Head Rambles

Grandad March 31st, 2009

There are times when I do things for a reason and there are times when I do things for no reason at all.

When I do things for no reason at all, there may be an obscure purpose or it may just be a random whim on the breeze.

The other day, for no reason other than it seemed like a good idea at the time, I applied to register ‘grandad.ie’.

The Irish Domain crowd are a weird lot.  You can’t just walk in the door and expect to get something from them.  You have to grovel a bit.

So I grovelled.

Those very nice people in Blacknight helped a little bit too.  They did their bit of grovelling.

Anyway, the upshot is – This site is now grandad.ie as well as headrambles.com.

It won’t make any difference.  I hope.

It’s just a bit of fun.

It opens up possibilities though for nice email addresses [as if I didn’t have enough already], and who knows?

I might even change the name of the site sometime?

• Around the house
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Grandad March 30th, 2009

I’m sure you are all gagging to know what was in that parcel I had delivered last Friday.

I’m sorry for spoiling your weekend with the anticipation, but you can relax now, as I will tell you.

It was a camera.

Up to now, I have been using a Konica Minolta Dimage Z2 which was a nice camera.  It was a nice camera to use, but it had small limitations.

I decided to treat myself to a new one as a sort of belated birthday present, so I bought myself a Canon PowerShot SX10IS.

The old and the new.

One of the many reasons I got this particular model was that it has an excellent telephoto lens.

Why would I want a telephoto lens, I hear you ask.

You see, I live up the mountains, which means I look down on people without fear of being accused of being a snob.  Being on a height I can look into peoples back gardens and their bedroom windows.  Telephoto lenses are very important to me.

I did some messing around with it over the weekend.  I stuck it on a tripod and aimed it out the window, because it was fucking cold and I didn’t see why I should go outdoors.  I took this photo -

Without moving the camera, but just changing a couple of settings, I got this one –

In case you are wondering, Those daffydowndillies are the little yellow blodge at the bottom of the tree in the first photograph.

I don’t know about you, but I’m impressed. 

I won’t go into all the technical explanations of what the camera can do because I’m sure you would find that boring, and people who brag about their technical specifications are only trying to impress themselves, and probably suffer from Small Penis Syndrome.

So am I going to take lots of photographs?

Yes.

Am I going to publish them here and turn this into a ‘photoblog’?

No.

Go take your own.

• Rambles
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Grandad March 29th, 2009

There has been quite a response to my ‘Ask Grandad’ slot.  Unfortunately, I shall not be able to reply to them all today.

I am delighted that I started this feature, as I had no idea that you were such a troubled bunch.  Please don’t worry though; help is at hand.

AM I A RACIST?

My first troubled soul is Banjo who wants to know if he [or she?] is a racist.

Dear Grandad

I’ve become concerned over that last few weeks that my views on important issues concerning modern Direland could be construed as Racist.

Just to clarify, I have no issues with people of different skin colour. Nor people of different religious inclinations, I pity everyone who believes that rubbish.

My issue is with Gingers, yes I know that might seem minor but i do consider them a blight on dirish society. A friend recently implied that such a personal distain could be classified as racist, i found this disheartening as I value their opinion and it forced me to miss a perfectly good shot on a free range ginger polluting the Wicklow hills….

My question to you is Should I deal with my personal dislike of the ginger or should I just dye my friends head red and declare him fair game?

Banjo

Dear Banjo,

Of course you are not a racist.  It is perfectly natural to look down on those who are inferior to us, and who is lower on the food chain than Gingers?

Has it ever occurred to you why Gingers have red hair?  This is because God [or Darwin] wanted them to stand out from the crowd, and to make them easier to spot in the woods. 

I have a strong suspicion that your ‘friend’ may in fact be a Ginger in disguise.  A few do try to dye their hair to give them a feeling of superiority, and it just goes to show how devious Gingers can be.  What other reason could there be for his outlandish accusation other than he is trying to make excuses for himself?  I would suggest that he should be your next target.

Put your mind at rest.  You are not a racist.  You a perfectly well balanced member of society.

Happy hunting.

Grandad

My next question is delving into the realms of philosophy.  Either that or he is just being a smart-arse.

Obscurity

How can you be in two places at once when you’re really
nowhere at all ?

Robert W. Gately

I might have known it was him.  *sigh*

Dear Robert,

If I’m nowhere at all, then I don’t exist, and obviously you think I exist otherwise you wouldn’t be writing to me.  If you don’t think I’m anywhere, then you cannot be writing to me, and must be writing to yourself.  While this is a perfectly reasonable way of passing the time it is not to be recommended, as it tends to clog up the Interweb.

Being in two places at once is one of the telling symptoms of a dual personality [I remember that from one of my early sessions in The Big House].  Do you find yourself sometimes talking in a different voice?  Do you sometimes find yourself somewhere and wonder how you got there?  Do you occasionally find the kitchen covered in blood and wonder what the hell happened?

Even from this distance, I can diagnose Paranoid Schizophrenia with Multiple Personality Disorder, so I would suggest you get professional help.

I would help you myself, but I can’t be in two places at once [not since they cured me, anyway].

I hope that helps?

Grandad

So there you have it.  Two happy people who had problems , and now don’t.

Do you have a problem?

Just Ask Grandad

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Grandad March 28th, 2009

I watched the Late Late Show last night.

Well – you never know what strange or startling things you might miss?

At the end of the first segment, which was so boring, I can’t even remember what it was about, Plank gave one of his witty little teasers -

‘I have something to tell you that will please a lot of people and disappoint some others.  Come back after the break.’

‘Good God! He’s quitting the show,’ I shouted in amazement.

‘Don’t be daft. He probably has some tatty prize to give away, or something.’  Herself isn’t Plank’s biggest fan.

When the show resumed after the break, he made his announcement – He is quitting the show.

Of course, I was devastated.

I shall really miss Plank.

I shall miss those classic moments, such as the time he kicked the toy up the arse on the Toy Show and made a little girl cry.  I shall miss those moments where the questions are so embarrassing that the victim interviewee squirms in their seat.  I shall miss his little witty comments.  I shall miss the cute way he tries to put on a different voice when he is phoning someone.

Plank then went on to interview some tart and asked her about her breast reduction operation.  It was patently obvious that she was annoyed at the question and didn’t want to talk about it, but Plank in his own inimitable style pursued the topic to a point where I thought she was going to run off screaming.  It was classic Plank.

Yes.  I’m going to miss him.

The Late Late Show will never be the same again.

Thank God.

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Grandad March 27th, 2009

A lot of you have submitted problems to the Ask Grandad page [except, of course Brianf who doesn’t understand what a form is].

I had no idea so many of you had problems, or indeed the severity of them.

I know you are all desperate for solutions, but I’m afraid you will have to wait.  If I answered them as they arrived, things would get scrappy, so I think the best thing to do is to chose a day of the week which I can dedicate as my surgery day.

Is everyone free on Sundays?

• Advice
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