Tortoise on steroids
Grandad June 3rd, 2009
I think I may have been a little slow of late.
Initially, I blamed the cold damp weather, but since we have been having a few days where the sun actually shone but things didn’t improve, I had to do a rethink.
I put it down to old age with a dash of arthritis and maybe a drizzle of senility, but I’m told this may not be the case.
Someone suggested that it might not be so much old age as a faulty plugin. They also suggested that I might like to have a look at my database.
So I unscrewed the back off my site and had a root around.
I drained the oil, checked the piston rings and had a good long look at my big end.
My database was looking a bit clunky. There were also a few bits lying around that looked like they were a bit surplus to requirements.
So I rolled my sleeves up, put on my hard hat and safety goggles and attacked with my trusty delete key.
I think I may have been a little over enthusiastic, because I ended up with bits of web site lying all over the place.
There was a puddle of data underneath the couch, and a pile of HTML had collected in one corner of the room. Sandy was quietly chewing on a graphic in the middle of the floor and I had a tin full of variables that came from somewhere, but I’m not sure where.
I have spent the last hour trying to reassemble the damned thing. Of course I have lost the box that it came in originally, so the whole thing was a bit hit and miss.
The site looks like it used to, and I think it may be a bit faster. Only you can tell me that.
I still have a problem though.
I have two variables left over, and I’m fucked if I know where they came from.
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You haven’t put something together properly unless you have a few pieces left over.
The past week or so your site has been painfully slow. Today it seems better. Everytime I wrench on my site I always end up with a puddle of data on the floor and a few spare parts left over. Do you need a horizontal database compression tool…with a left hand drive shaft and a compressed air hook up on it?
Maxi – True enough. Do I throw them out, or should I keep them in the attic?
Brianf – I am giving it constant kicks up the arse. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t! Could you forward that compressor please I could also do with a Hydraulic Stylesheet Torque Wrench if you have one?
I’m on steroids at the moment.
I couldn’t move anywhere near as fast as that tortoise.
It’s all your spyware that slows it down.
If you don’t find a place for those spare variables send them my way would you? I’ve got a collection of the things floating around in a concentrated PHP base with a SQLite resin. I’m hoping to accumulate enough free floating variables to cause spontaneous dividing. Who knows what might happen? A randomly spawned blogging engine?
Could you call that organic then?
Ah I’m relieved, I thought it was me! Tis a tad slow still.
Put them in the man drawer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5qyJpAn2Wc
So, does this mean the comment will no longer take half an hour to submit?
Kirk M – Do you want the floating variables or do you prefer string?
Maxi – It’s already overflowing with man-things.
Baino & TheChrisD – After all my trouble, the fucking thing is still broke. Bollox.
Wow, that comment went through? All I know is once I submitted it, the page locked up and wouldn’t load anything…
working like a charm this morning. Did you delete Woopra. I can’t see it in the bottom tool bar when the page loads as usual, and it was way, way faster today. Comment loading is still very slow though.