My alien artifact
Grandad July 26th, 2009
Mice piss me off.
‘Aha!’ says you – ‘The old bastard has a rodent infestation?’
No. The only rodent that resides within these four walls is Minnie, and she tends to piss on me, rather than piss me off.
I’m talking about those irritating little fuckers that I have to use to move things around on my computer.
I used to have one of the wireless ones. Oh boy! What a little nightmare that yoke was. It had a mind of its own and [when if worked, or when I could find it] it used to randomly jiggle the curser so that it ended up in the opposite corner of the screen to where I was trying to point. It used to eat batteries too as if they were pints of Guinness. I fucked it onto the bonfire one day, and I can safely say that those few minutes when it crackled and spluttered in the fire were the best moments I had with that mouse.
In the old days [in computer speak – a few weeks ago?] we had to make do with the mice with the rubber balls. They would have been OK if it weren’t for the fact that they used to collect gunge, dirt, hairs and fluff like my ex-wireless one used to collect batteries. Frankly, the only good thing about those yokes was the endless supply of puerile jokes they inspired.
Nowadays, my mouse of choice is an optical USB one. I say ‘choice’ in the same way a condemned man might chose lethal injection over the electric chair.
The optical mouse is fine, as it doesn’t collect dirt. It does have one drawback however, which leads my to my current state of annoyance. It is attached to my laptop by a wire.
I use my laptop in a way that is apparently unique – I rest it on my lap. People look at me askance when I say this. They tell me that I really should put it on a table or somewhere like that. Why? It is a fucking LAPtop! Even the manufacturers haven’t grasped this notion as they always put the heating vents just where my left thigh blocks them.
Because I use my laptop on my lap, I have to remove it if I wish to stand up. This is where my problem starts. No matter how careful I am, I always seem to move it in such a way that the mouse lead gets caught in my foot. The inevitable then happens, and my next move sends the mouse flying off to the end of its lead whereupon it smacks into the floor.
I quite like the mouse I use at the moment. I have had it for a long time, and I am almost familiar with it. I say ‘almost’ because it was originally designed for an alien. That is the only conclusion I can come to as it has the usual two buttons, and a wheel in the middle. However, it also has another button behind the wheel, and there are two more where my thumb normally goes. I recently discovered yet another one on the other side too. Theses buttons are definitely not designed for human hands.
I like this mouse because it is the right size for my hand. It is very comfortable. It is also very quiet. Or rather, it was very quiet, as with all the battering it gets off the floor the buttons are getting a little clanky.
I bought a new mouse the other day. It is feels too small and the buttons sound like coins entering a slot machine. I have relegated it back to it’s box where it shall reside until the day my alien mouse expires.
What I really wish for though is for an alien to visit and tell be what the fuck all those extra buttons are for.
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