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Grandad March 11th, 2009
I just had a browse through the things people are looking for on this site.
It is quite a while since I did this, which is a bit remiss of me, because I like to think of this site as a public service. If people are looking for answers, then I have an obligation to try to help.
The first thing that struck me is that there are as many people searching for Roisín Ingles as there are searching for Head Rambles. I would like to make it quite plain that I am not Roisín Ingles. There are some subtle differences between us, such as my beard [which is longer] and the fact that I’m not expecting twins, but I can understand peoples confusion.
So let’s have a look at the list:
[note the use of the colon!]
“read the small print”
Yes. This is good advice, though when you are searching for that on the Interweb, I’d advise you to read the small print first.
“man married a cow”
Could be worse. He could have married a bull?
“Sharon Ní Bheoláin pics”
Fuck off. She’s mine.
“how can i stop my greyhound wetting her bed?”
I can answer this one. Just get her to sleep on your bed.
“alternative methods to celebrating holy thursday”
The world is your oyster. You could go out and get drunk? You could marry a cow? You could try to swim the Atlantic? Have you no imagination?
“should i boil or bake the cow bone for my dogs?”
I would suggest frying it in a drizzle of virgin olive oil with just a garnish of rosemary.
“how to stop wasps from returning to their old nests”
Get a barring order.
“what does a healthy cock look like?”
I’m not really an expert on this, but I would imagine that if his eyes are bright and his plumage is glossy then you are probably OK. Ask a vet.
“what bags do grandads carry around”
Apart from Herself? None.
“damien rice wanker”
Fuck off, Twenty. You have your own blog.
“i can’t afford to pay my television licence”
I’m sorry to hear that. Flog your television on eBay and you’ll have enough cash for it.
“something killing something”
This is what I call a precise search. Too precise for me to answer.
“grandad has a big dick”
Now that you mention it……… How did you know? Is that you, Sharon?
“52 years old and still having wet dreams”
Good for you! Don’t knock it.
“how to improve your aim”
Raise the seat and then stand with your feet each side of the bowl. Squat if necessary.
“how do you make yourself have wet dreams”
Sleep in the bath, idiot.
“what’s a wanker”
Just look in the mirror.
“what kind of food makes you get thick”
I don’t know, but I think you have eaten some?
I could go on, as there are around 500 of them, but I’m getting dizzy.
Social responsibility is a heavy burden.
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Heh heh very funny. I had people arrive at my one with ‘pee is thick and slimey’, ‘dressed in drag’ and ‘what do giblets look like’
Looks as though Supershadow has been on the Net again.
I’ll have to contact Google, they were suppose to have deleted those searches, so much for the incognito mode of Chrome.
Ah, Grandad, you’re good to the people. So many answers!
This post reminds me of my librarian days … I think I need my pills now, and a lie down. Yes, a few hours in a fetal position, under a duvet, might be just what I need to keep the flashbacks away…
Jack – What the hell are you writing about to invite such people?
Ian – Please don’t mention that tosser. You’ll only encourage him. Actually, I thank the second last one was from him after a mail I sent him.
Jim C – Heh! Come on – which are yours? How are you getting on with the cow?
Susan – Flashbacks are a bugger. Try Prozac. It works for me.
My greyhound doesn’t wet anybody’s bed – least of all hers … but I have heard it is quite a common occurence with ex-racing females!
Fascinating searches – I just get people looking for patatas bravas and how to bottle fruit on mine!
I am obviously very boring and not worthy of the more exciting searches…… ah well…
The truth’s been shown and it’s hard to take.
I dared to fire up Woopra (handy isn’t it?) to check what my visitors search for and it wasn’t pretty. If I was to attempt to make a list like yours it would include two things only:
Firefox
and
Groundhogs (Punxutawney Phil to be exact)
Well…
God there are some weird nutters out there that read blogs…. [reaches for pills]
i don’t keep a particularly close eye on the traffic I get or what brings it tome, but I don’t think I’ve had anything half as exciting as many of those terms. I often use lyrics from songs as post titles so I get a good few hits from people googling those. when i first started out i posted pictures of attractive young ladies in state of semi-undress once or twice, just to see what kind of traffic it would bring me. A frightening amount, as it turned out. But they never stayed to chat.
My greyhound never gets out of his bed long enough to wet it, lazy sod.
Nice one, GD, I reckon you have a good future as an agony aunt ahead of you.