Archive for March, 2009

Morally reprehensible

March 13th, 2009

They tell us that this is the worst crisis to hit Ireland possibly since the Famine.

‘Ireland is going down the toilet and we must all pull together,’ they say.

We must be patriotic and shop at home and forgo foreign holidays as things really are that bad.

I am beginning to believe them, just from the sheer scale of the cuts they have introduced.

Our health service has been very badly hit by cutbacks as has the education system.  Various sectors of society have been singled out for cuts.  People are being asked to take pay cuts just so that the country can survive.  Our youth and our elderly and infirm are taking the hardest hits.

The other night I was amused to hear a joke that some of our TDs are getting pay rises.

Yesterday I learned that it isn’t a joke.

Those incompetent corrupt scheming bastards are getting a pay rise when they are screaming at the rest of us to take cuts?

What fucking planet are they on?

Twenty six of or nation’s finest are being given an extra €3,000 per year.  Twelve more are to receive €2,200.

I also hear that our illustrious Minister for Tourism Martin Cullen is flying to the States for Paddy’s Day.  He is flying Executive rather than economy because he would otherwise find the flight uncomfortable due to his long legs.  Another €3,000. 

This is apparently a time of crisis.  All hands to the pumps time.  But these wankers are shutting up shop for three weeks so they can enjoy their Paddy’s Day.

I know the amounts involved are not big.  What is a few thousand when the problem runs to billions?  But that is not the point.

The point is in the principle.

They are asking us to take the pain.  They are asking us to pay more and earn less, and they should lead by example.  There should be no exceptions for them unless they are prepared to make exceptions for us, which they aren’t.

Morally, they are indefensible.

How much longer are we going to put up with this crap?

My guide to a happy life

March 12th, 2009

When I worked in RTE we had a great perk.

People used to assume that we got free television licences, but we didn’t.  Being caught without one was actually a sackable offence, along with hitting the boss or getting someone pregnant.

People used to assume that I had free access to the Late Late Show.  Frankly, if it had been compulsory to attend that, I would have been sacked immediately. 

So what was this fantastic perk that we got?

A free RTE Guide!

I will be honest and say that I was never a great fan of the Guide.  It was useless for lighting fires with as the damned paper was impossible to burn.  They also printed it on very smooth shiny paper, so it was useless for wiping your arse with; it just shifted the shit around, as it were.

In the mid nineties, finances got a bit tight.  It was around the time they spent around a third of a million upgrading the toilets on the executive floor, so sacrifices had to be made.  The Guide was one of them.  They cancelled our perk.

I was devastated.  It wasn’t so much a case of losing the Guide as fury that my one and only perk had been removed.

A few weeks ago, a large envelope arrived at the house.  Inside was an invite to the Pensioner’s Dinner and an RTE Guide.

Wow!  It was just like old times.

Since then, every week a Guide pops through the letterbox.

So my perk has returned, even though I no longer work there.

Is this by way of an apology for removing it in the nineties?  Are they trying to tell me how much they miss me?  Do they want me back?

Life is full of surprised and delights.

But it’s still printed on non-flammable slidey paper.

Search me

March 11th, 2009

I just had a browse through the things people are looking for on this site. 

It is quite a while since I did this, which is a bit remiss of me, because I like to think of this site as a public service.  If people are looking for answers, then I have an obligation to try to help.

The first thing that struck me is that there are as many people searching for Roisín Ingles as there are searching for Head Rambles.  I would like to make it quite plain that I am not Roisín Ingles.  There are some subtle differences between us, such as my beard [which is longer] and the fact that I’m not expecting twins, but I can understand peoples confusion.

So let’s have a look at the list:

[note the use of the colon!]

“read the small print”

Yes.  This is good advice, though when you are searching for that on the Interweb, I’d advise you to read the small print first.

“man married a cow”

Could be worse.  He could have married a bull?

“Sharon Ní Bheoláin pics”

Fuck off.  She’s mine.

“how can i stop my greyhound wetting her bed?”

I can answer this one.  Just get her to sleep on your bed.

“alternative methods to celebrating holy thursday”

The world is your oyster.  You could go out and get drunk?  You could marry a cow?  You could try to swim the Atlantic?  Have you no imagination?

“should i boil or bake the cow bone for my dogs?”

I would suggest frying it in a drizzle of virgin olive oil with just a garnish of rosemary.

“how to stop wasps from returning to their old nests”

Get a barring order.

“what does a healthy cock look like?”

I’m not really an expert on this, but I would imagine that if his eyes are bright and his plumage is glossy then you are probably OK.  Ask a vet.

“what bags do grandads carry around”

Apart from Herself?  None.

“damien rice wanker”

Fuck off, Twenty.  You have your own blog.

“i can’t afford to pay my television licence”

I’m sorry to hear that.  Flog your television on eBay and you’ll have enough cash for it.

“something killing something”

This is what I call a precise search.  Too precise for me to answer.

“grandad has a big dick”

Now that you mention it………  How did you know?  Is that you, Sharon?

“52 years old and still having wet dreams”

Good for you!  Don’t knock it.

“how to improve your aim”

Raise the seat and then stand with your feet each side of the bowl.  Squat if necessary.

“how do you make yourself have wet dreams”

Sleep in the bath, idiot.

“what’s a wanker”

Just look in the mirror.

“what kind of food makes you get thick”

I don’t know, but I think you have eaten some?

I could go on, as there are around 500 of them, but I’m getting dizzy. 

Social responsibility is a heavy burden.

Problems with the colon

March 10th, 2009

I suppose as education goes, I had a fairly good one.

I attended a normal school where we had the shite kicked out of us every day.  Rulers, canes and The Leather were the order of the day, and we wore our bruises with pride.

By the time I left school. I knew such things as the capital of Iceland, and how glaciers change the landscape.  I could speak Irish and English and I was a cracker at mental arithmetic.

I didn’t particularly enjoy English as a subject.  I didn’t hate it by any means, but I preferred geography and physics.  It certainly wasn’t as bad as Latin which was the greatest pain in the hole.

My love of language comes not from the teaching, but rather from my love of books.  However, while books may increase the vocabulary, there are certain basic elements that apparently have to be taught.

I was taught the difference between ‘their’, ‘they’re’ and ‘there’.  I know when to use ‘its’ and when to use ‘it’s’.  I know the difference between ‘man’s’ and ‘mans’’.

All in all, I know the essentials of punctuation, EXCEPT for the damned colon and semi-colon.

What the fuck do you do with them?  Where do I use a semi-colon; and where do I use a colon?

I know the colon is pretty handy when it comes to making smileys, and The Interweb wouldn’t work if we used HTTP//, but where does it fit in everyday writing?

Similarly, the semi-colon is quite useful if you are doing any scripting such as PHP or Javascript, but where does it fit in a sentence?

I need help on this one.

I must have missed that day when they taught it.

I was probably behind the bicycle shed being touched up by the French teacher.

Communal printing

March 9th, 2009

I went off and bought myself a printer over the weekend.

First of all, I had difficulty finding the shop as it was in an office park that I swear wasn’t there last week.  It’s in an area that I know very well, as I use to hand out in the local pub there in my younger days.  However, there is nothing left of the old area, and I mean nothing.  Everything has been dredged away for motorways and new roads, and anything that once looked green has now been concreted over with endless apartment blocks, office parks and industrial estates.

I found it in the end, and took a stroll in.

I never realised there were so many different types of printers, so I poked around for a while until a sales bloke took pity on me.

Luckily, I knew exactly what I wanted.  I wanted a printer, a scanner, a fax and a scanner all in one.  I also wanted it to be wireless, as I was sick of trying to print things only to find that the PC in the office wasn’t switched on.

The sales bloke obviously had never worked in a DIY store, because he was very helpful and found a machine that was exactly what I wanted.  What’s more, it was less than €120 which wasn’t bad.

 printer

I brought it home and that’s where my problems started.

There is an old cliché in the computer world that the solution to all problems is RTFM.  If you don’t know what RTFM is, then Google it.  My problem was that there wasn’t a FM.  There was a guide on connecting it, which was fair enough.  I had to use its cables rather than the old ones that I had been using, so I got myself tied in knots running wires and stuff all over the place. 

I then installed the software. 

Even though it was a wireless printer, I had to connect to it with a wire, which was tricky as there wasn’t a spare desk near the printer, so I had to work off the floor.  I got it set up; disconnected the cable and it worked!

I then ran tests to see if it was OK, and the printer worked, but the fax didn’t.

Not having a FM, I was a bit stumped.  The trick I discovered was to reinstall everything, only this time connecting using the wireless.

I sent a fax this morning.

There were no instructions on how to do it, so I don’t know whether it worked.  They probably got a blank page as I probably put the paper in upside down.

The printer works well though.

One of my neighbours has accidentally hooked up to it and is printing off all his accounts.

I like wireless.

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