Archive for July, 2009

Blasphemy

July 16th, 2009

me: “Howya God?  How’s tricks?”

God: “Ah, hello Grandad.  We haven’t spoken in a while.  How’s she cuttin’?”

Me: ”Right down the middle, God.  I was just wondering what you thought of the new blasphemy thing?”

God: “What new blasphemy thing?  I thought you humans got tired of that in the Middle Ages?”

Me: “The Irish government are bringing in a new blasphemy law, so that anyone who offends anyone else in any manner whatsoever can be punished severely.  It has something to do with religion, but I’m not sure what.”

God: “What?  They are worried about my feelings again?  HEY! JESUS!”

Jesus: “You called?  Oh, howya Grandad!”

Me: “Hi JC!”

God: “Did ya hear what Grandad just said?”

Jesus: “How would I hear what Grandad just said when I wasn’t here?  Do you think I’m omnipotent or something?”

God: “That shower down on Earth have just resurrected blasphemy again!”

Jesus: “I thought we had the market cornered on resurrection?”

God: “Don’t be smart.  Don’t you realise what this means?”

Jesus: “What?”

God: “We are back in business.  Dust of the angels in the legal department and tell ‘em to get cracking.”

Me: “I would have thought you were above being offended?”

God: “I am offended by the idea that they think I can be offended.  That’s enough in my book.”

Me: “So who are you going to sue?”

God: “Your fucking government, of course.”

Me: No point.  They are broke.  If you force them to stay in power they keep all their perks, and if you force them out, then they no longer need worry about the state of things.  You can’t win.”

God: “We always win.  Jesus.  Get thinking and find out ways of lumbering them with the Greens and Mary Harney for the rest of eternity.”

Me: “Fuck!  You can be harsh sometimes…….”

This page is not illegal

July 15th, 2009

Am I the only person who sees what is going on?

Am I the only person who is questioning the way society is going?

Everywhere I look these days, I see signs of civilisation being dehumanised and being reduced to the status of mindless zombies.

Take a small example.  I was driving along a good straight road yesterday, with a couple of cars in front of me.  We came to a small spot of roadworks, and of course there were the ubiquitous temporary traffic lights.  Nothing wrong so far?  You must realise that this road is straight, with no junctions, and visibility is excellent.  The lights covered a fifty foot stretch of road, and in fact there was no need for them at all [there rarely is].  The lights changed red as we all approached, and here is the scenario which has me rather worried.  The lead driver just sat there staring at the red light, and wouldn’t move until it changed green.  Can you now see what I am getting at?  Here is a [presumably] sane and reasonable individual, who is being dictated to by a fucking light bulb.  He [or she] has been brainwashed into a meek subservience to the rules and laws that have crept into every corner of our lives.  There was no danger whatsoever in proceeding through that red light, but the conditioning is too strong.

Society used to be governed by logic, responsibility and morality.  Now it is governed entirely by the rule of law.

Because of the dominance of law in our lives, we are no longer capable of making a decision for ourselves.

What is worse, the law is being used to excuse acts that are not logical, responsible or moral.

Take for example the salaries being paid to our government and our judiciary. Our judiciary are the highest paid in the world and our government are close to the top.  In a country of four million that is facing bankruptcy, is this moral?  No.  Is it logical? No.  Is it responsible?  No.  Is it legal? Yes.  No only that, but it is protected by law, and in the case of the judiciary, by the constitution.

How often do we hear on the news that a new law is being introduced?  How often do we hear that a decision can’t be taken until the legal ramifications have been sorted first? 

The main problem with our legal system [apart from the fact that it encourages litigation at every corner] is that we as a people no longer take responsibility for ourselves.  We have reached the stage where we do the most idiotic things because ‘it’s the law’.  What is worse, we do them without question.  We see signs everywhere saying that this, that or the other is illegal.  Why can’t they say ‘not allowed’ or please don’t’?  Because the fear of illegality strikes terror into our hearts.

It is time we questioned and examined our own actions.

This country [and most other countries] would be far far better off if 99% of the laws were scrapped.  The law should be the final arbiter, not a system of rules that govern virtually every aspect of our lives.

Open your eyes.

Ask yourself if it is moral or responsible before asking yourself if it is legal.

Think for yourselves.

That isn’t illegal.

Yet.

I am going to hell

July 14th, 2009

There are many things I abhor and detest in this world.

Crowds.

Shops.

Any place that is all concrete and glass, and not a blade of grass to be seen.

Combine the above three into one, and you get a shopping centre.

Again, there are shopping centres and there are shopping centres.  Some are almost tolerable.  Some are just mindless edifices dedicated to consumerism.

The king and queen of the latter has to be the Dundrum Shopping Centre, or as they prefer to call it, Dundrum Town Centre.

When I was a lot younger, I used to work in Dundrum.  It was a pleasant enough little village with a couple of pubs and a television factory [where I worked].

They demolished that factory and a couple of hundred acres of surrounding land and built what I can only describe as a cathedral devoted to the god of hedonism.  It is not a Town centre, as the centre of Dundrum is further down the road.  It isn’t even a town.  But they have to glorify it to con the ignorant masses.

I was there once.  I had to call in to collect something and the experience was a nightmare.  It is vast.  It is anonymous.  It is packed to the gills with the kind of shop that the world could well do without.  There are 166 shops in the one building.  One hundred and sixty fucking six shops.  And they are all the worst kind of shop.  Most are clothing shops selling fancy brand named crap to people who are as idiotic as the prices.

I have to go there today.  I am dreading it, but I have no choice.  To me, visiting that centre is only one step away from being dumped in New York.  It is hell on earth.

I thought that while I was there, I might as well get a couple of yokes that I need for the car.

You would think that out of one hundred and sixty fucking six shops, one of them would be a motor factors.  But no.  There are forty one shops selling ladies fashions, but not one miserable shop where you could buy a headlight bulb.  Fuck that.

Frankly, I can only think of one use for that place.

I’m going to use it to test fire one of my new batch of nuclear missiles as soon as they arrive.

I hope it’s full of brain-dead shoppers buying their NEXT and their Gap and their Tommy Hilfiger.

The world will be a better place.

My dog’s hole goes electric

July 13th, 2009

I suppose some of you live in apartments, in which case it is unlikely you would have my problem.

Others of you live in the suburbs where you are unaware of my difficulties.

You see, I live in the country and, while that is the only place I would wish to live, it does have one or two minor drawbacks.

My problem is my boundary.

Unlike apartments [which don’t have acres of land] or the suburbs [where most gardens have straight walls or fences] my boundary consists of fencing, trees, shrubs and in some areas, stretches of land that would be the envy of any wilderness trekker.

The problem with this kind of boundary is that it is damned difficult to make dog-proof.

Our Sandy is the most intelligent animal I have ever encountered, but her intelligence has its Achilles’ Heel.  She is fucking stupid when it comes to traffic.

She is fine when she is behind the wheel of a car, but once she sets her paws on the road she loses all sense of self preservation.  I have seen her in the past, walking merrily along the middle of the road, while cars zap past her on both sides.  I have seen her casually step out in front of cars, which luckily have stopped in time.  As a pedestrian, she is an idiot.

So I have to do my damndest to keep her from getting onto the road.  She keeps making holes in the fencing, and I have to keep searching for them and blocking them.  What is amazing is that some of those holes are very small, and the only proof I have that it is her escape route is the lining of fur around the edge.

Building a fence through the middle of a bramble hedge isn’t easy.  In fact, it is fucking painful, as the tears and scratches on my arms will testify.

Sadly, it has become a game for her.  Occasionally she will get out, and I will panic.  I rush out to call her back in, and there she is, sitting outside the gate with a big “Hah!!  Fooled you again” grin on her face.

I have tried everything else.  I have tried tying her up when she is outside, but the just puts on a miserable face, and I feel like a right bastard.

For the last few days, I have been letting her out and then standing watching her.  She is very fucking cute, and won’t try to get out if I’m watching, as that would give the location of her route away.  But I can’t spend my life standing looking out a window waiting for a dog to piss or dump.  And anyway, she won’t dump if anyone is watching so the exercise is self defeating.  She is very modest, is our Sandy.

I am going to try a new technique.

I have heard of these electronic fences, and they are supposed to work.

You string a length of wire along the boundary, and attach it to a transmitter.  The dog wears a collar, and when she gets within range of the wire, the collar gives a warning beep.

If she ignores the beep and gets closer to the wire, the collar zaps about 5,000 volts through her which should be enough to deter anyone from crossing the line.

I am collecting it tomorrow.

I hope it works.

If it does, I’m getting a collar for Herself too.

Drain Cleaner

July 12th, 2009

This is a little recipe I concocted some time ago and is generally voted the best thing since sliced vindaloo.

Ingredients:

A large pound of fresh mince [or 500g if you have to be fucking pedantic].

Two large fresh onions.  [The big yokes the size of tennis balls]

Two large fresh carrots.

A bottle of tomato ketchup – you won’t use the lot, but it’s well to be prepared?

A couple of beef Oxo cubes.

A rod of spaghetti.  I don’t know how much you need.  Do you think I’m a mind reader?

Water.

Somewhere that provides heat.

Six pints of Guinness.

There.  That’s it.  None of your fancy crap that forces you to go out and buy a pint of goat’s cream because the recipe demands a teaspoon full.

The method couldn’t be simpler.

Fry your mince until it is nicely brown and separated.  It it is still sitting in a solid wodge in the frying pan, you ain’t doing it right.

Drink a pint of Guinness.  It has nothing to do with the recipe, but you deserve a pint for all the hard work you are doing.

In the meantime, chop the onions into pieces and fry them separately until they are translucent.  There is a technical term for this, but I couldn’t be arsed looking it up.  Add the onion to the mince, which should, by now be sitting on a low heat.

Enjoy another pint of Guinness.

Finely slice your carrots and chuck them into the mess.

Guinness number three should go down well about now.

Crumble the two Oxo cubes into a large cup and add boiling water.  Stir.  Fuck into the frying pan [the one you are cooking in, of course] and stir it around.

Turn up the heat a bit and have another pint.

Finally sling in the tomato ketchup.  I never know how much.  About half a cupful? Maybe more?  I do it to taste, and the end result should be a nice rich golden brown mass with carrots peering out of it.

Turn down the heat again and let it simmer while you savour your fifth pint of The Black Stuff.

That’s all there is to it really.

You cook up your spaghetti.  Boil the water and throw a dessert spoon of oil in first though, before adding the spaghetti.  It stops it ending up as a sticky mass of yuck.

That is all there is to it.

That should be enough to serve four portions.  Enjoy, along with your sixth pint.

-oOo-

Why do I call it drain cleaner?

After all that onion and carrot, it should nicely clear out your system the following day.

It’s almost as good as a curry. 

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