed at 15 to 34 year olds, so at first I wondered why she wanted to talk to me.  But she is a Foin Young Ting, so I let it pass.

As I said, life is quiet.  Nothing much is happening around here.  I put it down to the fact that we are snowed in.

I went for a walk last night, but only got as far as the front gate.  The lane is like a skating rink, and I’m not going to risk a broken neck for anyone.

I think it’s going to be a quiet week ahead too.

It’s snowing heavily again.

• Around the house
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