Walking The Plank
Grandad May 29th, 2009
I have been looking forward to this day for a long time.
Ten years in fact.
You see, Herself developed a fondness for the Late Late Show back in the glory days when it was inventing sex and generally causing outrage.
Then The Plank took over, but for some reason her fascination didn’t dwindle that much. Now she hates The Plank almost as much as I do, but every Friday night she has this strange compulsion to switch over ‘just to see what’s on’. When she does switch over it is nearly always The Plank making a complete arse of himself with some incredibly boring twat, but that doesn’t stop her doing it.
There have been many Friday evenings where the basball bat met the frying pan in a struggle for the remote control, and I suppose those fun days are over now.
Today, The Plank walks.
It is truly a momentous occasion for Irish Television, and for myself, as I will finally be able to come off my Friday doses of Prozac and Valium.
I will possibly even watch the last show.
I know it is going to have an astronomically high cringe factor, and doubtless lots of people are going to sing Plank’s praises. However I know that they are all just saying that for the cameras, and that underneath, they are as glad to see the back of him as I am.
We have yet to see what kind of fist young Twiglet Tubridy will make of it. He too will probably make a hames of the whole thing. Unfortunately, I shall miss his baptism as I shall be out of the country in September.
I shall miss The Plank.
His very presence raised the standards of all other programmes.
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- Comments(9)
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Jeez, it’s only a chatshow on a piddly little station …
Tony S – It may only be a chatshow to you, Mate, but it’s a major catshow in this house. That fecker has cost me a fortune in pints.
Be honest. You just want to see Pat cry on screen.
Or would you rather apply the pliers yourself?
Will – I don’t give a shit if he cries on screen as long as he fecks off when the show is over.
Will he not launch a legal battle to claim ownership of part of RTE on the basis that he’s been there so fucking long. Ah, sure, he’s only a chemical engineer, they’re all dodgey, making their own drugs and all
Good riddance. I might pay my licence now. Might.
TLLS is on in the background here…and, even with all the sickening tributes the Plank-lovers of Ireland are giving him, he is still Plank-like and still making a complete arse of himself. Christ – here’s Joe Duffy to lick the plank….aaagh
It’s an open secret in RTE that Pat has secured a slot in Fair City. He’ll play a working-class, 30 year old inner-city mechanic called Kenny Patterson. An early script nugget was leaked to the press:
Kenny Patterson: Jaysus, would yi look at de bleedin hoop on yer wan?
Leo Dowling: Feck’s sake Kenny, she’s young enough ti be yer daughter.
Kenny Patterson: That’s how I roll Leo. Pat Kenny is an equal opportunities love machine. Young, old, fat or fatter.
Leo Dowling: You mean Kenny Patterson?
Kenny Patterson: Hah?
Leo Dowling: You said Pat Kenny. Come to think of it, you bare a striking resemblance to The Plank.
Kenny Patterson: I’ll plank you, wha?
…and so forth.
Pat is Ireland’s Letterman and Leno combined. A genius in front of the camera with his smooth interaction with guests of all ages. He brought TV alive when HD was an acronym for Hello Dolly. 7 Days was lightning when he took on the issues and the transistor in the morning with his show practically crackles with his wit and conversation.
‘Nurse nurse I think my medication has stopped working….’