Archive for May, 2009

Give my head peace

May 6th, 2009

I like the quiet life.

My ideal day is to get up, brew myself a nice mug of tea and light up the pipe.  I might then scribble a bit on the old laptop, and then shufty down to the village to see what is going on.  I might have a chat with Spanner or drift in for a coffee, and if the weather is fine, I might head off and whack a few tourists.  I like to round off my day with a few pints, and I might even fit a meal in at some stage.

Unfortunately, life isn’t like that at the moment.

Things are not quiet at all, and it is driving me up the fucking wall.

There are several things coming up over the next ten days, and they require organising.

I hate organising.

On top of that, I haven’t been sleeping too well, so the old head isn’t quite as clear as it should be.  I think I may have a dose of the flu coming on, and I suspect it may be down to that Mexican I shot up the Back Valley the other day.  If it is down to him, I’m going to dig him up and kill him.  Again.

So my head is in a fuzz, and my life is in a spin.

I am not a happy camper.

For one of the events, I even have to get new clothes.

I fucking hate buying new clothes.

I always end up looking like a prat.

wedding

I am become my father

May 4th, 2009

Lately I have been seeing a lot of my father.

He has been hanging around the house quite a lot and I have been enjoying the comfort of familiarity.  Those expressions of movement, the mannerisms, and the general deportment that I remember so well from times gone by.

You must realise that my father passed over nearly thirty years ago, but I am not cracking up.  I am not seeing ghosts.  What I am seeing is as real as you or me.

It struck me earlier today that I was seeing him vividly.  The only thing was that I was seeing him from inside, not outside.

As I grew up, in common with most children I felt my father was ancient.  In my case, he was in his late forties when I was born so he always was pretty old compared to me.

As I grew, he was the solid rock of dependability that steered us through life, and I always felt that once my father was around, that all would be right with the world.

Now what I am seeing is his mannerisms that I have subconsciously adapted.  I see his walk, his distinctive movements, almost his thought patterns, for I have reached the age that he was at when I remember him the best.

It is quite comforting really.

I am become my father.

National Emergency Declared

May 3rd, 2009

Government statement.  3rd May 2009.

People of Ireland.

As you are all by now aware, Ireland has its first confirmed case of Swine Flu.

There is no need to panic as we have taken all the necessary precautions to contain this pandemic and all of you will be getting a nice coloured leaflet explaining everything within the next month or two.

We have introduced a series of new emergency laws in this time of crisis and the legislation will come into effect immediately.

First and foremost, we must preserve our strength, and to this end all negative talk concerning our government is to be outlawed immediately.  We must concentrate our energies on beating this pandemic.

In order to provide vaccinations to every member of the public, VAT has been increased to 50% and all Social Welfare payments are to be subject to a new 100% levy.  In order to conserve stocks of vaccine, it will only be available to people between the ages of 18 and 50, unless you are working in a priority sector, such as construction or banking.

As we all know, this fatal disease is spread by human contact, and to this end, we are banning the use of all public transport, and cars will be restricted to one driver only.  Parking fees in our major cities will be increased slightly to €50 per hour in order to cover the cost of the additional traffic police.

As you know, we have introduced very sensible and necessary steps to bring Ireland out of this so called recession and this work must continue.  To this end, all sick leave has been made illegal, as our national output must continue to rise.

To cope with those who are deemed to be ‘seriously ill’ [as defined in the new Public Health Act 2009, Para 5, Subsection 39x] our Minister for Health has increased emergency cover to two hours per day in our hospital.

To prevent transmission of the Swine Flu, and in an attempt to limit the pandemic, all border crossings will be closed forthwith, particularly the road to Newry.

Finally, in order to preserve the continuation of our government and to permit the uninterrupted good work we are doing, all elected officials have been temporarily been relocated to the Bahamas for the period of the outbreak which is expected to last no longer than six months.

Good luck

Your Government

Nassau.

Saturday musings

May 2nd, 2009

I had a grand lie in this morning.

After getting up and having my morning mug of tea and a grand pipe full, Herself switched on the radio.

It was non-stop whinging and moaning about Swine Flu, and the government who apparently have decided to extend their bank holiday by an extra day and a half [fully paid, of course].  It was gloom, doom, political incompetence and was generally pretty depressing so I fucked the radio out the window and settled back to enjoy a nice peaceful Saturday.

The sun is shining and it is warm out.  I contemplated mowing the laws, as it is a couple of months since I last did it, and Sandy is beginning to find it difficult to find her way back to the house after I have let her out.

I decided that the Interweb can manage without me for a day so I brewed another mug, lit the pipe and happily contemplated whether to start the lawn with the lawnmower or a scythe.  I also calculated how much Paraquat I would need to kill the lot to save me the trouble of mowing it in the future.

The phone rang.

It was our K8.  Could I possibly do some emergency babysitting?

So now I’m stuck indoors.  I brought the laptop with me, but the little wagon has encrypted her wireless network. Luckily she is only using 128 whatsit security so I soon cracked that.

Now I am stuck here with a television blaring out children’s programmes which seemed to be designed to delight the children but irritate the hell out of grandparents.

The television is about to go out the window.

Puppychild has just climbed on my lap.

It’s not a bad Saturday after all.

Nothing is happening and it is happening now

May 1st, 2009

I’m sure you will be as surprised as I was, when you hear that I got up this morning and discovered that nothing is happening.

Life is usually pretty eventful here at Head Rambles Manor, and there always seems to be something going on, but this morning there is nothing.  That is quite an event in itself.

I did my round of the newspapers to see if nothing was happening anywhere else, and to my surprise, it was.  There was the usual shite about swine flu and banks going bust, but apart from that, all seemed to be quiet.

I sat for a while waiting to see if something happened but it didn’t.  For the last hour, a magpie is being chased around the estate by a flock of irate blackbirds and they are making a lot of noise, but that is hardly an earth shattering event?

So I am still sitting here waiting for something to happen.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that this is quite an event in itself.  Could this be one of the big events of the year?  The day when nothing happens?

…..

I just phoned RTE.

They like to know when something is happening so they can put it on the news.  I told them that I had a breaking news story and they asked what it was, so I told them that nothing was happening.

They hung up.

Ignorant bastards.

Sharon would have understood but she isn’t on duty yet.

…..

I’m still waiting.

I’m getting quite excited now.  This is a momentous day.   Still, nothing has happened.

I did another trawl around the Interweb, but there is absolutely nothing going on there either.

RTE are going to be damned sorry tonight when they realise they have missed one of the news stories of the year.

Still waiting……….

« Prev