Archive for April, 2009

Rasher Rash

April 30th, 2009

I watched the BBC news the other night.

The majority of the programme was devoted to this Swine Flu thing.

We were shown lots of film of laboratories and test tubes and people wearing masks.  We were treated to an interview with a bloke who has suspected flue, while he hung out of his bedroom window.  We were even brought to the grave of ‘the first person to die’ from the flu.

What in the name of all that’s holy is this about?

For fuck’s sake, it’s a dose of the sniffles.  The way they are going on about it, you would swear that Ebola was rampant and about to wipe out half the population of the world.

There is a strange phenomenon these days where the media and spin people fall madly in love with words.  We have been through “economic downturn” and “toxic debt”.  Now we are into “pandemic” [Jayzus, but how they love that word] and “alert level”.  They are wetting themselves in the meeja now because the “alert level” has been raised and a “pandemic is imminent”. 

Let’s look at some facts here.

This is a normal outbreak of influenza.  Nothing more, nothing less.  The only difference seems to be that it is a little more contagious than normal.  So what?  So more of us are going to be coughing and sneezing than usual?

The big fear seems to be the mortality rate.  What mortality rate?  Outside Mexico, one child has died.  One child?  This is a threat to humanity?  Get a fucking grip!

Would it surprise you to learn that in the United States, over 14,000 people die from influenza each year and over 40,000 from related complications?  Now this is happening every year, but we never hear anything about it so why is this “swine flu” any different?

We are being bombarded with pictures of people wearing face masks and notices warning people not to travel.

Me?  I’m stocking up on whiskey.  You can’t beat getting hammered for forgetting your sniffles.

One good thing that has come out of it though.

Miss Piggy has crawled out from under her rock and has fucked off to Switzerland for a conference.

maryharney

Maybe in her absence we should ban all travel to or from Ireland to stop her getting back in?

Now, that would be healthy.

National Grandparents Day

April 29th, 2009

I see National Grandparents Day is coming up soon.

Grandparents will be welcome into schools across Ireland next month, so we can tell them about our youth and how things were in our days.

In return, the grandchildren are going to teach us how to access the Interweb, and if we are very good, they’ll show us how to send an e-mail.

Wow!

I often wondered what all this Interweb thing is about, and I would love to be able to send an e-mail.  I can hardly contain myself with excitement.  In fact, I have to wear two pairs of incontinence pads, as the anticipation is unbearable.

In return, apart from giving them the benefit of our vast experience, we have to give them tea and biscuits that we have made ourselves.  I didn’t realise that making a cup of tea was an ancient and dying art?  You learn something new every day.

I am counting down the days now.  I am going to insist that they teach me the Interweb and e-mail thing first, just in case I have a heart attack and can’t finish the day.  I don’t see why they should benefit while I get nothing in return.

Then I will teach them about the Good Old Days back when I was a lad.

First of all, I will leather the shite out of them so they can experience first hand how we started our day.  Then I will teach them real mathematics, by first destroying all their calculators and computers and then teaching them the glories of log tables.  Next, I will give them twenty minutes to learn the entire works of Shakespeare off by heart, and any child who fails to do so will be torn limb from limb and hung from the school rafters as an example to the rest.

Finally, I shall teach them the really important things that I learned at school.  By the end of the day, the survivors should be proficient in the great arts of poker playing, joint rolling and weapon concealment.

I think the whole thing is a great idea.  I can’t wait.

Afterwards, with a bit of luck, I will actually be able to e-mail you all and tell you how it went.

Damn!

Now I have to change those pads again.

Flushed with money

April 28th, 2009

There were a few strange things that developed during the Affluent Years.

Two of them I have already mentioned – the obsessions with SUVs and electronic gates. 

I can understand these up to a point.

Ownership of an SUV was a public statement – “look at me.  I have arrived!”  It was an ostentatious display of wealth along the lines of a Prada handbag or membership of the K-Club.  The fact that the owners couldn’t drive the fucking things was irrelevant.

Electronic gates were presumably a statement to the world that the owners of the property had vast wealth that needed protecting, and they were much too exclusive to accept casual callers anyway.

But there was another obsession though which baffles me.

Apparently you are considered to be the lowest form of pond life if you don’t have more bathrooms than bedrooms in your house.

I have seen houses advertised with five bedrooms, all en suite, a main bathroom and a downstairs cloakroom.  What in the name of all that’s holy is that all about?  Five bedrooms and seven toilets?

Of course it is de rigeur to refer to them as en suites.  The upper crust don’t have such vulgar things as toilets.  Some referred to them as ‘rest rooms’ which is an Americanism I just don’t understand.  Who the fuck goes to rest in a jax?

Here in Head Rambles Manor, we still have the outside chemical toilet.  I use it now for storing logs, which is kind of appropriate when you think about it?  We modernised a few years ago and got an inside one that actually flushes, if you manage to wiggle the lever in a certain way.  We spend a minute fraction of our day in there, doing what has to be done.

So why does anyone need a jax in every bedroom?  Is there an almighty epidemic of incontinence?  Have people lost the run of their bowels as well as their bank accounts? How many toilets can you use at one time, for Heaven’s sake!

Why the hell can’t they piss in a shoe like the rest of us?

Roisin Ingle

April 27th, 2009

What the hell is going on?

For the last few days, this site has been inundated with visitors looking for information on Roisin Ingle.

I would like to make it quite clear that I am not Roisin Ingle, or even Róisín Ingle.  I don’t know the woman, and I doubt I would know her if I ran over her in my car.  Is it her beard that causes the confusion?  Or the fact that she smokes a pipe?

I know she writes things for the Irish Times, and I know that she is pregnant.  I also know that she is expecting twins and is to have a caesarean section.  I know all this, because Herself reads the Irish Times and insists on telling me all about it, whether I want to know about it or not.  In this particular case, it’s not.

I deny vehemently having anything to do with the twins, and am quite prepared to take a DNA test.  That alone points to my innocence, as in 99% of cases, I will refuse such a test, just in case.  This time though, I know I am in the clear.

I know a few of you Ingleseekers are going to read this page, so maybe one of you would like to tell my why you are all looking for her here?

I suppose it could be worse though.

You could be looking for John Waters.

I have been defamed

April 26th, 2009

I despise the tabloid press.

They go for the sensationalist, cheap headlines and don’t give a damn for truth and honesty.  Their motto is ‘sales above all else’ and many an honest upright citizen has been trampled by their voracious appetite for lurid headlines.

I am sad to say that I have been the victim of their latest sensationalism.

Imagine my horror and disgust when I read this cheap nasty bit of gutter journalism yesterday.

I normally only read that site just to make sure that it is still there, and yesterday, I was wading through the lies, the innuendo and the fifth rate writing when I came across this line -

“I’m the daughter of a USaphobe”

Apart from the fact that there is no such word, this is obviously a pathetic attempt to slur my name by making me out to be some kind of hater of Americans.

Of course, my regular readers will know that this is a blatant lie.  I know that Americans have their little foibles.  There is the fact that they can’t spell.  We all know that they have no sense of humour.  We have all been irritated with their loud grating accent and their complete inability to take a joke, but apart from those minor factors, Americans are lovely people.  I welcome Americans with loaded open arms.

I am of course initiating legal proceedings against that rag.

I shall demand a full and contrite apology, and compensation commensurate with my standing in the community.

Until then, if she wants me to any babysitting, she can fucking whistle.

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