Archive for June, 2009

Tweeting Twitter

June 25th, 2009

One of the most irritating things to appear on this Interweb is Twitter.

For the life of me, I cannot understand it.

You send text messages and are confined to 140 letters, and that includes spaces.  People then answer you when you aren’t looking and you have to try to work out what the fuck their answer means.

I mean to say, I have had erudite replies such as “Not long now, there’s always sacks full of them going by in the river beside me. It’s a pussy buffet”, or “*boom tish*”.  Now unless I have a damned good memory [which I haven’t] how the hell do I know what they are on about?

Another irritating thing about it is that I use a thing called Tweetdeck.  Now that is grand because I can bury it under a load of other programmes but the fucking thing keep popping up an irritating little thing in the corner of my screen, telling me that some prat has said something that is so fucking boring that it would make the phone book look interesting.  And if I switch it off, how am I suppose to know if someone has sent me a message?

twitternotify

And then there are the names!  God give me strength!!

Tweeting ?

Twittering  ??

Retweet  ???

Jayzus!!!

Of course everything that everyone says is intensely boring.  Do I want to know they are on the bus?  Do I want to know their coffee is growing cold?

I have two principles -

  1. If I have something to say, make it interesting.
  2. Don’t say anything.

See?  It’s simple.

And if anyone wants to watch me sating nothing, I have even added a button.

twitter

Minding your business

June 24th, 2009

When I took on this web hosting business, I thought it would be simple enough.

All I had to do was give people their little space on the Interweb and I could then sit back and rake in the readies.

Not so.

All those cretins that I euphemistically call ‘clients’ keep phoning me with their problems.

I usually hang up on the ones who are blaming me for their hard disk crashing or for the fact that their dog now has rabies, but one or two manage to sneak through my defences.

A hell of a lot of them seem to have problems with e-mails.

Why the fuck can’t they write a letter like the rest of us?

They phone me and complain that they can’t send e-mails or they can’t receive e-mails.  They complain that their mailbox is full, or that they are getting spam.

The ones who are getting spam give me a laugh.  Who doesn’t get spam?  I usually just laugh at them [and maybe if I’m feeling good, I’ll remove them from some of my mailing lists].

The ones who complain about their mailbox being full are simple.  I just go onto their server and delete all their mail.  For some reason, this annoys them despite the fact that I have solved their problem.  Some people are never satisfied.

The ones who complain they are not receiving mails are usually just sad fuckers who are blaming me for their lack of friends.

Oddly enough, I’m getting a lot of complaints from people who claim they can’t send mails.

I did a bit of investigating here as I was intrigued as to why these mails were so important.

One of my clients has just got married.  The horny fucker has been sending rather graphic mails to his new mother-in-law telling her how he has fallen in love with her [and what he would like to do with her].  I had a moral dilemma here, so I just redirected all his outgoing mails into his wife’s inbox.  They are all on the same server, so he stopped getting error messages and the problem was solved.

There is another bloke who has come up with a new business idea.  I’m not sure exactly what it is, but it has something to do with selling ice-cream on line.  He is trying to promote his idea by mailing every Tom Dick and Harry he can think of.  Fucking idiot.  I redirected his outgoing mail into a null account, so he is now happy.

One persistent bastard did some sleuthing of his own.  He claims that my mail server has been blacklisted on the Interweb for ‘spreading malicious material or spamming’.  He had a fucking nerve.  He should mind his own business, and let me get on with mine.

Anyone want any Viagra or an excellent watch?

Fashion my arse

June 23rd, 2009

I have come to the conclusion that women know fuck all about clothes and clothing.

They spend a fortune on magazines, and watch all those crappy programmes on television but they still refuse to learn.

Even the so called experts on the television know fuck all.

What women fail to recognise is that clothing has certain basic functions.

Its primary function is as protection.

Quite honestly, I don’t fancy trailing my dangly bits through a bed of nettles when I am out walking the fields, and I defy anyone to trim brambles when in the altogether.

Clothing also serves to keep us warm.  I can guarantee that my manhood would shrink to a mere eight inches if I had to walk down to the pub bollock naked on a frosty winter’s evening. 

Clothing is also a primary means of storage.  If I did arrive in the pub in my birthday suit, how am I supposed to pay for my pint, when I have nowhere to keep my change?  Where am I supposed to put my pipe when I am not using it?  Where can I store a phone number if I should strike lucky?

Herself is always on to me about my clothes.  She nags me to buy new shirts and when I tell her to fuck off, she buys them anyway.  She always gets white ones with no breast pockets.  What use is a shirt without a breast pocket?  And then she complains that I get the white shirt dirty.  God give me strength!!  Of course a white shirt is going to show up the blood or whatever.

She goes and buys me trousers, but they don’t have decent hip pockets in them.  They are uncomfortable and the material is so thin that it is no protection at all against the gorse.  Then she complains when I go out hunting in my comfortable tatty old chords.

I’m seriously coming to the conclusion that us men should reclaim the clothing industry and stop all this fashion crap.

gok
Gok Wan should leave it to the men

Then women can concentrate on what they do best.

Like cooking, cleaning and having babies.

Portugal can keep Lisbon

June 22nd, 2009

Here we go again.

Last year we held a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty.

It was a democratic election, and the result was a rejection.

Our dear government said they respected that, so what did they do?  They ignored the wishes of the people and are going for another referendum.

Once again, I will be voting NO, and here are my reasons -

The Lisbon Treaty is essentially a new European Constitution under a different name.  That Constitution was already rejected by France and Holland, but they are not allowed a vote this time around, therefore the process is undemocratic.

The Lisbon Treaty has already been rejected by the people of Ireland and the very act of running a second referendum is flying in the face of democracy.

Arsewipe Biffo reckons that he has addressed my concerns with guarantees.  Bollox.  He has the arrogance to assume he knows my concerns, and in fact has addressed none of them.  My concerns were nothing to do with neutrality, abortion or tax.  My concerns were about the whole democratic process, and by holding another referendum he is confirming my worst fears.

Of course all my original reasons for rejection still stand.

In 1973 I voted to join the European Economic Community.  I did not vote to join any political alliance that would try to dictate my laws, or interfere in any way [good or bad] in the running of my country.  It was a community to promote trade and to reduce barriers, which was a good thing.   The EEC became the EC without any vote or say on my part, and I resent that.  It is politics by the back door.

This treaty has to be passed by all governments in Europe.  It affects all countries.  Yet Ireland is the only country that is getting a vote.  Why?  If it is so damn good, why are they afraid to let the people have their say?  Because they know damn well that there isn’t a chance in hell that all countries would agree.  Again this flies in the face of every democratic principle.

Why does this constitution treaty have to be passed?  Because in their arrogance, they assumed we would all toe the line, and therefore they never even considered the possibility of a NO vote.  To present a treaty and then to tell us we have to vote YES is once again, arrogant and undemocratic.  It is making us all out to be sheep, and I resent that.

We are being told that this treaty is merely a tidying exercise, to make Brussels more democratic and accountable.  If that is all it is, then why is it so fucking important that it be passed?  I suspect, as do many others that there is far more to this treaty than they are saying.  They have already admitted that the text has been deliberately obfuscated, and refuse to simplify the thing.  I am deeply suspicious of this document and of the motives behind it.

Quite frankly, if this treaty were the best thing that ever happened to Ireland, I still maintain it should be rejected in the simple principle that democracy has been compromised, and the will of the people ignored.

Over the next four months we are going to be bombarded with propaganda, lies and threats. 

We are going to be told that we have to vote YES as there is no alternative.  My response to that is that they should have thought of an alternative in the first place.

We are going to be told that we cannot survive the current economic crisis without Europe.  This too is a load of bollox, as we are in Europe and rejection will not change that fact.

We are going to be told that a rejection will introduce a two tier system and that we will be on the periphery.  Again, this is a load of bollox.  Rejection of the treaty means it is dead.  It cannot be implemented so we all will be in the same boat.

We are going to hear mention of Iceland time and time again, which is a veiled threat and has no relevance to the treaty.

We are going to be cajoled by tales of ‘how good Europe has been to us’.  Yes.  It has been good, but are we supposed to renounce our democracy in a fit of obsequious gratitude?  Anyway, all the benefits we have accrued have been through economic ties and have nothing to do with the politics they are trying to sneak in by the back door.

We will be told that we will no longer be respected by Europe.  So fucking what?  If we have to tug the forelock just to curry favour then European Democracy is rotten to the core.  I am nailing my colours to the mast here, and doubtless will be lambasted for it. I don’t give a shite.  I have my principles, and I will not under any circumstances compromise my beliefs just to be popular.

For hundreds of years, Ireland lay under the yoke of foreign rule.  For those centuries, we told how to behave, how to speak and how to act.  Having finally shaken off that foreign rule, are we once again going to lie down, roll over and be ordered around by faceless bureaucrats abroad?

Where are the patriots when you fucking need them?

A dam good story

June 21st, 2009

Some people wonder why I turn my sporting talents to hunting tourists when there is so much wildlife around.

I love wildlife, and wouldn’t harm a hair/feather/scale/whatever on its head.

I was browsing around this morning and I came across a wee article. It wasn’t exactly earth shattering news, but it makes a change from the miserable crap that fills most of the papers these days.

Apparently, a Mistle Thrush built a nest in a gutter.

Nothing strange in that?  No.  Not really.  But it went and built it at the bottom end of the slope so that when rain fell, the gutter was blocked by the nest.  As a result, after a good rainfall the nest and the chicks would get drenched.

Being extremely intelligent, they sorted the problem.

While the male carried on the business of feeding the chicks, the female puffed out her feathers and sat in the gutter [a good place for the female?] and dammed the water.

Now that is clever.

A lot more clever than any damned tourist I have ever seen.

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