Head Rambles

Grandad April 5th, 2009

Career Choice

I have worked in the IT industry for a number of years as a contract systems administrator. Most of my contracts have been with Government Departments/ State Agencies. During the last ten years I have hugely benefitted from the Celtic tiger as I have been severely overpaid and seriously underworked.

Given the current state of the Public Coffers and the impending Budget of Doom it’s looking more likely that this line of work is just about to dry up.

Can you recommend another line of work that I can get into, one in which I am paid vast sums of money for doing fuck all so that I can keep feeding my ever growing cocaine and hooker habit?

Yours Snort-Shaggingly,

Jack.

Dear Jack,

The position of Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources shall be available shortly.

I think that fulfils all your criteria?

Grandad.

This next reader wishes to remain anonymous which under the circumstances, I am not surprised.

Small Knob

I have a small knob. I wonder does size really matter or do people just try to make themselves feel better?

If I had a bigger one, would it help to open doors for me or should I just stick with the handle I have?

Confused from Cavan

Dear Maxi,

There are quite a few people in this world with small knobs, and I wouldn’t worry about it too much.  Size is not normally an issue, as the most important quality is grip.  If you have a small knob, and your hands are sweaty, you may find that you need to grip a little harder.  In extreme cases, it may be necessary to roughen the surface of your knob a bit by rubbing it with coarse sandpaper.

Should your knob become damaged in any way, then I think the best recourse would be to remove it altogether.  Maybe you could consider opening up your passageway to allow complete freedom of entry?

Grandad

Do you have a problem you couldn’t share with a priest/doctor/counsellor and would like honest and profoundly useful advice? Just Ask Grandad.

• Advice
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Grandad April 4th, 2009

Hello.

Please, do not be surprise – this letter is not a spam one. [Oh, yes it is]

You will probably be amazed of the fact that I am writing you an e-mail. [not really] Yesterday I myself was amazed too, when saw your letter in my e-mail box. The letter was about love and sensations among people. [No. Actually it was about sex]  The motto of the letter was like this «search for love and you’ll become happy». I liked this letter very much. There was a list of e-mails where I found yours. I decided to write you. Maybe you are seeking love too? [Yes, if you are talking about a bit of the other]  Maybe it’s our destiny?

I do not know actually who was the person that had sent me that e-mail and how did he get my e-mail address.

I think it is not important. The most amazing thing is that I can write you. I would like to know more about you. [Eight inches, though I say so myself]  Providing that it is me who is the first to write, I want to say some words of my personality. [Fire away] 

My name is Irina. I am 30 years old. I have never been married and have no children. [Frigid or ugly?] 

I am cute, calm, kind and sociable. [So far, so good] 

I think it is interesting to talk with you and discover new features of yours… [There is only one feature that matters]  Discover you as a person. I am a serious woman and I am looking for serious relations. [Fuck! We were doing well up to now]  For me it means no deception, no double jokes. [Bollox!]  I am looking for a real person who will manage to love and respect me. I hope you are searching for your love, too. [I’m trying to avoid her at the moment] 

I do not think that in love-relations age and appearance have any importance. The chief factor for me is ability to love and respect seriously! [I am very serious about my rumpy pumpy] 

I have lots of hobbies and interests in life. Among them you will find sport, [Oh shit! No.] cooking, books reading and definitely music. I am going crazy about housekeeping and house holding. [You can hold my house any time, Baby]  I like tiding up [I have never tried that?] and general cleaning. I am keen on experimenting in my kitchen. [Yes!! Over the kitchen sink is nice.]  I love changes. [Have you ever tried it on a combine harvester?  Brilliant!] 

I am fond of animals and prefer to lead a healthy lifestyle, thus, I do not smoke or use alcohol. [But surely you have a cigarette afterwards?] 

Hey, my new pen-friend. What can you tell me about yourself? I want to learn more about you. [I told you – eight inches.  But by now it’s nearer twelve.] 

In my future letter I will describe my character and my personality more precisely. [Ah! Who gives a fuck about them?] 

Definitely, I will send you some of my photographs. It will help you to understand who I am and where I live. My photos will reveal all parts of my life [Make that ‘body’, if you please]  – my happiness, my pensiveness and sometimes melancholy.

Please reply only to my personal e-mail

I am looking forward to your reply. I am really interested in knowing you better. [You shall ‘know’ me intimately] 

Remember of me.
Your new friend,
Irina.

Holy FUCK!!!!

Geronimo!!!!

• spam
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Grandad April 3rd, 2009

I phoned Sky Television yesterday.

I don’t often phone them and had forgotten that they have a rather messy menu system on their phone.

I was asked if I was a new customer, an existing customer, an old customer returning to the fold or someone who was just moving house.  I told them I was an existing customer.

I was then given a bewildering array of options, none of which seemed to fit my purposes, so I pressed 7 for ‘other’.  That brought me back to the start again.

I pressed a few numbers at random and ended up talking to a rather tasty sounding girl.  She asked me the usual questions, such as my name, address, what I had for breakfast, what I thought of the G20 talks, and eventually she asked me what I wanted.

I said I wanted to complain about the utter shite on all the channels.  I said that out of all the five hundred or so channels I had available, there was nothing worth while watching on any of them. 

‘You are not happy with the content of the channels?’ she asked.

‘That’s it,’ I said.  ‘They are all crap.’

‘But we only supply the channels.  The broadcasters provide the content.  You would need to complain to them.’

‘No,’ I said.  ‘They are the manufacturers, and you are the supplier, and under the Sale of Goods Act it is the supplier who is responsible.’

She thought about this for a moment and suggested that I subscribe to the Sports Package.

‘I hate sports,’ I said.

There was a long pause.

Eventually she spoke.  ‘You hate sports?’

‘Yup,’ I replied.  ‘Football is the worst but any sport is a complete waste of time.’

‘That is the fist time in my life that I have ever heard a man say that.  Could you repeat it?’

‘I fucking hate sport,’ I said obligingly.

For some reason, she went off into a fit of giggles and it was about two minutes before she could speak again.

‘I don’t know what to say,’ says she.  ‘I never thought I would hear that.  You are unique.’

She got that bit right.

• Television
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Grandad April 2nd, 2009

You all know me by now.

I am not one for complaining or moaning.  I am a very placid person who takes life as it comes, looks it in the face and them maybe gives it a wee kick in the bollix [just for fun].

On thing that has been pissing me off for a while now though is my Interweb speed. 

Don’t get me wrong.  My Interweb connection is pretty hot, for Ireland.  I know some of you bitch about your 50Mb connections [fucking bastards], but I’m happy if I can download something in less time than it takes to make a cup of tea.  It is working perfectly, and has been for quite a while; saying which is a guarantee that it will break down today…

I decided that the problem lay with my browser.  I was sick of it waiting ages for a site to load and than proudly displaying a blank screen with “done” written smugly on the status bar thing. 

It took me a long time to decide it was the browser, because I use Firefox, and I like and trust Firefox.  I tried Internet Explorer, but that heap of shit took about half an hour to load before it even failed to find a site.  So I downloaded the latest version of Firefox, which they tell me is 3.1b3.

There must be something seriously amiss somewhere with my old version, because the new one left the traps faster than Spanner chasing a bit of skirt.  It is blistering along.  Videos are loading without any stutter and pages appear before I have even decided to select them.  I love it.

I was browsing away happily.  I was viewing things in my Google Reader, and the latter was marking things as read immediately, whereas before I had to reload Google.  I was flitting around the news sites, and all the videos were blasting away in the background.

I decided to check my bank account.

I got a nearly blank screen.

It said to me in a tone that only a bank manager can use, that I am using an unsupported browser.  It had the fucking neck to suggest that I try Firefox!

I went back to my older version of Firefox and it worked.  Slowly.

I’m now back to my new version and things are pissing along again.

Fucking banks.

It’s no wonder the country is in a state of chassis. 

• Internet
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Grandad April 1st, 2009

I know you are all intrigued by the work being carried out at Head Rambles Manor.  I haven’t mentioned it in a while, because there was nothing to mention.

The job was completed some time ago, and I was just waiting on some final deliveries.

The last bits arrived today, so I am now waiting for the blind man to come and fix them in.

The blind man was here a few weeks ago.  He’s a very nice chap, and I asked him whether he preferred to be called the ‘blind man’ or the ‘visually impaired person’ because in these days of political correctness, one can’t be too careful.  He said that ‘blind man’ was fine with him, and he went on to show us a nice range of blinds for the windows.  They had to be made up especially, and they arrived this morning.

Sandy doing a final quality control check.

It’s a lovely room.

The walls are solid granite, and the windows are made of shatterproof glass with full sound insulation.

It even has its own little toilet.

You could say it has all modern conveniences?

It has some extra features that aren’t in the photographs, like a little food hatch in the door, which only has a handle on the outside, and there is a beautiful little cast iron ring embedded in one of the walls, to attach the chains to.

I hope Herself will be very happy up there.

I know I will be very happy down here.

• Around the house
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